


Please Don’t Eat the Daisies

by jamesgatz1925



Series: RomComs [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: AU, Established Relationship, Family, Fluff, Kid Fic, Love, M/M, Movie AU, Movie fic, married
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-05-16 23:11:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 41,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14820710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamesgatz1925/pseuds/jamesgatz1925
Summary: Rafael and Sonny have four rowdy children and one hectic life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the 1960 movie by the same title, this is my take on the film. Rafael and Sonny have to balance family and a big problem facing Rafael’s job. There are differences between the film and this; for example, in the film, the husband (Larry) is a theater professor and critic, and in my fic, Rafael has just become DA. They don’t face the same challenge as in the movie. 
> 
> It’s not word-for-word exactly the same. So I hope you stick around for he ride and enjoy the fic!

Sonny crosses the path of the hectic living room for the third time. Now he needs his cuff links—not the nice ones because those were swallowed by the savage locals last Christmas—but the plain ones that he’s sure the kids were playing with a few days ago. Before, it was his shoes, then his bow tie, now his cuff links.

It takes the third time walking through to notice the living room window is open and the savage locals are poking their little heads out the third floor.

“What are you doing?!” Sonny cries. “You had better not be dropping—“

Sonny is too late. Another water balloon is dropped out the window, making a wet splat below. Sonny takes a deep breath before poking his head out between four giggling little kids.

“Sorry, Mr. Martinez!” he calls down. Poor innocent guy below was caught in the crossfire.

Sonny pulls his head back into the apartment, but not before banging the back of it on the windowsill.

He angrily rubs the back of his head while looking down at three giggling children—two blonde boys and one brunette little girl. The littlest boy is not laughing. So far, he’s Sonny’s favorite. He doesn’t say much.

“How many times do I have to tell you not to drop water balloons out the window? No, no, better yet, how many times do I have to tell you not to open this window without supervision?”

“Once more?” ten-year-old Manny asks, his blue eyes sparkling with sweetness that Sonny can never be upset at. That’s why he always speaks first, because Sonny cracks as soon as he opens his mouth.

His near identical twin, however, may give Sonny a heart attack one day. Javy is just like him, down to being given his name—Dominick Javier, ‘Javy’ for short—so he knows Javy’s next move constantly. “Honey, if you’ve thought of it, I thought it thirty years ago.” he often says to the little boy. To which he says, “You are not forty,” while eyeing Sonny’s graying hair. To which he responds by flicking Javy in a lovingly way and saying, “I didn’t have gray hair ‘til you were born!”

“I told you guys not to drop the balloons, or hang out the window. No TV tonight.”

“We didn’t do it!” Manny cries.

Camilla, who sat on the floor with Christian, looks up at Sonny. “Hey, Christian dropped ‘em.”

“Oh, and I’m sure it was Christian’s idea.”

“You wouldn’t just prosecute the guy who shot the gun, huh?”

“Fine, you know what? No TV for anyone, including the attorney for the defense.”

Sonny suddenly realizes he’s talking to three kids when there were four a second ago. Taking stock, finding the three older staring back at him, he looks around frantically for little Christian. Two now, Christian is much more mobile and worrisome. With his three older siblings setting terrible examples daily—jumping on the bed, jumping off the couch, jumping from the book case, generally just jumping off things that are unsafe—Sonny always needs to keep a special eye on the baby.

“He’s right there,” Camilla, who is also Sonny’s other set of eyes, speaks up.

Sonny follows Camilla’s gaze and finds Christian about to climb on the coffee table, where he’s sure to fly off in half a second. Sonny quickly grabs him before he can jump, and the older three laugh as Sonny places Christian back into the gated half of the living room. He’s got lots of toys and the older kids play in that half too, it’s just away from anything breakable or dangerous that Christian could hurt himself with.

“Sure,” Javy mutters. “Lock him in the cage.”

“It is not a cage, Javy,” Sonny says. “Don’t tell people I put your brother in a cage. It’s a baby-gate.”

Sonny hands Christian a sippy-cup of water that was left on the other side of the gate before announcing that he needs to get ready. “You guys keep an eye on Christian, okay? The new sitter will be here any second.”

Sonny returns to his bedroom where he retreats to the ensuite to do his hair. Luckily, he’d finished shaving before the window debacle, because then he’d probably have lost his train of thought and walked around with half his face unshaven. That’s not a mistake he’s willing to make more than twice.

Sonny hears the patter of six feet wandering into his bedroom before they find him in the bathroom. He’s finishing his hair, now all he needs is to dress.

“Do I remember what it’s like to dress without an audience?” he asks himself, and only himself because nobody else is listening. Sonny picks up his dress shirt and slips it on.

Javy is picking up the shaving creme and pouring some onto his hand. Manny is doing the same with Sonny’s hair gel. Camilla is making herself useful and clasping Sonny’s cufflinks.

“Could you imagine if you wore makeup or something?” Camilla asks.

Sonny laughs, watching the twins cover each other with shaving creme and hair gel. Oh, he knows the debacle somewhat-makeup creates. One of the aunties got the boys a set of paint for their birthday a few months ago; the boys made a mess of it and each other by pretending it was makeup. The final straw of the paint was Manny getting it in his eye.

Suddenly, there’s a shrill ring through the apartment and Sonny quickly tries to remember where he left his phone. It’s plugged in in the kitchen. He locks eyes with the three kids watching him, then they each dive off the counter and run towards the door.

“I’ll get it!” everyone yells.

Luckily, Sonny is able to use his long arms to grab the phone before gel or shaving creme hands can.

“Hello?” Sonny answers.

An unrecognizable voice replies, asking about their plans for something or another. Sonny isn’t really listening. It’s someone’s secretary, which are the conversations he’s used to even though he’s no secretary, thank you very much. He’s just hissing at and pushing little hands away from the phone charger, away from the phone itself, and off his crisp white shirt.

“Look,” Sonny stops the voice. “I’m in a hurry and can’t talk now. If you like, you can call back right after this, I’ll ignore it and you can leave a message. Great, thanks, goodbye.”

Sonny hangs up and drops the phone on the kitchen counter so it can finish charging.

“Leave it,” he demands before three sets of hands could grab it. “I have to finish getting dressed. Please, just stay with Christian. No, Camilla, you go play with Chris. You two, hands. Now.”

The twins groan as Sonny points to the sink.

Four sufficiently occupied, Sonny retreats to his bathroom to finish dressing. Alone, thank god, because he needs it for at least a minute.

It’s been years since his busy evenings had ended, since he became the stay-at-home Dad, but recently they’ve picked up again and he constantly needs to ready himself before going out. It’s not like he stays cooped up in their apartment all day, he does many busy things a day, but he usually only has a silent two-year-old to talk to until the older three get home from school. On nights like tonight, when he has to dress up and be pleasant, it’s difficult to make the transition into talking to adults. Adults are exhausting. He’d so much rather just talk to his babies.

Sonny is almost dressed, his pants are on and his bow tie is knotted, when his phone rings again. Unfortunately, he’s not quick enough this time. By the time he gets into the kitchen, Camilla’s answered the phone. Thankfully it was Camilla though, because the twins are elbows deep in thick bubbles. Sonny knew he should’ve made them clean their hands supervised in his bathroom.

“Hold please,” Camilla says into the phone as if she’s the secretary.

“Who is it?” Sonny asks, taking the phone.

Camilla shrugs and runs away.

“Hello?” Sonny asks.

“It’s me,” a laughing voice says. “Could’ve checked the ID.”

Sonny rolls his eyes. “Cam, it’s your godmother! What’s up, Rita?”

“Just checking on you. If you’re ready for the big night.”

“If I’m ready? How about you?”

“What? Of course I’m ready. How are those beautiful babies?”

“Terrors. Seconds away from lighting something on fire since I’m not watching.”

Rita laughs. “Give then kisses from me. I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye, Rita,” Sonny says.

Checking his watch, he finds that he has ten minutes before he needs to leave and he still needs shoes and a jacket, plus to start the kids’ dinner so the sitter won’t have to.

“Guys,” Sonny says as he wanders through the tiny apartment back into his bedroom. “If someone comes to the door, don’t answer it!”

He knew the demand was too good to be true, because when he returns to the living room after putting on his shoes and jacket, there’s a man in the doorway.

Startled, Sonny instantly picks up the kid closest to him—Javy—and tries to pull the other three back. The man doesn’t look menacing, but he’s a stranger in his living room.

“Uh, sorry to startle you, Mr. Carisi,” the man says. “Listen, I’m a friend of your ma’s. Name’s Mike, I help her out every couple days. She told me to come find you...I need your help.”

“My help?” Sonny asks.

“I’m no threat, sir, I just want a second of your time. My son, he’s in some trouble and—“

Sonny is in a hurry, really, otherwise he wouldn’t ask the man to wait.

“Guys, into the kitchen. Help me start dinner before Ms. Lemon gets here.”

“Ms. Lemon?” Manny asks.

“Sounds sour,” Javy adds.

The twins snicker as Sonny rolls his eyes.

“Why do we even need a babysitter?” Camilla asks. “I can take care of them.”

“You’re eight. I cannot legally leave my children with an eight-year-old.”

Camilla pouts. Sonny lets her help him put their pre-made dinner into the oven, careful to not let her touch anything hot. Her mood improves a bit after that.

With the kids sitting at the table, dinner in the oven, and two minutes to spare, Sonny thinks he’ll get out on time. It’s only then that he realizes he cannot leave without a sitter.

“Where is Ms. Lemon?” he asks to nobody in particular, rushing out of the kitchen.

When he returns to the living room, he’s reminded that he left a stranger. And now there are two strangers.

“Ms. Lemon?” he asks the woman now in his living room.

“Please, Mr. Carisi, call me Mary. Where are the little angels?”

“They’re in here, let me just...I’m sorry, Mike, was it? I’m just heading out, could you call and make an—“

“I’ve got a cab,” Mike offers. “I could take you wherever you’re going and chat on the way.”

Sonny checks his watch. “It would save time...okay, Mike, you go on and wait for me. Ms. Lemon, let me introduce you to my kids.”

Mike happily leaves the apartment while Ms. Lemon follows Sonny into the kitchen. Luckily, all four are still sitting at the table and nothing is broken or burning. It’s lovely, the loveliest the kids have been all day.

“Okay, Ms. Lemon, this is Camilla, she’s eight. Manny and Javy are ten, and Christian here is two.”

“He can’t talk,” Javy informs Ms. Lemon.

Sonny sighs. “He’s trying, okay, Jav? Anyway, Ms. Lemon, you have my number. Any call and I’ll be home, okay?”

“Yes, sir,” Ms. Lemon says.

Sonny smiles. “Okay, kisses. Come on.”

The kids each groan while Sonny kisses their cheeks and foreheads, wasting too much time saying goodbye to them. When he gets to Christian, he holds a single finger up to him, pointing at his face. Sonny pretends to bite it, then kiss it, and the baby laughs.

“Alright,” Sonny says, standing up straight and fixing his clothes. “How do I look?”

Camilla and Manny give him a thumbs up, but Javy sticks his tongue out, which prompts Christian to stick his tongue out. Sonny rolls his eyes, shakes Ms. Lemon’s hand, then heads out the door.

* * *

 

Sonny isn’t late, but miraculously on time. The entire ride, his time that would have been spent worrying about being late was consumed by the cab driver Mike telling Sonny about how his son has been falsely accused for a few crimes. He has files and files of information proving his son’s innocence, but no lawyer will take it. Sonny probably wouldn’t have taken Mike’s word either, truthfully. But Mike mentioned doing work for Sonny’s mom, and if his mom trusts the man, he must be a good enough guy.

They pull up outside the party where Sonny is supposed to be. Mike is holding up the files.

“Look, Mike, I can’t exactly take those with me right now. What’d’a say you—“

“I’m on the clock ‘til 11. I can pick you up?”

Sonny checks his watch. “10:30?”

“Certainly, Mr. Carisi, thank you.”

Sonny shakes Mike’s hand, pays him his fee, then climbs out of the cab.

Sonny rushes up the stairs of the big fancy building and takes one long, deep breath before the doors open and he’s let in, no questions asked. Everyone knows him, or they should.

It takes Sonny less than a minute to find the reason he’s here, the object of his affection, the father of his children: Manhattan’s newest DA, dressed impeccably in a tuxedo of his own instead of a fine three piece suit and vivid tie he’s usually in. Sonny loves the tuxedo, though.

Sonny finds him quickly because he’s surrounded by people, as this party is for him. A few weeks ago, he won the election to become Manhattan DA, tonight is the formal congratulatory party thrown by the mayor. Sure, they already celebrated on their own, the kids made Rafael a cake that was surprisingly edible, but tonight is about formalities. Sonny is glad he escaped the apartment without getting a stain on his suit from dirty hands.

“Mi amor,” Rafael greets, pulling Sonny in and planting a light kiss on his cheek.

Sonny smiles. He can’t not smile when Rafael is so sweet, even after twelve years of marriage and four rowdy kids. Rafael knows Sonny’s number, and it’s pet names and kisses.

“I was afraid you’d be late,” Rafael adds, a hand now on the small of Sonny’s back.

“You know as well as I do how hard it is getting out of that house.”

Rafael chuckles. “Well, I’m glad you’re here. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

Rafael has been preparing his speech for weeks, since he won the election. Sonny’s heard it six hundred times, could recite it in his sleep, and he knows Rafael could too, but he’s happy to hear that Rafael needs him there.

Rafael drags him through the crowds in search of a drink, stopping every few tables to proudly introduce Sonny to people. Most of Manhattan’s higher-ups are in attendance, the city’s most important people, and Sonny’s husband is now on that list.

It’s a bit surreal to Sonny, and he continuously catches himself thinking about it throughout the night. They’ve known each other for fifteen years, since Sonny was just starting out as a detective and Rafael was an ADA. They both worked for SVU, but now it’s far behind them. Sonny quit to raise the kids when the twins were born ten years ago, and he’d have it no other way. But Rafael’s career has climbed, and now he’s the youngest DA Manhattan has seen in years. Sonny couldn’t be more proud of him, of their life together. Rafael says he’s been able to do so well with his work because of his support system at home, and Sonny is more than happy to be the head of that system.

Sonny watches proudly as Rafael makes his speech. He gets misty eyed when Rafael mentions doing it all for his family. His family, their family. The family they’ve made together, made up of two ten-year-olds who make him want to rip his hair out, an eight-year-old who is the other half of his brain, and a two-year-old who is just about the sweetest person ever created. Sonny is so proud of their family.

After Rafael’s speech, around 9 o’clock, Sonny decides he’d better check on the kids. He finds a quiet nook away from the party and calls Ms. Lemon.

“Hi, Mary, how are you? How are the kids?”

“Oh, they’re little angels, Mr. Carisi.”

“Angels,” Sonny repeats, chuckling. “Hey, you didn’t switch families, did you?”

Ms. Lemon chuckles. “Oh, Mr. Carisi. They’re darlings. They’ve just had baths and they’re on their way to bed. Would you like to say goodnight?”

“I wouldn’t trust your phone in those hands, Mary. No, it’s alright, just tell them we’ll be home soon.”

“Okay, enjoy the rest of the party, Mr. Carisi!”

“Thanks, have a good night, Mary.”

Sonny hangs up the phone on time for Rafael to walk up to him.

“How are the babies?” Rafael asks.

“Perfect, apparently. Ms. Lemon called them angels.”

“Ms. Lemon?” Rafael asks. “Sounds—“

“Don’t say it.”

“Sour?”

Sonny can’t help but laugh. “I don’t know if I should be worried that you think like a ten-year-old or that our ten-year-old thinks like you.”

“Great minds think alike. Javy will take over the world.”

“What’s even more worrisome is that you know Javy said it.”

Rafael laughs.

Sonny, in a desire for intimacy, holds his hand up in offering.

“Yes?” Rafael asks.

Sonny rolls his eyes. “Hold my hand.”

Rafael looks smug as he takes Sonny’s hand in his. Since they’re alone, Sonny leans in to kiss that smirk off Rafael’s face. It doesn’t work, of course, Rafael just looks more cocky.

Sonny sighs. “I’m not going to kiss you anymore if you keep looking like I’m the one desperate for it.”

“Besame, darling,” Rafael says, still smiling.

“No,” Sonny refuses, but he’s laughing as he leans away from Rafael.

Rafael wraps his free arm around Sonny to pull him in. Rafael’s smile drops and he looks more serious.

“One more kiss?” Rafael asks nicely.

“Gee, Rafi, don’t gotta act so desperate for it.”

“For you, mi amor,” Rafael says, kissing Sonny soundly on the lips. When he pulls away, he says, “Now, lets get through this party so I can take you home.”

It seems like Rafael hasn’t been home lately. Late home, early to leave; Sonny hasn’t really spent any time with him since the election. And before that, it was just as seldom due to the election. But now they’re free, and Sonny is excited at the thought of getting Rafael home and in their bed.

“Let’s go,” Sonny says, pulling Rafael’s hand to rush through the party.

* * *

 

They are luckily out of the party by 10:30, and sure enough, Mike is there waiting.

“Evening, Mike,” Sonny says as he climbs into the cab first.

“Evening, Mr. Carisi, Mr. Barba,” Mike replies.

“Uh...” Rafael mumbles, confused.

“Rafi, this is Mike, he’s a friend of my ma’s.”

“Uh-huh,” Rafael still sounds confused.

“I thought you were gonna tell him,” Mike says as he starts driving.

“I didn’t get a chance,” Sonny tells Mike before looking at Rafael again. “Look, Mike’s son is in a bunch of trouble, but Mike has proof that he’s innocent—“

Rafael cuts him off. “So take it to a lawyer.”

Sonny scoffs. “Sorry, Mr. Fancy-Pants, were you a server at that party?”

Rafael rolls his eyes but cracks a smile.

“Mike’s gone to tons of people, but nobody will take a look. Ma thought you could. You don’t wanna disappointment my Ma, do ya?”

Rafael sighs. “I don’t do this type of law anymore, I have no say—“

“But you can try,” Sonny says.

Rafael appears to think about it. Sonny stares at him with wide, pleading eyes. Finally, Rafael sighs and says, “I’ll take a look.”

Sonny smiles widely. “There’s the man I love. Lookin’ out for the little guys. I’m glad I voted for you, Rafi.”

“Hey, me too, Mr. Barba. My vote had nothin’ to do with your mother-in-law threatenin’ everyone she knows to vote for you.”

Sonny and Rafael both laugh at that. Sonny asks Mike to hand him the files, then they ride the rest of the way silently.

* * *

 

Sonny wakes at every little sound through the apartment. It’s a small apartment, too small for their big family, so it is easy for him to hear everything. But he had also trained his body to wake at every little thing many years ago, and he’s never lost that.

So, after the party, after he and Rafael had passed out blessedly alone in their bed, Sonny wakes to the sound of Christian’s baby bed creaking from the kids’ room. He jumps up instantly, hoping he’s okay but also hoping he doesn’t wake the other three.

Sonny slips on a pair of pajama pants and quietly rushes into the kids’ room. The twins are asleep in their bunk beds, Camilla asleep in her twin bed that’s currently pushed against the bottom bunk of the bed, making it a larger bed together, but Christian is sitting up in his little bed.

“Hi, baby,” Sonny whispers, sidestepping toys scattered on the floor. There’s not enough space in their bedroom. They desperately need a bigger house. One where all four kids wouldn’t have to share a bedroom. This place was supposed to be temporary. Two years ago.

Sonny leans down and picks Christian up. He easily settles in Sonny’s arms, resting his head against Sonny’s chest and hiccuping back cries.

Sonny carries him out into the living room. “What’s the matter?” he whispers into the baby’s thick, brown hair. “Bad dreams?”

Of course, he doesn’t reply. He just lays against Sonny’s chest as Sonny gently sways back and forth so he can be soothed to sleep.

Finally, he does. Sonny can’t stop looking at him, this peaceful little baby, his sweet baby boy; Sonny’s in such a trance that he doesn’t hear his own bed squeak and doesn’t notice Rafael join him until big hands are on his hips.

“He okay?” Rafael asks in a much deeper, sleepier voice than Sonny’s. Christian’s eyelids flutter open.

“Almost back to sleep,” Sonny whispers. “Sshh, just Daddy, see?”

Christian looks up at Rafael as if to confirm his presence. He still clings to Sonny, though, because he hasn’t bonded with Rafael as much as the older three. Rafael’s been even busier during Christian’s two years of life, not that he hasn’t tried.

As he does now. Rafael reaches to take Christian. “You go back to bed, baby,” he tells Sonny. “You’ve been busy all day.”

“What, and you haven’t?” Sonny asks, handing the baby over. “You’ve been at work.”

“Sonny, I know you’re busier here than I am in the office. He’ll be asleep in no time, si, Chris?” Rafael kisses Christian’s forehead. He closes his eyes and touches Rafael’s face.

Rafael smiles at Sonny. “See?”

“Okay,” Sonny says, proudly watching Rafael and their baby. His heart will never not burst with love for this man. He kisses Rafael’s cheek. “I’ll just go check on the big kids, okay?”

Rafael nods. Sonny kisses him one more time, then he goes back into the kids’ room to make sure they’re still asleep.

Sonny can never resist cuddling with his babies. On nights when Rafael is working very late, Sonny usually falls asleep in the kids’ room and wakes to Rafael entering the apartment.

After he just walked in a few minutes ago, Camilla has shifted more onto Javy’s bed, leaving enough space for him to cuddle up. Of course he does, because he can’t resist, especially when Camilla snuggles up to him.

* * *

 

Sonny wakes to the sun streaming through the window and the smell of bacon wafting through the apartment. That means Rafael is home, which is great, but he realizes he’s asleep in Camilla’s bed and realizes that is not good if Rafael was able to sleep in today.

Sonny carefully climbs out of bed, mindful not to disrupt the three sleeping beauties, exits the room, and quietly closes the door. At least maybe then he and Rafael can talk normally without waking the three.

He finds Rafael in the kitchen, as expected. He’s wearing underwear and an undershirt, and he looks amazing. Memories of last night flood Sonny; Rafael writhing underneath him, Rafael’s blunt fingernails digging into his back, Rafael whispering words of love, encouragement, and praise...Sonny can’t stop himself from stepping behind Rafael, placing his hands on Rafael’s hips, and gently nuzzling the side of his neck.

“Hey Daddy,” Rafael playfully says, pushing back into Sonny’s grip.

Heat rips through Sonny. He bites Rafael’s ear.

“How are you feeling?” Sonny asks. “Sore?”

“Mmm,” Rafael sighs, and Sonny can’t tell if it’s a yes or a no. “Just heartsick. It’s sad waking up alone when all you want is to wake up next to your husband the night after he—“

Sonny grins. “I’m sorry, baby.”

Rafael nudges him back and reaches for the refrigerator. Sonny tries to turn to get to the coffee, but he bumps loudly into the kitchen table.

“Oh, shit,” he sighs, standing still and hoping the kids don’t wake.

“We need a bigger kitchen,” Rafael whispers when they’re clear.

“I wholeheartedly agree. And a balcony.”

Rafael chuckles. “Why?”

“So we can lock ourselves outside and have breakfast in peace.”

Rafael fully laughs now. He looks around. “We’re free now...”

Sonny smiles, setting down their cups of coffee. He steps up to Rafael again and kisses him soundly on the lips. It’s one thing to be alone in the middle of the night in bed, another to be alone in the kitchen in the hushed early morning.

“Actually,” Rafael says when they break apart panting. “I have a better idea.” He grabs Sonny’s hand and begins to lead him out of the kitchen.

“Your bacon...” Sonny reminds him.

“I’ll do it again.”

“Rafi, bacon is expensive—“

Rafael pushes him against the archway of the kitchen, his entire body pressed against Sonny’s and Sonny has no more arguments, not when Rafael is kissing his neck and running his hands up and down Sonny’s bare sides.

Sonny knows an uninterrupted morning is way too good to be true. Before he can pull Rafael along to their bed, there are three sets of hands pushing at Rafael.

“Daddy! Daddy!” they each cry.

Rafael laughs in Sonny’s face. “I tried,” he says, then adds, “Christian’s in our bed anyway,” before turning around and attacking their kids with kisses.

Sonny watches as Rafael picks all three of them up, easily because the twins inherited Sonny’s spaghetti-noodle physic and Camilla’s a short little kid just like Rafael was. Sonny swoons at the sight; his strong husband enveloping his older three little ones, kissing their swirl of brown and blonde hairs over and over. Rafael carries them into the kitchen before letting them go to sit at the table.

Sonny is still standing in the doorway. “Hi, I’m here, too.”

Rafael resumes his place in front of the stove. He cracks a few eggs in the pan in front of him. “Everyone say good morning to Dad.”

“Good morning, Dad!” the kids say in unison, sounding cheery but not as cheery as they are talking to Rafael.

Sonny doesn’t mind, of course. He loves having the babies, having them by himself most of the time, but he loves even more seeing Rafael with them. He loves hearing Rafael speak Spanish to them, sing to them, read to them, or just tell them he loves them. He loves seeing his little boys and girl that are somehow a perfect mix of both of them smiling widely at the man they all love more than anything.

Sonny realizes there are only three kids at the table, so he goes to his bedroom in search of the fourth. Sure enough, Christian is still in bed, but he is awake and playing with his feet above his head. When Sonny creaks the door open, his eyes are on Sonny instantly.

“Hey, big guy! How are you? How did you sleep?”

Christian smiles at him but says nothing. He struggles to stand, because he’s wrapped in blankets, but Sonny’s there to scoop him up as soon as he’s free.

“Wanna join the party, huh? You’re on time for breakfast. Eggs? Bacon? Can you say, ‘mmm, bacon’?”

“Mmm,” Christian sighs.

Sonny smiles. “Atta boy,” he proudly says, kissing Christian’s mess of brunette bedhead.

They enter the kitchen. “Hey, look who’s up!” Sonny announces.

Everybody says good morning to Christian as Sonny sits him in his chair.

“Can you say good morning to Daddy?” Sonny asks Christian, pointing at Rafael. He points at himself. “Dad.” He does the same to Rafael.

Christian says nothing.

“He’ll get it,” Camila tells Sonny.

“The words just haven’t come yet,” Manny agrees.

“And then he won’t shut up,” Javy adds.

Sonny pushes Javy’s head. “Hey, don’t say ‘shut up’.”

“I’ve heard you say ‘shut up’,” Javy argues.

Sonny glances at Rafael for help, but he’s smirking and diverting his eyes.

Sonny sighs. “Okay, you know what? Everyone just shut up and eat your breakfast, okay?”

The kids laugh.

After a long breakfast, Sonny realizes they’d better hurry to get ready for school.

“Okay, teeth brushed first. Twins in my bathroom, Camilla take yours. Ready? Break!”

The little team scurries off to fulfill their duties. Sonny stays in the kitchen and cleans up while Rafael follows the twins to supervise and make sure they don’t make a mess in their bathroom.

When Sonny is finished, he checks on Camilla in the kids’ bathroom, but instead finds her in the kids’ bedroom. She’s changing her clothes and laying out the twins’ clothes.

“You are a god send,” Sonny mutters, kissing her forehead. She is always quick to take care of her messy older brothers. She’s the caring sibling, just like Sonny was.

“I know,” Camilla says. “It takes two of you to make sure the twins don’t get toothpaste all over the sink.”

Sonny smiles at her.

When the twins are done in the bathroom, they run into their bedroom. Sonny instructs them to dress in the outfits Camilla picked, then they all return to Sonny’s bathroom. Rafael is dressing Christian on the bed.

“Hair,” Sonny announces. “Rafi, odds or evens?”

That’s how they do hair when both of them are in the apartment in the morning. Unlike the teeth brushing routine, they separate the twins because one could not do both of their hair. Not that it’s difficult, but Manny is very particular about his hair and Javy has to be in the mood for it to be more than just combed.

“Evens,” Rafael smartly says, opting to get Javy and Christian. Christian is the most obedient getting his hair done, but Rafael knows Sonny and Javy just fight with each other because Sonny wishes Javy would look a little more presentable.

Sonny sits Camilla on the sink while Rafael gets Javy. Sonny expertly works two Dutch braids into Camilla’s silky hair while Javy asks for his to be parted on the side like Sonny’s usually is.

Soon, they’re all ready.

Except the dads.

“Shit, I’m not dressed,” Sonny says. “Okay, give me a second. I’ll throw some clothes on and walk ‘em to school—“

Rafael grabs Sonny’s hand. “I’m home for once. I’ll do it.”

Sonny feels like Rafael’s just told him they won the lottery. It’s not that Rafael’s a bum around the house, it’s just that he’s never home.

“Really?” Sonny asks.

Rafael is already heading for the closet to grab some clothes.

Sonny gets backpacks and lunches packed while Rafael gets dressed. He’s become a pro at pre-packed meals, so all he has to do is take the boxes out of the refrigerator and place them in backpacks. It’s sometimes a lot more difficult done than said, because he forgets which box belongs to which kid and there are fits and fights resulting. This morning, less rushed because he’s not getting himself ready, Sonny places the correct boxes in the correct bags. By the time they’re packed, Rafael is ready.

“Okay, kisses,” Sonny demands as the kids head for the door.

Of course, they each groan, but Sonny gets his kisses in. He even sneaks one to Rafael while the kids aren’t looking.

They leave the house and Sonny knows Rafael will be gone at least half an hour. Sonny has half an hour completely free for the first time in...forever.

He could do anything. He could take a nap. He could eat a full meal without eight fingers reaching for his scraps. He could clean peacefully.

Sonny opts to take a shower. A long, hot, uninterrupted shower. Sonny smiles the entire way through it. The Manhattan D.A. is taking their babies to school. Everything is wonderful.


	2. Chapter 2

Saturday’s never go one way. Either everything is perfect, the kids actually sleep in or don’t break anything before waking Sonny, or everything is the exact opposite.

This morning, Sonny is trying to get the entire family out the door so he can take the kids to his mom before meeting Rafael. They’re getting a blessed afternoon alone, which could be fun but after lunch they’ll be looking at houses. Sonny has a few outside the city bookmarked on his iPad, all they need to do is check them out in person.

“Checklist,” Sonny tells Camilla, the only one helping him get out the door. “We all had breakfast, right?”

“Right.”

“Teeth brushed?”

“Teeth brushed,” she agrees.

“Clothes?”

“Despite Javy’s insistence of wearing a Batman costume, we are all dressed.”

Sonny smiles at his daughter. Eight going on thirty, going on taking over the world.

“Shoes?”

“Check.”

“Hair?”

“Check.”

“You have your backpack?”

Sonny trusts her with the diaper bag for baby Christian. Of course, his mom has everything Christian may need at her house, but Camilla likes to be prepared, too. The boys couldn’t care less if Christian has diapers, but Camilla is quick to take care of everyone.

Camilla nods. “I have diapers, wipes, sippy-cup, change of clothes, Kleenex, Manny’s inhaler, and snacks. Am I missing anything?”

Sonny leans over and picks her up, even though the eight-year-old complains. “Have I ever told you how much I love you?”

Camilla rolls her giant green eyes that look just like Rafael’s. “Only every single day.”

Sonny smiles, then kisses her cheek. Camilla hugs him back.

Sonny had let the twins play on his phone while preparing to leave, but when he finds them in the living room where he left them, they’re fighting over the phone.

“Okay, no more!” Sonny says, taking the phone from Manny’s hands.

“But I didn’t even get a turn!” Manny cries.

“You can thank Javy for that then because time’s up and we have to go.”

Manny pouts. Sonny feels bad, but they really do need to leave. He needs to call for a ride—

As if on cue, Mike walks through the front door to the apartment.

“Mornin’, Mr. Carisi. Ready? Your ma sent me for you. I got the car seat all strapped in down in the cab.”

Sonny is confused. When did Mike get the car seat? He’s been in the kids’ room this whole time and didn’t open the door—

He looks at the twins, which comes out as more of a glare. “How many times do I have to tell you not to answer the front door?”

Manny smiles innocently now. “Once more?”

Sonny rolls his eyes. “Okay, whatever, we have to go. Mike, thanks.”

Mike tips his hat, then picks up Christian for Sonny and takes him down the stairs.

Mike has been helpful to have around. Like an Uber or Lyft, all Sonny has to do is call for a ride and Mike is there in minutes. Mike is trying to help him out as payment for Rafael checking out his son’s case, but Rafael hasn’t even looked at the case since he got it a week ago. Sonny hasn’t mentioned that to Mike, though.

Finally, all the kids are downstairs and in the car. Mike starts the car and takes off.

* * *

 

Miraculously, the family makes it to Sonny’s mother’s business on time. Deb owns a little beauty shop on Staten Island, not far from the house where Sonny grew up, and even though the kids are in the way during their visits, she loves having them there. The business is in the tight-knit community Sonny wishes his kids would have, because even though they don’t live near there, the patrons know the kids and have watched them grow.

When they walk in, Deb is styling old Mrs. Johnson’s hair, so Sonny sweeps over to kiss his mom and greet Mrs. Johnson.

“Sonny, your babies!” Mrs. Johnson cries, “Look at how big they are!”

“Oh, tell me about it,” Sonny says, patting Manny’s back as Deb fusses over the four kids. “Hey, Ma, twin’s are due for a trim—“

The twins groan.

“Guys, come on,” Sonny pleads. “Anyway, I gotta—“

With a quick ding of the bell on the door, Mike enters the shop.

“Mr. Carisi, you ready? We gotta beat traffic...”

Sonny claps his hands together. “Alright, yes. Babies, kisses.”

The kids kiss Sonny goodbye.

“Okay, Ma. Mike’s takin’ me and Rafi around, then he’ll be back to take you guys to our apartment. You sure you got ‘em?”

But Deb is practically pushing Sonny out the door. “They’re fine, Son, go! Get outta here!”

Sonny leaves with a smile on his face, unworried about anything because he knows his loves are safe.

* * *

 

Rafael is always waiting for Sonny, but not only is he used to it, but he thinks Sonny is well worth the wait. Rafael appreciates Sonny, even in his tardiness, especially when Sonny is the one getting five people out of the house instead of just one.

The waiter comes up again. Rafael is waiting in a little sandwich shop in Brooklyn where they used to eat once upon a time when they lived in Brooklyn before having kids. Brooklyn is where they’re beginning their house search, because now that they can, they are so wishing to move into those brownstones they were envious of as newlyweds.

“Can I get you anything yet, sir? Or you still waiting?”

Rafael wants to insist that he hasn’t been stood up, but that’s probably not what the waiter means. Instead, he orders himself a good ol’ fashion turkey sandwich and a special of the day for Sonny. He has no idea what the special is, but how could a special go wrong?

Rafael is sending off a few rapid emails while patiently waiting, when someone sits at the seat opposite him.

“I was wondering when you’d show up,” Rafael says, not looking up but assuming it’s Sonny.

“I was just trying to find you,” a deep, burly voice replies.

Rafael slowly looks up. It’s not Sonny. It’s a gruff looking man with a short crew cut and giant muscles. Rafael’s never seen him before. He’s instantly on alert.

“Can I help you?” Rafael asks, not letting his phone out of his hand. If he’s in any real trouble, he knows how to dial emergency on his phone without looking at it.

“Just wanted to chat, Mr. D.A.”

“Okay...” Rafael slowly says. “...about?”

“I’m just wondering what it’s gonna take for you to stop going after some of the guys you’re going after. Since your whole platform is—“

“Expunging criminals,” Rafael can’t help but butt in.

“See, Mr. Barba,” the man says, reaching across the table and takes a bread roll. Then, he picks up a knife and a pre-packaged slice of butter. Rafael watches, unable to do much more than that as the man takes his time spreading butter on the bread. “That’s where you and I differ. You say criminal. I don’t.”

“People who don’t obey the law? Pretty sure that’s a criminal, but what do I know? I only went to Harvard Law.”

“I’m just warning you,” the man says, “Choose the right cases. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll leave shit alone that you don’t need to get your business into.”

“If I know what’s good for me?”

The man examines the knife in his hand. It’s not a sharp knife, but Rafael knows he could probably do some damage if he truly wanted. The thought makes his blood run cold. Sonny, arriving to find Rafael’s body bloodied on the floor of a cute little sandwich shop because Rafael couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

“I think you and I both know what’s good for you,” the man says. “You and those precious kids of yours.”

Now, Rafael turns more than scared.

“Leave my kids out of it.”

The man grins evilly. He knows he’s in Rafael’s head now.

Once his job is done, which is apparently sufficiently scaring the crap out of Rafael at the mention of his children, the man stands.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Barba. Make sure you choose the right house this afternoon. You know these people in the city; you never know who’s watching.”

Now, Rafael gets nervous. He is stunned as the man walks away. For someone to threaten him, his kids, and know him and Sonny are house hunting this afternoon? Not a good sign. And what cases? Does the man just expect Rafael to never try a case again?

Sonny arrives seconds later, he must have run into the man coming in the door. He quickly sits as the waiter places their plates.

“Oh, thank god,” Sonny says, “I’m starving, thanks for ordering. I got the kids all taken to my ma’s, and of course she’s ecstatic to keep ‘em...” Sonny pauses for a split second to take a bite, then continues. “...Maybe we should find a house and let them live with her, huh? They can go to my old high school, and...ah, Rafi, come on. Tuna fish? You know what, I don’t even care, you have no idea how good any meal is when there aren’t four people trying to eat off your plate. What am I talking about? Of course you do. And—“

Sonny seems to finally notice Rafael sitting stunned. Rafael is not listening to him. Rafael is thinking about what his next steps should be. He’s dealt with threats before, but never any towards his kids.

“What’s wrong?” Sonny asks mid-chew.

Rafael shifts his gaze to Sonny. Sonny, so concerned, so sweet.

“Someone just threatened me.”

“What?!” Sonny cries. “Where? When?”

“Here. Right before you showed up. And Sonny...he mentioned the kids. He knew we’re going to look at houses—“

Color drains from Sonny’s face. “We gotta tell someone. I know exactly who to call.”

In seconds, Sonny’s on a call.

“Hey, boss—No, I know, old habits—No, well, actually, you in?—Great, Rafi and I will be there soon.”

* * *

 

Still worried, but hoping they wouldn’t be followed, Sonny climbs into Mike’s car and gives the address of the precinct in his mind.

“That’s...not a house, Mr. Carisi,” Mike comments.

“No, I know. Change of plans.”

Mike doesn’t question, of course, he just takes off towards Manhattan again.

Glancing at Rafael, Sonny can tell he’s spooked. And really, he’s been getting death threats for years, and this is the first time he’s ever agreed to immediately take it to the police. Sonny knows he’s freaked out.

Sonny holds his hand encouragingly, checking out their surroundings every few blocks to make sure they’re not being followed. With any luck, if they were, the guy would be smart by the time they hit the police station and get lost.

* * *

 

“Just go over it one more time.”

Rafael throws his head back and sighs annoyedly at the ceiling. “I already went over it twice.”

“Maybe a third time will jog any missing details.” Olivia Benson, Sonny’s old boss and Rafael’s close friend, sits perched at the edge of her desk, talking softly to him like he was a victim. He certainly does not like that.

“There are no missing details,” Rafael says. “A guy sat down in Sonny’s seat, said a couple of things...he knew we were looking for a house today. That. That spooked me.”

“Who have you told?” Olivia asks. “That you are house hunting.”

Sonny lists people, “You, Rita, my ma, his ma, I don’t know, Camilla’s teacher.”

“And none of those people have a vendetta against you?”

Sonny snorts. “Yeah, you know how Lucia gets when Rafi doesn’t call her every—“

Rafael realizes how somebody could have known these details about him. “My computer.”

Sonny and Olivia look at him. “What?” they ask in unison.

“My computer. Maybe it’s hacked, I don’t know. I’ve been searching for houses online, my email has back-and-forths from sellers, my calendar had this date set.”

“I’ll have someone get it,” Olivia says. “In the meantime, I’m not risking anyone getting anywhere near you and those babies. I’m assigning a uniform to you for a while.”

Rafael groans. “Come on, Liv. A bodyguard? That’s what I have Sonny for.”

Sonny snorts again. “Yeah, everyone fear the stay-at-home Dad with peanut butter fingerprints smeared on his pants.”

Rafael glares at him.

“Come on, Rafi,” Sonny says. “It won’t be that bad. And I’m not taking any risks either. This isn’t about you anymore.”

Rafael thinks about the sweet faces of their babies. Thinks about the fear that ran through him when someone mentioned them. Thinks about the fear of something happening to them.

“Okay,” he finally says. “But Sonny picks the guy.”

Sonny leans down and kisses his head; a thank you, Rafael knows. Then, he’s left alone with his thoughts, calming himself down, as Sonny and Olivia leave to choose their detail.


	3. Chapter 3

Getting used to a bodyguard was easier than they’d expected. Sonny chose a tiny, strong, Puerto Rican woman named Maria. She was the precinct’s best up-and-coming cop, she was great with the family, and she seemed the most trustworthy.

The kids love her.

It’s evident when, in the morning at the start of her second week, Maria is inspecting the living room and checking that all windows are still securely fastened. Sonny walks through, heading for the kitchen, only to see two heads sticking out from the kitchen doorway, watching Maria’s every move with awe.

“Maria, come in for some coffee when you’re done.”

Maria throws Sonny a thumbs-up, then continues.

Sonny ruffles the hair of Javy and Camilla as he walks through them.

“What are you two doing?” he asks, heading straight for the coffee pot.

“I’m in love with her,” Javy tells Sonny.

“You’re in love with everybody,” Sonny replies. Javy is just like him in everything, even down to the too big of a heart and love for everyone.

“I’m in love with her too,” Camilla says, dreamily.

That makes Sonny smile.

“She likes me more,” Javy tells his sister.

“Not uh,” Camilla replies.

It’s then that Maria finishes her task. She walks toward the kitchen, a friendly smile on her face when she spots the kids.

“Good morning, guys,” she says. She pats Javy’s head, which makes him blush, but she stops right in front of Camilla.

“Hey girl,” she says, kneeling down to be at Camilla’s height. “I have something for you.” Out of her pocket, Maria pulls an NYPD pin. “I got this pin from a friend of mine in an all-women’s group of NYPD officers. It’s a rare pin. Pretty neat, huh?”

Camilla’s eyes are huge, her smile just as big. “That’s awesome! An all-girl group?!”

“Yup, of officers just like me.”

“That’s like in Wonder Woman, how she came from an island of a whole bunch of other wonder women.”

Maria laughs. “Yeah, kind of like that. But this is for you, to always remember to be strong.”

“I will! Thanks, Maria!”

Maria high-fives Camilla, who just looks at her in awe, then Maria moves to join Sonny at the coffee pot and Camilla goes to show off her pin to her brother.

“Let me see!” Sonny hears Javy cry.

Sonny sips his coffee as he watches the two at the table.

“Hey listen,” Maria says to Sonny. “I hope you don’t mind that. It’s just...see, I grew up with a bunch of brothers too, and—“

“Hey, I think it’s great,” Sonny says, handing Maria a cup of coffee. “Thank you for doing this stuff. She needs strong female role models, and so do the boys. They all think you’re great.”

“Thanks,” Maria says before taking a drink of her coffee.

Soon, Maria leaves the family to sit in the apartment hallway to guard the front door, and the rest of the family joins for breakfast.

It is an un-busy Saturday and the family has plans to keep it that way. Rarely do they have a day to themselves, so Sonny and Rafael are looking forward to sitting around and watching the kids do whatever they want. Until later that evening, when Sonny and Rafael have to make an appearance at the mayor’s house party.

Usually, it’s Rafael convincing Sonny to go to the parties. Rafael likes social events, likes to have everyone’s attention, but Sonny is too used to only talking to children. Sure, he usually loosens up quickly, gets a drink in him and becomes the life of the party, but the lead-up makes Sonny anxious. The anticipation makes him nervous.

However, since the addition of Maria, it has been Sonny convincing Rafael to attend social events.

Even though their family has never been so safe, Rafael is still inconvenienced by the guard’s presence. He hates having to explain to people who she is, or for her to scale parties for signs of danger, or that he practically needs a babysitter. He can’t go to the bathroom down the hall from his office without Maria following. Rafael hates it.

Still, it’s necessary they attend the party, so after a long, leisurely day, Rafael and Sonny dress impeccably to go to the party.

Another inconvenient part of the whole situation is that Rafael and Sonny were advised not to let a stranger babysit the children. This meant Sonny’s mother making the trip from Staten Island to watch them. Which, of course, she loved. Deb is always thrilled to spend more time with her grandchildren, but Sonny hates having to ask her to do it.

Nonetheless, on that Saturday night, Deb arrives with enough time for Sonny to greet her before having to rush out of the house to the party.

“Ma, thanks for comin’,” Sonny says, kissing Deb’s cheek. “Seriously, I owe ya one.”

“Sonny, shut up,” Deb jokingly says. “You really think you owe me anything for letting me spend an evening with four of my favorite people?”

“Yeah, well, your four favorite people are not allowed to play any more video games, or drink anything but water, or eat any sweets at all. Okay?”

Deb smirks. “Okay, Sonny. Whatever you say.”

Sonny rolls his eyes, but he is smiling. He knows his mom isn’t a complete lost cause in childcare, but she also has no backbone when it comes to the kids. Instead of arguing, he just kisses Deb again, then leads her into the kitchen.

Sonny melts at the sight and sounds of the kitchen. The four kids are sitting around the kitchen table, baby Christian banging his hands un-rhythmically on the table, and the three older following Rafael in a choppy rendition of De Colores, which Rafael has sang to them since they were babies.

It doesn’t take long for Rafael, fully dressed in a perfect black suit, to pick Christian up and dance with him. The baby loves it, he laughs and Rafael continues to twirl him around until the three older kids are begging for a turn. Sonny just laughs, still leaning against the doorway, watching Rafael try to get two kids on him at a time.

“Rafael!” Deb cries, laughing too. “You watch your back!”

Rafael sweeps in to kiss Deb on the cheek in greeting.

“Yes, ma’am,” he says, but he doesn’t stop dancing with the kids and playing.

Sonny looks on with love. This man, this beautiful man, who he’s chosen to build an incredibly strong family with, playing with their babies. It’s beautiful. It’s always beautiful, every little bit of it. It was beautiful earlier that afternoon when Rafael fell asleep on the floor with Christian draped across him. It was beautiful the day before when Manny fell off his bike in Central Park and Rafael soothed tears off his cheeks.

Sonny is never finished falling in love with him.

Eventually, the tiny dance party ends after Rafael checks his watch. The dads kiss all four children over and over, then they finally leave with miraculously still-clean suits.

As soon as they’re out the door, Rafael is in party-mode.

“So we have reservations at—“

But Sonny isn’t finished with him. He cuts Rafael off by grabbing him and planting a long, slow kiss on his lips. Rafael kisses back enthusiastically, both hands on Sonny’s hips as Sonny’s are holding his face in place.

Sonny kisses like his life depends on it, like the act itself will make Rafael see how much love is in his heart.

They pull apart panting, Rafael’s lips deliciously kiss swollen.

“Forget the party,” Rafael whispers. “Let’s spend the night in The Plaza instead.”

Sonny smiles. “You’re the one who insisted we go to the party.”

“I’m allowed to change my mind.”

“Not for the mayor,” Sonny says, kissing Rafael once. “With any luck, my ma will get the kids asleep in their own beds, and we can pick up where we left off later.”

Rafael grins. “I like the sound of that.”

Sonny kisses his forehead, then his nose, then his lips. “I love you,” he whispers against Rafael’s mouth.

“I love you, too.”

Sonny smiles once, then they part so they can walk down the hall to the elevator.

* * *

 

The party is dreadfully boring. The music is boring, the food is boring, the drinks are boring. Sonny wishes they could get out of there sooner than later, but he knows Rafael needs to at least make small talk with everyone.

Sometimes it is evident to Sonny that he doesn’t fit with the crowd. An ex-cop, a man who stays home with the kids, he doesn’t have a lot in common with anyone in attendance.

An ADA’s husband and their distant friend, Paul, pauses to talk to Sonny for a second. “Sonny, how are you, bud? How are the kids?”

“Huh? Oh, they’re great, thank you for—“

“How many are there now? I can’t keep up, you guys are at it so often.”

Sonny chuckles. “Just the four.”

“Four? Wow. And the girls are twins?”

“Uh, no, actually—“

Paul stops him with a hand on his arm. “Hold that thought, man, I’ve got to talk to Dan.”

It’s clear to Sonny that nobody is interested in his life. They’re interested in Rafael’s power, which is warranted, but embarrassing when someone tries to talk to him with nothing in common to talk about.

Sonny just lingers against the wall and watches Rafael surrounded by Manhattan’s most important people.

There’s a piano player in the corner, and Sonny makes his way over to the music. He stands right against the piano.

The piano player glances up at him, then smiles.

“I’ve been noticing you,” the man says, not pausing his tune. “Hoping you’d come over.”

“Oh?” Sonny asks, confused.

“You don’t belong in this room.”

Sonny doesn’t know what to say to that, but the piano player continues.

“You’re not as stiff as the rest of them.”

Sonny partly understands that. He’s not busying himself with smalltalk that doesn’t matter.

The piano’s tune changes to be darker, faster, slightly more intense. Far more interesting than it was.

“What are you, uh, doin’ later?”

Sonny is surprised. Maybe it’s because, usually when he’s out, he’s got four kids attached to him. Rarely does he get hit on anymore. Especially not when Rafael is feet away.

“Uh,” Sonny chuckles, looking down at his drink. “Going home to my four children.”

The piano player looks him up and down. “Really?”

Sonny nods.

“Then, uh,” the piano player says, “Mind moving to give someone else a chance?”

“No problem,” Sonny says, then happily leaves. He just wanted to hear some music, not be hit on.

Sonny finds an empty couch and sits. Right then, Rafael catches him.

“Did you think I forgot about you?” he jokes, holding out a drink in offering.

Sonny lifts his. “Too late, my love.”

Rafael shrugs, then downs the drink himself.

“Easy,” Sonny comments.

Rafael moves to sit next to Sonny, but someone intercepts him before he can.

“Rafi, you were going to give me your views on the Hayward case. You don’t mind if I steal him away, do you, Sonny?”

“Be my guest,” Sonny says, giving Rafael a small smile.

Rafael returns it, then heads off with the man who just took him away.

Sonny is left alone for a minute, just sipping lazily at his drink, before he’s joined by a furry friend. The mayor’s dog, Rosie, jumps up onto the couch and lays across Sonny’s lap.

“Hey, Rosie,” Sonny says. “Where’ve you been hiding, girl? Me, I’d hide too, if I could.” He pets the dog, wiggles her floppy ears, and scratches her belly when she turns over.

Sonny watches the party come and go, and it seems like hours before someone gets his attention by calling to his husband.  
   
Sonny looks up. There’s a man in the doorway of the lavish apartment, not far from Rafael. Rafael looks nervous. Sonny sits up immediately.  
   
“Hello, Mr. Barba,” the man says, then makes his way through the parting crowd to Rafael.  
   
Rafael waves a hand to Maria, who was perched outside the apartment door and followed the man in, so Maria stands down. Sonny does not.  
   
“Can I help you?” Rafael asks.  
   
The man speaks low enough to have a private conversation with Rafael, but Sonny is close enough to hear from the couch.  
   
People pass by the two talking, and each person greets the mysterious man.  
   
“Hey, John!” they say, as if pleased to see him. Rafael is still not pleased.  
   
Then, it dawns on Sonny who it is; he’s seen the man on the news and in the paper. He’s one of the heads of the anti-drug bureau. Sonny is still confused why he’s talking to Rafael. And why Rafael’s eyebrows are knitted together so angrily.  
   
“I just wanted to apologize for scaring you the other day, Mr. Barba. I didn’t mean any harm by it.”  
   
Rafael glances around to make sure nobody is listening. Of course, Sonny still is.  
   
“You threatened my family.”  
   
“Threatened your beautiful family, Mr. Barba? I wouldn’t. I just want to make sure you know what you’re doing.”  
   
“I do know what I’m doing: my job. Getting rid of the bad guys.”  
   
“Is that what your kids say? Cute. Anyway, Mr. Barba, you know what you’re doing. You know what’s good for you. And if you don’t...well, I’ll always know how to remind you.”  
   
Rafael glared at him.  
   
John turns to leave, but before he can step far away, he returns to Rafael.  
   
“Say, did you ever find a house?”  
   
Rafael says nothing.  
   
John grins. “See you around, Rafael.”  
   
Rafael stares as John steps away to talk to other people.  
   
Sonny is on Rafael in a flash. Rafael takes a few deep breaths.  
   
“That’s him?” Sonny asks.  
   
Rafael nods. “I didn’t know he was a cop.”  
   
“I know, babe. Let’s get out of here.”  
   
Rafael surprisingly doesn’t argue with Sonny, they just head out the door, motioning for Maria to leave, too.  
 

* * *

  
   
Sonny takes Rafael for a late drink, Maria sweeping the dim lit bar first, then they head home once they’re loosened up. Sonny tries to push Rafael for a restraining order, but Rafael fights Sonny on it.

“You’re being threatened by a cop,” Sonny insists. “We know you haven’t had the best track record with the NYPD.”

Rafael smirks. “I married a New York cop—“

“Shut up,” Sonny stops him. “Okay, with the exception of me, who likes you, at best, most of the time—“

Sitting alone in the back of Mike’s cab, Rafael reaches to take Sonny’s hand. “Only like—“

Sonny takes his hand away. “Take this seriously.”

“Sonny, come on. Sure, I’m not the NYPD’s favorite person, but how many times have I been killed over it?”

Luckily, they pull up outside their building right at that moment, because Sonny probably would have stormed out of the car because of the stupid joke even if they were still steadily riding up Madison Avenue.

“Come on, Sonny, I was kidding!”  
   
Rafael catches up to Sonny as he’s stomping up the stairs. Sonny is not happy. However, Rafael seems somewhat oblivious. He’s smiling when they get up to the front door.  
   
“Who do you think won?” Rafael asks, unlocking the front door. “Grandma or monsters?”  
   
Sonny shrugs.  
   
They walk into the house to find Deb snoozing on the couch, the kids nowhere to be seen.  
   
“Ma?” Sonny whispers, shaking Deb gently. “Ma? Wanna stay over or go home?”  
   
Deb slowly sits up and blinks awake. “I’m going home,” she says.  
   
“Where are the kids?”  
   
“Asleep.”  
   
Sonny must look surprised, because Deb chuckles. “Oh, baby, it’s only you who can’t put them to bed on time.”  
   
Rafael chuckles.  
   
Sonny holds back a glare at both of them. Instead, he just kisses his mother’s cheek and heads for his bedroom.  
   
Rafael looks at Deb. “Can I walk you down? Mike’s holding the cab.”  
   
“You’d better go to your husband,” Deb tells him. “He’s not in a good mood when he doesn’t have a sarcastic comeback for me.”  
   
Rafael nods. “Thanks, Ma. We’ll call you later.”  
   
Deb pats his cheek, then heads for the door.  
   
Sonny is already undressing when Rafael walks in. Rafael steps up behind him and wraps his arms around his waist.  
   
Rafael kisses his neck.  
   
“That tickles,” Sonny mumbles.  
   
“That’s the idea,” Rafael whispers.  
   
Sonny shrugs out of the way.  
   
“Please, tell me what’s wrong.”  
   
Sonny is frowning. “I love you.”  
   
Rafael smirks. He reaches out to hook a finger in Sonny’s pants waist. “That’s a good thing, mi amor—”  
   
“Rafi, I love you and I’m scared.”  
   
“Of what?”  
   
“I’m scared that you’re not taking any of this seriously. There are threats against your life—”  
   
“Technically, he never—”  
   
“Rafi, come on. Can’t you just be smart about this?”  
   
Rafael steps close to Sonny again. “Amorcito, listen to me. I am being smart, okay? We’re fine. What I want to know is why the head of an anti-drug bureau is threatening me. What are they hiding?”

“Finally, you and I agree on something.”

Rafael smiles. “A question for tomorrow. For now, we are all safe, in our tiny home. And we are fine.”  
   
Sonny looks at him with giant blue eyes wide. “We’re fine,” he repeats. Just to be sure.  
   
Rafael nods. He leans in and kisses Sonny’s neck.  
   
“Did you notice anything different about our bedroom?” Rafael asks quietly.  
   
“Hmm?”  
   
“Our bed is free of children.”  
   
Sonny finally cracks a smile. “I had noticed.”  
   
“Because your mother is a miracle worker. Let’s keep her around all the time.”  
   
Sonny chuckles. “I agree.”  
   
Rafael kisses Sonny’s lips. “I’ve missed you, baby.”  
   
Sonny wraps his arms around Rafael’s neck. “I’ve missed you, too. Since this morning.”  
   
“When we woke up with Camilla between us. Come on, let’s—”  
   
Before Rafael can do anything more, before Sonny can even shut the door, there’s a little voice behind them.  
   
“I’m thirsty,” Javy says, getting their attention.  
   
“Couldn’t be easy,” Sonny says, kissing Rafael’s forehead.  
   
“Are your siblings up?” Rafael asks.  
   
“Yeah, all of ‘em. They just made me come get you, ‘cause you’ll be mad at me anyway.”  
   
“Shush, Javy, we’re not mad at you,” Sonny says, pushing Javy out the door.  
   
Sonny turns to Rafael again. “See you around.”  
   
Rafael just chuckles, pulling at his tie as Sonny leaves the room.  
   
Once all children are hydrated, Sonny goes into their bedroom to see them asleep. Luckily, three have already shut their eyes, but Javy is laying awake, staring at Sonny from Camilla’s bed.  
   
“Will you tell me a story?” the boy asks.  
   
Sonny can’t resist, of course. Still wearing suit pants and his dress shirt, Sonny lays next to Javy. Javy snuggles up to his dad’s chest.  
   
“Once,” Sonny whispers, knowing exactly what story is on his mind, “There were two men who did not like each other. One man had a bad temper, was snarky, and he thought the other man was very annoying. They didn’t have a lot in common, but eventually they found they did have some in common and became friends.”

“How did that happen?” Javy asks.

“Well, one of the men was in school to become a lawyer, and when the other man found out, found out that he was really smart and realized he was very handsome, he began to like the other man. So he’d take him to dinner and they’d talk and talk all night.  
   
“They fell in love. After a while, they loved each other so much, and they got married. And later, they loved each other too much. They decided they needed to love other people, so they had a baby.”  
   
“How?” Javy asks. “I thought a man and woman had to make a baby.”

“Where’d you hear that?” Sonny asks. They’ve never had that talk with the kids.

“Some kids at school said I can’t be Daddy’s son too if I only look like you, ‘cause a man and woman have to make a baby.”

Sonny is angry quickly. “Are you being bullied?”

“I dunno, I’ve never been bullied before.”

Sonny pushes down the anger and makes a mental note to call the school to complain. Or to ask Javy about it later to get information he can send to the school.

For a second, Sonny thinks about the process it took to get the twins. They had a surrogate, of course, but there was a question of whose sperm would be used. They heard about a method some use where they use both sperms and see whose takes, so that’s what won in the end. But, when two came out looking just like Sonny, there was no real question whose sperm won the battle. For the second two kids, Camilla and Christian, they used exclusively Rafael’s sperm with the surrogate. Not that it was a competition, but two and two was fair, and Sonny would’ve loved it just as much if all of them were little Rafael Barba’s. Rafael was the man he chose to make the family with, why wouldn’t he want them all to be just like him?

Still, Sonny had his two perfect blonde boys, one cradled safely in his arms, so he continued the story:

“Well, the men found someone who could carry the baby, and she had the baby. But, the wonderfully miraculous thing, was that there were two babies.  
   
“So, the two men had two babies. And the four were so happy, but they all decided they wanted to share their love again. So, they had another baby. The family of five was happy. One dad worked very hard, and one was very happy helping the babies grow.”

Sonny thought about the times they only had three babies, and how wrong he had been at the start by thinking three were enough. How his heart always seemed to be missing something in baby Christian. Sonny needed four babies to be complete, even though he’d share his love for Rafael with a million children if they could.  
   
“But finally,” Sonny continues, “They wanted to share their love one last time. They had another baby. And they bought a tiny apartment, so they were all too close together. But they’re happy.”  
   
Javy yawns against Sonny’s chest.  
   
“Was that story about you and Daddy?” he asks.  
   
“Yeah. And you and your brothers and sister. Don’t ever forget that Daddy and I love you more than anything in the world.”  
   
“I won’t. I love you too, Dad.”  
   
Sonny kisses the top of his head. It’s sweet moments like this that Sonny feels like he’s doing it all right. That their kids are alright. He can forget about fear, and how small their apartment is, and how the boys are terrors, and wondering if he’s doing enough for Camilla...  
   
Sonny can’t count to a minute before Javy is asleep. It’s another five before he joins, too.


	4. Chapter 4

Rafael loves a quiet apartment.

From growing up alone, living with absent roommates in college, and luckily have lone offices through the years, he is so good at getting lost in his own head. Getting married and having children, Rafael had to get used to sharing his thoughts very quickly, but on the rare moments of silence, Rafael soaks it up.  
Christian is easy company. The baby, barely two, still only says about three words, and offers Rafael the perfect companion to bounce ideas off.

The silent, un-busy morning has offered Rafael the time to get around to reading Mike’s son’s case, and it’s not as interesting as Rafael had hoped.

Mike’s son was caught with a weapon at the scene of a robbery. Any jury could have seen wrong-place-wrong-time, but a Latino teenager holding a gun he didn’t need is a bad look. Rafael sees where they messed up, where the cops messed up, and where he could get the boy off.

Mike walks into the apartment unannounced. He does that. He and Sonny have become good friends, and with Mike’s help around the house—offering the family rides anywhere they need to go—Rafael is okay with it.

Mostly.

Rafael is only human, which means he’s jealous.

Not jealous that Sonny has a close friend or that Sonny may be attracted to Mike. Rafael is not worried about that one bit.

What bothers Rafael is that Mike often gets to spend more time with his children. Mike drives them to school when Rafael might get one day a week to even get them ready for school. Mike takes them to play dates and appointments and their extracurricular activities, and Rafael hears about it later.

Mike walks into the house and greets Rafael warmly.

“Hey-ya, Mr. Barba,” he says, and that’s another thing. He just calls Sonny by his first name, or his nickname, but he addresses Rafael like he’s the man of the house.

“Good morning, Mike.”

Mike makes himself at home by dropping his coat at the corner of the couch. Rafael glares at him.

Rafael continues to read as Mike heads to the baby gate for Christian.

“Hey, Christian!” Mike cries, and Christian sounds happy to see him.

Rafael glances up and glares as Mike picks him up and swings him around.

“How you doin’, buddy?” Mike asks the boy.

Rafael doesn’t expect Christian to say anything, so he’s more than surprised when Christian, clear as day, replies, “Daddy!”

Rafael almost drops the case folder he’s holding.

Mike laughs uncomfortably. “No, buddy, there’s your daddy, over there.”

Christian is still looking at Mike. “Daddy!” he says again.

Rafael is nearly angry now. All of his jealousy and insecurity is being handed to him right now. His baby is calling another man ‘Daddy’!

“You tryin’ to get me in trouble, blabbermouth?” Mike jokes, still clearly uncomfortable, as he puts Christian back on the floor.

Rafael wants Mike gone. “I can’t try this case,” he says.

“Ah, Mr. Barba—“

“He’s clearly guilty. Whatever he’s claiming to you is a lie,” Rafael is lying.

“My son wouldn’t—“

Rafael holds up the folder. “Your son did. He’s a common criminal—“

Mike’s nostrils flare. “I won’t have you talking about him this way. I know what’s right, I trust him. It’s guys like you—“

“I grew up the same way your son did. In the projects, working parents. Just didn’t rob any place with a weapon.”

Mike steps forward at Rafael quickly, and Rafael squares to take a punch. Instead, thankfully, Mike just yanks the case folder from Rafael’s hand.

“I thought you were one of the good ones,” Mike mutters as he heads for the door.

Rafael doesn’t know what to say to that. Of course he’s one of the good ones, and soon he’ll realize he’s made a mistake. But for the moment, he’s just angry, and he can’t be angry at baby Christian.

Once Mike is gone, he does look at Christian, who is staring right at him.

“I’m Daddy,” he says.

Christian nods.

Rafael wanders the apartment for a second to gather real work. He disappears into his bedroom for about thirty seconds, and when he comes back into the living room, there’s new strangers in the living room.

One is not a stranger. One is the landlord, Mr. Conner, and one is a scary looking expensive woman with giant black sunglasses and a fancy, heavy coat.

“Can I help you?”

“Hold this,” the woman says, handing Rafael the end of a tape measure.

Rafael, still very confused, takes it. The woman steps back to the opposite side of the room, near the kids’ bedroom door, and reads off.

“Fourteen. Let go.”

Rafael does. “Again, can I—“

“There,” the woman says blandly. She hands Mr. Conner the tape measure, then he walks over to the window where she’s pointing.

“Nine,” he says, measuring the length of their curtains over the window.

“Excellent. I’ll see the bedroom.”

Rafael steps in her way. “Wait. This is my home, that’s my bedroom, and you can’t just—“

“In two weeks it will no longer be your bedroom, it will be mine,” the woman says.

“What?” Rafael asks, looking at Mr. Conner.

“Mr. Barba,” he says, “Mr. Carisi opted out of the lease months ago. Ms. Stevens is taking over in two weeks. I’m sorry, I thought—“

“He clearly forgot,” Rafael says.

“That’s not my problem,” Ms. Stevens says. “I am tired, Mr. Barba, I don’t like to be awake in the day and you are wasting my time. I’d just like to see my new bedroom now. I need to make sure my bed will fit before I go.”

As she disappears into the room, Rafael mumbles, “What does she sleep in, a coffin?”

Mr. Conner replies, “I’ve been terrified all day.”

“And what does she mean she doesn’t like being awake during the day? What is she, a vampire?”

“She isn’t,” Rafael hears right behind him, causing him to jump. Then, all Ms. Stevens adds is, “The kitchen. Mr. Conner, your assistance.”

Mr. Conner glances nervously at Rafael, who is trying to steady his breathing, before he follows Ms. Stevens into the kitchen.

A minute later, three children run through the front door of the apartment, followed by a flustered looking father.

“Hi, Daddy!” they all yell, running up to Rafael.

Rafael absentmindedly picks Camilla up. He’s too distracted, thinking about the stranger examining his kitchen and that he will soon need to move out.

“Sonny,” Rafael says sternly, addressing Sonny over Camilla telling him all about her day.

“Oh, hey, Rafi,” Sonny says, sounding tired. He leans in for a quick kiss.

“Babe,” Rafael adds, “Did you forget to tell me you opted out of our lease?”

“Oh, fuck...”

“What fuck?” Javy asks.

Camilla giggles.

Rafael ignores him. He’s just looking at Sonny. He slowly lowers Camilla from his arms and the three older kids run away.

Sonny runs a hand through his hair. “Shit,” he mutters. “I’m sorry, honey. Did Mr. Conner call—“

Mr. Conner pops out of the kitchen. “He didn’t, I apologize,” he says.

Sonny jumps. “Jesus Christ!”

Mr. Conner apologizes again. “My client wanted to see the apartment immediately.”

“Mr. Conner,” Ms. Stevens announces as she exits the kitchen. “I need to see the bedroom once more.”

Mr. Conner follows her into the bedroom.

“What are we supposed to do?” Rafael asks.

Sonny rubs his forehead. “Okay, we’ll figure it out—“

“We have two weeks. I have work. And the kids—“

Sonny nods. “I know, just...let me think.”

Mr. Conner and Ms. Stevens exit the bedroom again.

“I don’t want to be the tattle-tale,” Mr. Conner says, “But the children are jumping on the bed.”

Sonny and Rafael don’t even say anything about that. Rafael just steps up to Mr. Conner.

“You don’t have any other apartment available? Something, maybe, a little bigger? On Park or downtown?”

Sonny looks at him surprised. From all they’ve ever discussed, daydreamed, they agreed on something big outside the city. With a yard, or at least near a park. Somewhere their kids could grow, have their own space.

“Mr. Barba, I don’t even have anything more in this building. I’m sorry.”

Rafael nods. Sonny gives a half wave to Mr. Conner as he follows Ms. Stevens out, then silently wanders into the kitchen.

Rafael follows.

“So, you’re mad at me over this?” Rafael asks, reading Sonny’s body language.

“I’m not mad at you,” Sonny says, pouring himself a glass of water so he doesn’t have to look at Rafael.

Rafael sits at the little kitchen table. “What’s wrong?”

“Another apartment, Rafi? Really?”

“Sonny, we have two weeks to go somewhere else. There was a landlord right in front of me, I was looking for an easy fix.”

“What about our big house? Our dream home?” Sonny turns around to face Rafael, but he still doesn’t look at Rafael. He focuses on the glass in his hand.

Rafael sighs. He wants all of that with Sonny, he always has. His family has always been more important than the office. Letting the kids grow is more important than the commute he’ll need to endure in the city.

Giving his husband and children what they want, everything they need, will be worth finding a house quickly in two weeks.

“Two trains.”

Sonny looks up at him. “What?”

“My limit for a commute is two trains, if a Uber will be too expensive.”

Sonny looks hopeful. “What are you saying, Rafi?”

“I’m saying you deserve a big house. We deserve a big house. I want to give you everything you’ve ever dreamed.”

Sonny lunges at Rafael. He wraps his arms around Rafael’s neck and sits on his lap.

“You’ve already given me everything I’ve ever dreamed,” Sonny says. “Our dream home will just be...God, Rafi, perfect.”

Rafael rubs his back. He nuzzles the side of Sonny’s neck.

Sonny pulls back and takes hold of Rafael’s face. “I love you,” he whispers, kissing Rafael gently.

“I love you,” Rafael says back.

Before their kisses can turn any more into loving pecks, they hear shallow tiptoeing into the kitchen.

“Daddy,” Manny whispers, his face close to where Sonny and Rafael are still attached, now laughing against each other’s lips. “We’re hungry.”

Sonny sits back and sighs. “I’ll make you something,” he says.

“I was talking to other-Daddy,” Manny says.

Rafael smirks. The kids always ask him for meals, because Sonny will make them eat healthy and Rafael is a sucker for big eyes and lets them eat McDonald’s or Kraft macaroni and cheese. Of course, they love when Rafael makes them Cuban dishes of his youth, but in rare afternoons when Rafael is home, such as today, the kids are bound to ask for fast food that Sonny usually doesn’t get.

“Yeah, yeah,” Sonny concedes, climbing off Rafael’s lap.

Rafael hates the loss, but he’s quickly replaced by the three older kids attacking Rafael with requests for lunch. Christian is rushing behind them, because they moved the gate for him, and Sonny lifts Christian into Rafael’s arms over the older kids. Rafael loves it, loves holding all four, trying to pay attention to each of them.

Rafael glances up at Sonny. He is smiling down at them, looking proud, near tears in his eyes, and Rafael knows exactly what he’s thinking: how blessed they are. How ready they are for the move. How much they need it, their kids need it, and what right they want to do by their kids.

The search for a new house will begin soon. For now, Rafael must order a greasy cheese pizza.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading! Hope you enjoy! Let me know!


	5. Chapter 5

“It’s so ugly.”

Rafael flicks the back of Javy’s head.

“What?! Look at it!”

The family of six looks on at their brand new home.

Their brand new home, outside the city, which was so cheap because of how rundown it is. The shutters are falling off, and he front door is barely closing, it needs paint and patch work and a whole lot of love.

That’s what Sonny kept saying.

“It just needs a little love, Rafi, it’ll be great.”

Rafael has always been stupid when it comes to Sonny.

So, they bought the house, which was far, far below their budget and Sonny said he’d fix it.

The move was so quick that, of course, they couldn’t fix much yet. A few beds arrived for the kids, but only one of the four bedrooms is livable so far. It has heat and there are no cracks letting rain water in from the ceiling.

Sonny suckered Rafael with the rooms.

One master downstairs; it was huge and had enough space for a king bed and a little reading corner by the fireplace. Three bedrooms upstairs; one for Manny and Javy, one for Camilla, and one for Christian. The twins had agreed to such, wanting to be together almost constantly, and their fathers were proud of that.

The kitchen was much larger than the one in the apartment, with a connecting dining room so they didn’t have to eat right on top of each other.

Downstairs also had a study that Rafael would use as an office, and a living room that was big enough for a big television and couch. Upstairs also had a loft area that they would use as a playroom.

Sonny was so proud of the place. He had the vision, the ideas. He already bought orange paint for a wall in the twins’ room, green for Camilla’s, and purple for Christian’s. Sonny’s already picked out furniture and backsplash. Rafael just agrees that he can “see it” when Sonny asks, but he really has no idea what Sonny is talking about.

“It’s horrendous,” Camilla says.

“Hideous,” Manny adds.

“Horrible,” Javy continues.

Rafael looks at the three of them proudly. His little genius babies.

But when he glances at Sonny, searching for the same approval, he just sees defeat. He knows Sonny is rethinking the whole thing, regretting it all. He knows Sonny beats himself up over the little things that effect the family, like it isn’t both their faults. Like Rafael didn’t sign the papers, too.

Rafael knows it’s his duty to keep Sonny from getting too lost in his own head. So, he reaches over and grabs Sonny’s hand.

“Happy,” he says softly.

Sonny looks up at him with big eyes. “Huh?”

“Happy. We’re happy. We’ll be happy.”

“Happy,” Sonny repeats.

Manny butts in, “Yeah, happy! I can’t wait ‘til we can put our bunk-beds in our room, and we can make a fort, and—“

Javy joins, “Dad, can we get a soccer net for the backyard? Or a batting cage? Or a—“

Of course, Camilla has her own ideas. “A basketball hoop! And a mat that we can do flips on!”

Rafael sighs, just imagining that. “Where’s the nearest hospital?” he jokes.

“Yeah, your insurance was updated with the promotion, right?” Sonny asks.

Rafael laughs. Then, he looks down at Christian in his arms. “What do you want? A trampoline? A swimming pool?”

“A swing set!” the twins shout at the same time.

“He loves the swings at the park!” Camilla tells her fathers.

“That’s doable,” Rafael tells Sonny.

Sonny smiles in agreement. He gazes up at the house with a small smile on his face.

Rafael wraps his free arm around Sonny’s waist. “We’ll make it work.”

Sonny lifts his arm to rest around Rafael’s shoulders. He leans in and kisses his head. “I sure hope so,” he whispers.

But Rafael knows it will work.

* * *

 

Rafael’s first commute is not the worst thing ever. He is able to use the train ride to catch up on emails, read cases he has to review, and review a picture of the kids that Sonny sent him about a minute after he walked out the front door.

The worst part was having to sit for so long. A simple cab ride was quick, easy, but a long train ride after sleeping on a blow-up mattress in the study was not ideal.

Rafael could only think about how much better it was going to be. Sonny was putting in work to make their house special. The kids were helping, which was great, and Rafael was getting more and more excited each day.

Rafael works hard the entire day then rushes home, but about a week in gets off too late to get home to put the kids to bed anyway, so he stops at their favorite bar to take a load off before catching the last train out.

Rafael loves this bar. It’s where he and Sonny would come to wind down after tough days at work, even before there was much between them. It’s a cute little joint that’s stood the test of time, since it’s been almost over ten years since Sonny’s even worked at SVU, and Rafael’s glad for the reprieve close enough to the office that he doesn’t have to go far out of his way after work.

Rafael’s halfway through a drink and writing some notes when a figure slides into the booth across from him.

Rafael slowly looks up. It’s John, the NYPD officer who’s been making appearances.

“Mr. Barba, good evening. Where’s your better half?”

“He’s...” Rafael almost actually answers him, but quickly realizes John isn’t really asking.

John laughs. “I meant that cute cop you’re always with now. What’s her name?”

Rafael sent Maria home. She doesn’t make the ride home with him, so it was easy to dismiss her before heading to the bar.

“What do you want?” Rafael asks.

John grabs a pretzel from the bowl between them. “Just came to say hi, that’s all.”

“Why?” Rafael asks.

John shrugs.

Rafael eyes him. He’s just trying to intimidate Rafael. But why?

“What do you want from me?” Rafael asks.

“I just want to make sure—“

“No, I know,” Rafael cuts him off. “But why? What are you guys hiding?”

“Nothin’, if you’re smart.”

Rafael realizes that John is just stupid. Not even he has any idea what he’s saying. He’s probably just the muscle, sent to talk to Rafael by a higher-up. “How can I be smart if I have no idea what I’m avoiding?”

John plays with a pretzel as he looks contemplative.

Rafael lifts his eyebrows. “No? Nothing? Okay, well, if you figure something out, something a little more specific, you know where to find me.”

Rafael downs the last of his drink, then slowly stands. He tosses a few bills on the bar, enough to cover his tab, a tip, and another drink.

“Drink’s on me,” Rafael says, before turning to leave.

“The last guy understood,” John calls out before Rafael can get too far.

Rafael turns around. He assumes ‘the last guy’ was the previous DA. Rafael challenges, “The last guy was a coward. You guys are going down.”

Again, John looks like he doesn’t know what to say, so Rafael just smirks and walks out of the bar.

Walking down the street, Rafael tries to convince himself that the rapid beating of his heart is from physically moving and not nerves.

* * *

 

Rafael gets home too late. The house is quiet, boxes everywhere, a thin layer of dust from basic repairs to flooring and walls, and most importantly: no Sonny in their downstairs blow-up mattress.

There is a note stuck to Sonny’s pillow.

_‘Upstairs with the kids. We had a round of nightmares. They’re convinced the house is haunted. More tomorrow. Get some sleep. I love you. -S’_

Rafael smiles because Sonny signs his notes. As if anyone else would leave Rafael love-notes.

With a shrug, Rafael takes off his suit, hangs it over a clean chair in the room, then settles into the uncomfortably flat bed.

* * *

 

The sun streaming through the large bay window does not wake Rafael. What wakes Rafael, as it usually does, is four children jumping on him. Unfortunately, they love the bounce of the air mattress, because they hop and hop on top of Rafael.

“Alright, I’m awake!” he cries, trying to sit up while rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

“Daddy! We want waffles!” Manny yells, hopping on Rafael’s chest.

Rafael makes a sound as he’s knocked back over. “Well, I can’t make waffles if I can’t get up!”

“Off, off!” Camilla instructs, and the four jump off the bed and run out of the room.

Rafael is still flopped over on the bed, still drowsy and heavy, and he thinks he can maybe fall back to sleep for a few minutes—

“Rafi, come on. You’re still in bed? We gotta go!”

Rafael’s eyes fly open. “What? Where are we going?”

“School, Rafi, come on! I told you! Kids’ first day and they want both parents there!”

“Ugh!” Rafael sighs, covering his eyes with his hand.

The bed dips drastically. Rafael feels the familiar presence of a body looming over his.

A nose digs into his neck. “Jesus Christ, you smell good.”

Lips trace where the nose was, sucking kisses up to Rafael’s ear.

Rafael’s hand digs into Sonny’s soft hair and he tries to pull Sonny on top of him.

“Come on,” Sonny whispers.

“You come on.”

Sonny chuckles. “We gotta go. Then we can come home, put Christian down for a nap, and see what this mattress can hold.”

Rafael stretches up under Sonny. Sonny sucks hard on a spot behind Rafael’s ear. Rafael moans.

Sonny groans. “Come on, don’t do this to me—“

“You’re on top of me.”

“God, and I want to—“

The freakin’ doorbell rings.

Not that the kids wouldn’t interrupt any minute anyway.

Sonny gets up. “That’s the painters!”

Rafael groans again. The painters will be around all day, not to mention the crew redoing the kitchen and the woodworkers and the windows being installed. Rafael knows he and Sonny will not have a moment of silence or privacy at all, and Rafael knows he might as well take a trip into Manhattan to work anyway.

Sonny quickly rushes to the door. Rafael is slower getting up, but knows he needs to.

Before he dresses, Rafael remembers something good he got as a housewarming gift from someone in the office. Someone who clearly has no children and doesn’t understand why Rafael moved, because they gifted him a fancy bottle of whiskey.

Rafael takes it out of his briefcase, unscrews the cap, and sniffs it. It’s heaven, strong stuff. Rafael probably shouldn’t, but it would relieve stress, calm the ache he feels pretty much all over from sleeping in the study.

He takes a long drink. It burns so smoothly all the way down; Rafael loves it.

Rafael takes another drink.

Then another.

Finally, he’s satisfied, more loose, so he gets dressed in casual jeans and a polo, then joins the rest of the family.

M

* * *

 

The meeting is boring. The kids are able to attend a private Catholic school, which Sonny loved and Rafael was fine with. Sonny attended a private Catholic elementary school, and he claims it taught him the most important things he learned in life. Rafael wanted to argue Harvard wasn’t too bad of an education, but at the time he could tell Sonny was in no mood for a mocking argument, so Rafael went with it.

Rafael and the three older kids are seated on a bench in the corner, while Sonny has Christian on his lap on a chair right in front of the head nun’s desk. Sister Mary is flipping through files and papers while shifting her glance between Sonny and Rafael. As if she’s trying to decide if they’re a decent same-sex couple. They probably will hold up, Rafael thinks, because they have money.

Finally, Sister Mary speaks. “The twins are almost eleven, and the ten year olds are usually in fifth grade.”

“In Manhattan, they were in sixth,” Sonny argues. The twins’ birthday is in three weeks, the middle of December. “They’re very bright.”

Sister Mary glances over at the twins. Manny’s got his finger in his nose and Javy is pulling at his school uniform’s jacket.

Rafael glances down at them and can’t help but chuckle. They’re taking it just about as seriously as he is.

Then, Sonny spits out, “Manuel Luis!”, so, Rafael holds back the chuckle and nudges Manny to get him to stop.

“Dominick,” Sister Mary says suddenly, and Rafael has to hold back another laugh when Sonny jumps. “Is something wrong with you?” she asks.

“My suit’s all itchy,” Javy says.

“Javy, stop,” Sonny mutters.

Javy lowers his hands.

“Dominick, maybe it’s itchy because it hasn’t been washed yet, as recommended.”

Rafael wants to argue that it was washed, by hand, thank you very much, because their house doesn’t have a freakin’ washing machine yet, but the way Sonny is glaring at him, he knows he probably should not shout that at a nun.

“He likes being called Javy,” Sonny says to divert.

Sister Mary just sighs and looks at her paperwork.

“Camilla will need to be in third grade.”

Sonny doesn’t argue, even though Rafael can tell he wants to say something.

“But they will be tested tomorrow to find out. For now,” Sister Mary calls for her secretary. “Sister Jen, please take Manuel and Dominick to Sister Veronica, then take Camilla to Sister Rose.”

The children miserably say goodbye to their fathers, then they follow Sister Jen from the room.

“Now,” Sister Mary says after the kids are gone, “For the parents, we require a minimum of twenty volunteer hours between school functions, classroom time, or—“

Rafael snorts.

Sister Mary looks at him. “Is that a problem, Mr. Barba?”

Sonny cuts in, “No, it’s fine, Sister.” He’s glaring at Rafael.

Rafael ignores him. “It is when I work an immeasurable number of hours in Manhattan as, y’know, the head of their lawyers—“

“Rafi...” Sonny warns.

Rafael continues, “Also, we’re paying how much for our children to attend this school? On top of that, you expect me to pay with my time? What is the consequence for not complying with this demand? You can not deny my children their education. What do the other parents think of this? You can’t possibly say every single family has complied...”

Rafael goes on for a few more minutes about how ridiculous it is to demand they volunteer, his key point that you can’t call it volunteering if it is mandatory.

Finally, Sister Mary dismisses them with a very annoyed look on her face. Whatever semblance of respect she would have had for them was probably ruined by Rafael’s outburst.

Rafael straps Christian into his car seat as Sonny stomps and throws himself into the driver’s seat of the rented SUV. Any semblance of Rafael getting laid today was also thrown out the window, he realizes.

“Why do you gotta do that?” Sonny asks as Rafael finally gets in the car, feeling far less buzzed than he had.

“What?”

Sonny glares at him. He hasn’t even started the car yet.

“Come on, Sonny,” Rafael says. “That’s ridiculous—“

“It’s not like you’re even going to be around anyway.”

Rafael looks at Sonny. He’s staring at the steering wheel.

“Sonny—“

“It’s fine, Rafi.”

Sonny starts the car, but it remains in park.

“Sonny, wait. Look, I can apologize for that in there, and making fun of you for wanting to send our kids to school here, and for drinking three shots before we came here, and—“

“Wait, what?” Sonny asks.

“But I can’t, I won’t, apologize for doing my job. This...we wanted this. Didn’t we? Was I wrong?”

Sonny sighs. “No, baby, of course we wanted it. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“If it’s how you feel—“

“It’s not, Rafi, it’s really not. I just...I mean, sure, sometimes it’d be nice to not have to share you. You know? But then I spend another grand on house repairs and I know it’s what you need to do.”

It takes Rafael too long to realize Sonny is making a joke. He chuckles in relief.

“Wait, how much are you spending exactly?” Rafael asks.

Sonny takes his hand. “We, baby. We are spending.”

“You’re not going to sway me with pet names.”

Sonny leans over the center console. He ghosts his lips against Rafael’s. Rafael, the sucker, leans into him. Sonny sighs, almost a moan, to get Rafael to forgive him for saying something outrageous.

“You’re a tease,” Rafael whispers.

“You like it.”

So help him, Rafael loves it. Getting wound up by Sonny is almost as good as the real thing. Rafael remembers being driven crazy once, a long time ago, early on when they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, when celebrating at the bar with the SVU team, Sonny inappropriately teasing Rafael into full hardness under the table of the team’s booth. Or, more recently, Sonny pushing Rafael into the guest bathroom at his parents’ house and kissing the life out of him before rushing out of the bathroom, an evil smirk on his face.

Rafael thinks Sonny has no business being so sexy a little over twelve years of marriage in with four kids usually attached to him.

Sonny gives Rafael a quick kiss. Then he says, “Baby, if I ever start saying shit about you not being here again, pinch me because I’m being crazy.”

“You’re allowed to be upset, okay? I understand. We’re a team, and I’m not a very good player sometimes. I know.”

“I love it when you make sports references.”

Rafael smirks. “Want to climb in the backseat and go to third base?”

Sonny laughs. He nods towards the back. “Did you forget, we have a shadow?”

Rafael glances back at Christian, who is just staring at them with wide eyes, like he’s sleepy.

“Go to sleep, buddy,” Rafael whispers. “Let Daddy get lucky.”

Sonny rolls his eyes. “Yeah, right. We gotta go. I have the cabinet guys comin’ in about twenty minutes.”

“Someone should get to come,” Rafael mutters, pulling on his seatbelt.

Sonny laughs as he puts the car in reverse. “Rafi, shush.”

Rafael just smiles.

And hey, Rafael thinks, if the family gets kicked out of the school because he won’t volunteer, maybe they can send the children to a preparatory academy or something instead.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope its okay. Please review!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for sex. It’s not graphic. Like at all. I tried to avoid but you know these two. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoy! Let me know!

Sometimes Sonny misses his “old life”.

That’s what he calls it, even though the life he lives was always in his old life. He always wanted a house full of pattering feet. He always wanted someone to cry for him when they’re scared, or sick, or sad, those little whimpers of, “Daddy!”

He always wanted a steady parenting routine with someone. He always wanted a teammate, someone he could lean on and who could lean on him. He always wanted to look forward to someone coming home, and going home to someone.

He always wanted this life.

So the “old life” is a distant but appreciated memory. All those late nights in the office, chasing perps, heavy thinking through evidence and witness statements, the problem and solution, the work; it doesn’t happen the same anymore.

Now, there are late nights with agonizing ear infections; or late nights watching movies together because his partner is home and can’t bare to let the kids go to bed on time.

Now, chasing the perps is chasing down a kid or two who have stolen his cellphone, his keys, or even his coffee.

Now, heavy thinking is planning the family budget because one kid needs new shoes, one needs reading glasses, one needs a deposit for summer camp, and one is still wearing Pull-Ups; or the schedule for the week because one kid has piano, one has karate, one has basketball, and one has an appointment with a hearing specialist to make sure he’s developing the way babies do.

Now, the problems are that kids don’t always get along perfectly, or they get along too well and wreak havoc on everyone else, or his husband hasn’t been home for dinner in a few days, or they haven’t been alone in weeks. And the solutions are kids being sent to thinking chairs, and his husband ditching work for an afternoon, and begging his mom to visit and watch the kids so they can go on a much needed date.

Now, the work is literally his entire life. When at the office, he could go home. He had somewhere to return to. For many years, he had an empty apartment, an empty bed, and hardly ever any food in the fridge. Now, his duties can be done at home. His full time job is for his family.

Sonny wants it no other way.

But sometimes he misses the “old life”. He does miss police work, being a detective, and he misses putting that law degree to as much use as Rafael would let him.

He misses the thrill. Because, as thrilling as wiggly teeth and homemade games are, nothing beats arresting someone.

But he is safe now, with his babies, and his husband, and he loves it.

So, when Sister Mary informed Sonny that he would be in charge of an after-school program, he was thrilled. Taking care of a bunch of kids? Being in charge of snacks? Helping with homework? Sonny was made for that shit. Super-Dad was ready for action.

Sonny is thrilled on his first day. He has snacks planned, games planned, and is going to be able to spend the afternoon with his babies.

Sonny walks up the steps to the school with little Christian’s hand in his. Christian is still slow on stairs, but he insists on walking. Sonny thinks he likes the challenge. And challenging Sonny to bend a little bit to hold his hand.

“Hi!” Sonny hears coming up the stairs behind him. He turns slightly, seeing quickly an excited blonde lady with a huge smile. “How are you? I’m Monica, I’m in charge of the after-school program!”

“Oh, hi,” Sonny says. “Sonny Carisi. This is Christian. Can you say hi?”

Christian waves. But Monica isn’t even looking at him.

“So, you’re the DA’s husband?” Monica asks, her smile in her voice.

“Uh, yeah,” Sonny says.

“I have to introduce you to everyone else!”

Monica pulls him so quickly through the halls of the school that he has to pick Christian up to keep up. Sonny is pretty excited; in the city, he had a parent group he was friends with and whose kids were friends with his kids. Sonny liked the group, and they were great people.

But it’s quick and apparent to Sonny that this group—who is exclusively mothers, not fathers, like his other group—is excited to meet him because he’s a shiny new object. A shiny new gay object—which, for the record, isn’t even accurate—and they are women who want to fawn over gay couples. Of course, Sonny is offended, but how badly he wants to be accepted. He just answers their questions politely and is as pleasant as he can be.

Finally, the children begin filing in, so the mothers back off Sonny to take his specific group. There are about ten in a group, and Sonny has fifth graders, which means Camilla is put into a separate group with one of the excited moms.

Camilla is hardly one to be attached to her dads. She is so independent. She is so smart and strong, so it surprises Sonny when she looks at him from another table of kids with giant tears welled in her eyes.

Sonny is concerned immediately. Of course, one of his babies crying is a huge red flag.

Sonny gets Monica’s attention. “Hey, can you watch these kids for a second?”

Monica happily hops over. “Sure!” she exclaims.

“Manny, watch your brother,” Sonny instructs, pointing at Christian sitting on the seat next to Manny.

Then, Sonny rushes across the cafeteria to Camilla.

Camilla jumps out of her seat and runs to Sonny. He kneels in front of her and she wraps her scrawny arms around his neck.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?”

Camilla sniffles into his shoulder. “I’ve had a stressful day.”

Sonny holds back a laugh. “You’ve had a stressful day? What happened?”

“I couldn’t remember my eleven times tables and some kids made fun of me, ‘cause they’re so easy. And I didn’t know how to spell some words and kids laughed then, too.” Camilla sniffles again. Sonny feels moisture seeping through his shirt. “And all I wanted was to see you ‘cause I missed you and you make me feel better and they put me in a different group and I don’t wanna be in that group!”

Sonny tries to shush her, soothe her into calmness and make her feel better. He kisses her head.

“You’re okay,” Sonny says, “You’re with me now.”

Camilla squeezes his neck.

“Do you want to go home?” Sonny asks.

Camilla shakes her head. “I just wanna stay with you.”

“Let’s find out,” Sonny tells her, pulling her with him as he stands so he’s holding her in his arms.

Sad babies is not ideal. As much as he’d love to have all four of them together, Sonny would rather Camilla stay with her group and be happy. Still, he carries her over and sits her down next to Christian, who looks at his big sister with concerned eyes.

Sonny walks up to Monica. “Hey,” he asks, “Is it alright if Camilla stays with my group? She’s having a hard day.”

“Oh, that’s fine! No problem!”

“Great, thank you!”

Sonny moves to tell Camilla the good news as the other groups file out of the cafeteria to their designated assignments. The first grade group is going to play outside first, the second grade group is going to the library, and other groups are dispersing. Sonny is keeping the fifth grader group in the cafeteria to eat their snack.

The afternoon is fun after Camilla relaxes and begins to enjoy herself. Sonny loves seeing the kids interact with the other kids, loves seeing them laugh and play and help others. He hopes they aren’t just acting well behaved because he’s there; although, usually they’re terrors for him.

As Sonny is getting the kids in the car to go home, Monica yells out to him again.

“Sonny, darling, wait!”

Sonny finishes strapping Christian in, then stands from the car.

Monica has two miniature blonde versions of her following after. Sonny recognizes them from Camilla’s third grade group.

“The girls and I are getting together on Friday night. We can show you the hot spots!”

“Uh...” Sonny mutters. Sure, he had friends in New York, but he also had children, so none of them did ‘hot spots’. “I’ll be a little busy,” he says, nodding at the car full of children.

Monica waves a hand dismissively. “Have your nanny keep them.”

Sonny is confused. “Uh, I don’t have a nanny.”

Monica looks surprised. “You don’t?”

“No,” Sonny laughs. “We can’t afford one, and why? I’m home with Christian.”

Monica nods, but Sonny can tell she’s secretly judging him. “Okay...” she says, “But we still want to get to know you. How’s Thursday for lunch? Christian can join!”

“Uh, sure. That’s fine.”

“Great!” Monica takes his phone number, then she grabs the two little girls and walks away.

* * *

 

“You’re going to become a Stepford Wife?” Rafael asks when Sonny tells him about his day. Over the phone. For the third night in a row.

Rafael has a lot of work backed up, that’s what he says, and he claimed it was just easier to stay in the city, that way he could work early and late without disturbing anybody or missing a train.

Sonny didn’t understand how not being in the same house as the kids was easier than seeing them for a short time in the morning, but he knew Rafael, and Rafael would find a hard time leaving them every day. He knew Rafael felt guilty every time he left, even though he needed to. Even in their New York apartment he felt terrible leaving them.

So, Rafael booked a hotel in the city. Nothing fancy, but it wasn’t home.

Home, which still had holes in walls and a heating unit that only hit half of the house. Luckily, heat hit Sonny and Rafael’s bedroom; and the king bed was assembled, and four little kids fit with one tall dad in the bed perfectly.

In short, home was still incomplete, and never complete without Rafael, but it was getting there.

So, Rafael is on the phone and disappointingly not in person, but still making fun of Sonny.

“You’re missing the point that I made friends.”

“As long as you have my dinner on the table when I get home,” Rafael jokes.

Sonny knows he’s joking, which prompts him to reply, “Hey, if you ever come home, I will.”

Rafael scoffs, “Where are the kids?” Rafael asks.

“You’re diverting.”

“I’m not,” Rafael replies. “Where are they?”

“Upstairs. Unpacking the last of the twins’ room.”

“Want to have phone sex?”

Sonny laughs. “Uh, I’m in the kitchen.” He shifts the phone against his shoulder, where he’s holding it to cut apples for the kids’ lunches.

“But I’m in a lonely hotel room, in a big, cozy bed, all by myself.”

“You could come home.”

Rafael groans as if in pain. If he’s half as heart-sick as Sonny is, Sonny understands the pain.

Sonny glances around the corner from the kitchen to the living room. It is still kid free.

“What are you wearing?” he mumbles into the phone.

“Nothing,” Rafael coyly states.

“Liar,” Sonny says playfully.

“Fine,” Rafael concedes. “I’m still wearing pants and my undershirt.”

“Mmm,” Sonny sighs, imagining Rafael less than perfect buttoned down. His hair is probably a mess. After a full work day, he probably smells like himself.

“I could take it off,” Rafael says.

Sonny bites his lip, imagining Rafael, strong and solid, lifting his shirt over his head, stretching under Sonny’s gaze until he relaxes and his belly falls a little bit over the waistline of his pants. He imagines gripping Rafael’s belt, tugging Rafael closer, until they’re chest to chest, when he can wrap his arms around Rafael’s neck.

“Why don’t you just rub your—“

There’s a crash.

“Daddy!”

Sonny sighs in frustration. “Is anyone bleeding?!” he yells up at the ceiling.

“No! But—“

“I’ll be there in a second!”

Rafael is laughing into the phone. “I’m not getting any, am I?”

“The internet is free,” Sonny jokes.

“I want you. Even if it’s just your voice.”

“Come home and you can have me. All of me. As many times as you want.”

“Need,” Rafael corrects, and Sonny feels it, too. He desperately needs Rafael.

“Daddy!” is yelled shrilly through the house again.

“I’d better go make sure nobody is, y’know, broken or something.”

“I miss you, baby.”

Rafael’s tone is serious. Not playful, as it had just been, or sweet. He is as serious as he ever is in court.

“I miss you too, Rafi,” Sonny says back, meaning it completely.

“I’m...we’re...” Rafael sighs. “Everything is okay, right?”

Rafael has doubts almost constantly, and Sonny knows that. Is he doing enough, is he around enough, is he enough for Sonny and the kids?

The answer is always a solid yes.

So Sonny answers, “Yes.”

“You’re sure?”

Sonny pushes the door to the twins’ bedroom open. All children are sitting patiently on Javy’s bed, shards of a ceramic lamp scattered on the floor below their feet. Nobody is bleeding, or hurt, which Sonny is relieved by, but there’s still sharp ceramic bits all over the floor.

“Am I sure right at this moment? No. Someone,” Sonny emphasizes that, glaring at all four children, “Broke Javy’s whale lamp.”

The kids keep their mouths shut; they just stare at Sonny with giant, worried eyes.

“Hey, Raf, I gotta go clean this up. Maybe if someone talks, they can FaceTime you later.”

Each kids eagerly sits up, seemingly ready to rat out their guilty sibling, and Sonny almost laughs.

“Okay, amor,” Rafael says. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Sonny replies, then hangs up and shoves his phone into his pocket.

All at once, the older kids begin telling the tale.

“We had a ball, and Camilla kicked it—“

“Javy kicked it—“

“Manny threw it—“

“Christian hit it—“

Sonny glares at them for that one. “Yeah, right.”

In the end, as Sonny cleans it all up, the story is agreed upon that it was an accident. But, of course, Sonny wasn’t going to keep them from talking to Rafael anyway, so they get to call Rafael as Sonny finishes making dinner.

* * *

Sonny nearly jumps out of bed when the sound of the front door opening wakes him from sleep. A few nights ago, the wind had pushed the door open, slamming it against the entryway wall. Luckily, Sonny had heard it then as he does now, except this time, it opens gently and closes again.

Sonny climbs out of bed, equally afraid and confused. He grabs his cellphone from his bedside table, turns on the flashlight, and tiptoes out of his bedroom, leaving the kids sleeping soundly in the bed.

Sonny heads for the front door, as silently as he can, hoping not to catch a burglar or worse.

There is a figure. Taking off his coat by the front door.

Sonny shines his light over.

Rafael jumps back in surprise.

“Dios mio, Sonny!”

“Oh I’m sorry, did I scare you in the middle of the night?!”

Rafael laughs. Sonny missed it so much.

Rafael was only gone for a few days, but it was too long. When Rafael smiles, Sonny lunges at him, wrapping his arms tight around Rafael’s neck as Rafael’s arms fit rightly around his waist.

“What are you doing here? What time is it?”

“It’s just after eleven,” Rafael says. “If you checked your phone, you’d have gotten my texts saying to wait for me, I’m bringing shitty Chinese food from that place you like by the old apartment.”

Sonny untangles his arms from around Rafael. He grips Rafael’s face with his hand.

“I usually find you pretty desirable, but holding shitty Chinese food? You’re freakin’ irresistible.”

He kisses Rafael soundly on the lips. It feels like heaven.

Rafael pulls away from Sonny first. Sonny chases his lips hungrily.

“W-wait,” Rafael whispers, breathless. “Dinner or dessert first?”

“What do you have for dessert?”

“Nothing.”

Sonny grins. He dives back in for another kiss.

It’s short seconds before Sonny backs Rafael against the wall. As the bag of food falls from Rafael’s grip, Sonny loosens the knot on his tie and begins to unbutton his shirt.

“Wait,” Sonny mumbles, pulling away suddenly. “You weren’t dressed when we talked earlier.”

“I went back to the office. Finished enough work to come home and not return to Manhattan for, oh...three days.”

Sonny smiles as widely as he can. “You’re off for three days?!”

“Well, I can work from here. But I’m all yours. Well, a fifth of me is yours.”

Sonny smiles impossibly wider. He bites at Rafael’s lip and yanks on his tie.

“Come on, then.”

“Gladly,” Rafael replies, following Sonny through the house.

Sonny drags Rafael all the way to their bedroom before he remembers there are babies in their bed.

“Wait,” Sonny whispers as Rafael presses up closely behind him. “The kids are in our bed.”

Rafael groans. He mouths at the back of Sonny’s neck. “Let’s take them upstairs...”

“They’ll wake up,” Sonny warns. He’s willing to get down and dirty with Rafael anywhere at this point, so he gets an idea. He takes Rafael’s hand. “Come on.”

The laundry room is packed with boxes of linens and clothes that Sonny wanted to wash before unpacking them in the kids’ closets. So, on the hardwood, Sonny throws down a stack of towels and sheets, then pulls Rafael down onto the makeshift mattress.

“It’s not ideal—“

Rafael climbs between Sonny’s legs. “I don’t even care.”

Sonny chuckles and yanks Rafael into a kiss.

The next minutes are a blur of orgasmic bliss. Sonny, spread out of the sheets, fingers digging into Rafael’s hair, howling out without a care in the world because the door is shut tight and they’re in the opposite side of the house then the sleeping beauties. Rafael, desperate to come, holding Sonny down and pounding hard into him to achieve his goal.

Sonny wants more, so much more, but he’s too wound up to care about coming too quickly; he finishes yelling Rafael’s name and digging nails down his back. Rafael hisses and amps up his thrusts, following Sonny only seconds later.

Afterwards, laying side by side on the laundry room floor, in almost complete darkness, covered by a lone sheet, the men can’t help but giggle helplessly into each other’s calming mouths.

Sonny asks, “Remember in college, when you’d sneak around for sex when your roommate was out?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I did nothing but study when I was in college.”

“Oh, you were the roommate who was oblivious to their roommate fucking in their bed?”

“You didn’t do that,” Rafael laughs.

“And you weren’t celibate at Harvard, who are you trying to fool?”

Rafael laughs again.

Sonny squeezes him. “God, I missed you.”

Rafael kisses his bare shoulder. “You have no idea.”

Sonny kisses Rafael’s head where he can reach.

They talk and laugh for a few more minutes, until Rafael’s stomach growls loudly between them.

“What?” Rafael asks when Sonny laughs. “I haven’t had a home cooked meal in days.”

“My poor baby,” Sonny jokes, then he shakily stands and works to get Rafael to follow.

They make a feast of their own, Sonny eating warmed-up Chinese food and Rafael eating some of the pasta Sonny had made for dinner. They sit at the dining table, both only wrapped in sheets, talking and laughing some more between bites.

Finally, when their meal is finished and neither can keep their eyes awake, they make their way back to the bedroom.

“Wait,” Rafael seems to realize first. “Where are we supposed to sleep?”

Sonny frowns. “Ugh, great. How about—“

“Air mattress?” Rafael asks.

Sonny nods.

However, after they dress, and once the mattress is blown up and situated next to their bed, they carefully move the older three kids onto it one by one. Baby Christian is left to sleep between his fathers.

“I can’t believe you came home,” Sonny whispers into the darkness before sleep overcomes him.

“I needed to see you.”

Sonny reaches over and strokes his arm. His eyes drift shut to the thought of his babies waking up in the morning, and the looks that will be on their faces when they realize their daddy is home.

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

Rafael loves his children more than anything. More than life itself. More than the sun and the moon and his Abuela’s Cuban food. He loves their perfect little faces, their perfect little hands and feet and bellies and wobbly knees. He loves them each individually and together and completely.

But sometimes...

Only sometimes...

And it’s okay...

Rafael is only human...

He cannot stand the sound of their voices.

Love in his heart at all times, appreciation for their attention and affection, sometimes Rafael needs peace and quiet. Sometimes there’s too much chatter, too loud of laughter, and Rafael gets distracted halfway through thoughts and can’t read or write or do any work whatsoever.

And Sonny is too chattery, too. That’s where the kids get it from. Rafael is content with silence, his own thoughts. Christian is his perfect companion. But Sonny talks too much, so the older three kids talk too much, and Rafael goes crazy.

So, a day and a half into being off for three days, and a kids’ afternoon off, Rafael decides he can’t get any work done. The door to his study has yet to be installed, and of course since he’s home, the kids won’t leave him alone. Not even Sonny will leave him alone. And his mother-in-law has joined the family, so not even she will leave him alone. And various workers are roaming the house finishing everything up.

Rafael is going crazy.

Sonny enters the room for the fourth time in less than ten minutes, and this time he has a fresh mug of coffee.

“Here you go, babe,” Sonny says, setting the new mug down.

“Thanks,” Rafael mumbles, staring at his computer screen.

Standing behind Rafael, Sonny has one hand on Rafael’s shoulder and moves the other hand to slide through Rafael’s hair. Rafael, despite himself, jerks away from Sonny’s touch.

Sonny’s hand drops. He sounds like a kicked puppy when he starts, “Sorry, I—“

Rafael frowns. He glances over his shoulder at Sonny. “I’m sorry, Sonny, I just really need to get some work done.”

Sonny nods, but he still looks defeated. “Okay,” is all he says before sulking out of the room.

Rafael groans and leans back in his seat. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Sonny, but he really needed to work.

* * *

 

Sonny wanders back into the kitchen with his face fallen into a huge frown. Camilla and Manny run through his legs, feet pounding loudly against the hardwood, and once they catch Javy around the corner in the living room, all three scream loudly and it echoes through the downstairs.

No wonder Rafael was so short with him. Between the kids, his mother’s endless chatter, and all the construction going on through the house, Sonny can’t even hear his own thoughts.

“What’s wrong?” Deb pauses in her story to ask.

Sonny shrugs. “Rafi’s trying to get some work done and it’s impossible in this house. I just feel bad.”

“He’s the one who came home,” Deb points out. She is standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes for Sonny, and she looks up out the window.

Sonny hadn’t noticed kids screeching through the house had paused until Deb mutters, “Are they supposed to be outside?”

Sonny looks up quickly. Sure enough, the three older kids are running outside, in fresh fallen snow, without jackets on. It looks as though their game of tag had just led them through an open door, but they’re still bound to get wet and sick.

Sonny rushes to the back door. “Hey!” he shouts to the three. “Get in here!”

The three rush up to the back door and look guilty.

“Sorry, Dad,” they all say, filing into the house before Sonny.

“What were you thinking? You can’t just go out there without coats! And—Javy, you’re not even wearing shoes?! Oh my gosh. Hot bath, now.”

“But Dad—“

“Javier!” Sonny cuts.

Javy looks defeated as he turns to march upstairs.

Sonny instructs the other two to change their clothes and find Christian. As he is walking back to the kitchen to help Deb, he hears, “Sonny!” coming from Rafael’s office. Followed immediately after that is screaming.

Sonny rushes into the room expecting to see someone hurt. Instead, Rafael is standing in the middle of the room, baby Christian locked in his arms throwing a tantrum to end all tantrums. He’s kicking and punching, but Rafael’s got his arms around him pretty tight and Christian can’t move.

“What happened?” Sonny asks.

“Someone’s noticed he can climb the bookshelves! Now, all he has to do is relax and I’ll let him go!”

Christian kicks harder. “No!”

Sonny and Rafael look at each other in shock. Christian hardly ever says words, and now there was a clear and vivid ‘no’. Still, he’s throwing a fit, so they can’t just excuse his behavior.

“Ssshhh,” Rafael whispers into Christian’s hair, swaying him back and forth to soothe. “I just don’t want you climbing on the bookshelves! It’s not safe! You could get hurt!”

Christian continues crying, but he stops kicking and punching. After a few more minutes of Rafael’s soft shushing and bouncing, Christian’s screams turn into soft hiccups. Sonny just stands back, waiting for his turn to step in.

“Are you done?” Rafael asks the little boy.

Christian takes a deep, shaky breath. He nods.

“Good,” Rafael says, “Dad’s going to take you upstairs to think about this, okay?”

They send the older kids to specific spots in the house to ‘think about their actions’. It’s a nicer way to say ‘time-out’. But for baby Christian, usually his thinking time is the five minutes it takes for him to fall asleep after throwing a fit.

Still trying to catch his breath, Christian dives into Sonny’s arms. Sonny cradles him close, lays Christian’s head on his shoulder, then glances at Rafael. He looks fed up.

Sonny quickly takes Christian upstairs, lays him down in his bed, then looks for the older kids to tell them to leave Christian alone.

He finds Javy and Manny taking a very bubbly bath, and Camilla downstairs helping her grandmother with the dishes that Sonny is supposed to be helping with.

“What happened?” Deb asks.

“Christian was trying to climb up the bookshelves,” Sonny explains. He runs a hand through his hair. “Rafi’s pretty fed up.”

“Send him back to the city.”

“What?” Sonny asks.

Deb waves a hand. “Let him go get his work done at the hotel again. He’ll be back by this weekend, right? That’s just a few more days. At least until everything here settles down.”

Sonny’s almost drowned out the noise. He’s been surrounded by construction and workers for weeks, he’s used to it. Rafael’s only been around it a handful of times, including these past few days he’s been home. It doesn’t help that the kids are home.

Sonny accepts his mother’s advice. He thinks it might be better to let Rafael go, get his stuff done, and return when things have calmed.

Sonny walks into the study feeling bad about the decision. But before he can say anything, he sees Rafael talking away intensely on the phone.

“Yeah, yes, of course. I’ll be there, Georgie.”

Georgie Howard is the mayor; Sonny is surprised Rafael is talking to her. Where is he going?

“The house?” Rafael asks next. “It’s going well, thank you for asking. We’ll have to have you and Paul over when it’s complete. Of course. Okay, ma’am, see you soon.”

Rafael slowly hangs up.

“What’s going on?” Sonny asks.

“An ADA was murdered last night. I’ve got to go.”

Sonny is shocked. “What? Who?”

“Georgie couldn’t say. It’s all very hush-hush.”

“Do you think it has anything to do with that John guy?”

Rafael shrugs. “I don’t know. I just have to go.”

Sonny nods. “Okay.”

Rafael begins packing up his papers and laptop in his work bag. Sonny feels slightly less guilty. He was planning on sending Rafael to get some work done, and now he doesn’t have to be the one to send Rafael.

Rafael finishes packing up and looks at Sonny. He’s the one who looks guilty now. Sonny almost wants to smile at it.

“I’m sorry, amorcito,” Rafael says.

“I understand,” Sonny plays it off.

Rafael frowns as he steps up to Sonny. “I really am sorry.”

Sonny wraps his arms around Rafael’s neck. He can’t let Rafael feel guilty forever.

“Rafi, it’s really fine. I understand. And when you get back, the house should be done.”

“Thank goodness,” Rafael says. He kisses Sonny’s neck.

Sonny chuckles. “I agree. My ma will be here for a while, maybe I’ll meet you in the city one night.”

Rafael squeezes him. “I’d love that.”

Sonny kisses his head. “I love you. Go save the world.”

“That’s you, my love.”

Sonny snorts. “Yeah, ri—“

Rafael pulls back to look at Sonny’s face. “You save my world. I love you.”

Sonny’s heart bursts. “I love you too,” he says, then kisses Rafael soundly on the lips.

Rafael packs up some clothes and takes a while to say goodbye to the kids before his cab arrives. Sonny knows he won’t be gone forever, but with such a strange crisis Rafael is going to tend to, Sonny feels uneasy about him going.

But of course, Rafael has to go. He doesn’t have a choice. And he’ll only be a train ride away.

Sonny, with Camilla sad in his arms, waves goodbye to his husband, sending him off to the unknown work he is due to endure.

* * *

 

On Thursday morning, Sonny gets a text from an unknown number.

(X): Hi Sonny! This is Monica! I was just inviting you again to lunch with the girls today!

Sonny frowns. He forgot about lunch with Monica and her group. He’s just been worrying about Rafael.

Before he can text back to deny the invitation, his phone pings again with another text.

(maybe: Monica): Please say yes!

Sonny sighs. It could take his mind off things. And his mom is still there so she can keep Christian.

He texts back that he’ll meet her at the restaurant at noon, then he rushes to get his last minute chores finished before he takes a shower.

* * *

 

Sonny forgets how overwhelming adults are.

Children in the after-school program? Sonny can stand a few hours with them. They’re fun, and funny, and easy to talk to.

Adults? Not so much.

Especially new adults.

Especially new adults who have to get to know everything about you.

Especially adults who look, act, and each sound exactly the same. Rafael wasn’t wrong when he joked about ‘stepford wives’.

In the first twenty minutes Sonny is there, he’s in agony. They’re too loud, too much, and he wants to fake an emergency so he can leave.

But, something tells him to stay. The mimosa Monica slides in front of him surely helps.

“I usually don’t drink during the day,” Sonny tells the truth, drinking half the mimosa, which does not have much orange juice in it, in one go.

“It’s a kid free day,” Monica says. “Where is Christian?”

“My ma’s stayin’ with us for a few days. He’s helpin’ grandma around the house.”

“How sweet!” Monica says. “I still can’t believe you do it all on your own.”

“Well, not on my own—“

Rebecca, another woman, chimes in. “Do you not have a nanny?”

Sonny shakes his head.

Suddenly, the conversation around the table shifts to this topic. They’re astounded Sonny doesn’t have a nanny, ‘especially having so many kids’, they say. Each mother in presence has two kids only, which Sonny finds very odd, and they have a full time nanny.

Another drink is placed in front of Sonny when the questions begin.

“Who picks the kids up from school?” Ashley asks.

“I do.”

“Who makes dinner?” Rebecca asks.

“I do.”

“Who does the laundry?” Sarah asks.

“I do.”

There are dozens of questions like this, and Sonny answers honestly and the least complicated he can. The truth is that if Rafael is home, they do it together. He cooks too, he does laundry too, he gives the kids baths too. But the women aren’t interested in hearing that.

“I wish my husband would help out around the house,” Candace comments.

Sonny wants to argue that it doesn’t sound like any of them do help around the house, but soon their food arrives so they’re momentarily distracted.

“You’re like a super dad,” Sarah says across the table once the waitress is gone.

Monica grins at Sonny. “Nothing’s hotter than a husband who pulls his weight.”

Sonny downs the last of his third drink before he takes a bite of his salad that he didn’t really want.

“At least you don’t have to worry about him cheating with the nanny,” Candace says.

“Again?” Rebecca asks her.

“Third one this year,” Candace confirms.

Sonny is so confused. Her husband is cheating with a nanny? And she’s nonchalant about it.

“Why don’t you leave him?” Sonny blurts. It’s the alcohol.

Candace laughs. “Money, honey.”

“Sue him.”

Candace shakes her head. “My lawyer is his friend. He wouldn’t get me anything.”

Sonny will never know why he says this, but he answers, “I’m a lawyer.”

All of the women at the table look at him.

“You are?” Rebecca asks.

Sonny nods. “I mean, I haven’t done law in...well, ever. I was a cop, but I went through law school and passed the bar. By the time I thought I’d retire to do law, we had the twins.”

Monica is looking at Sonny dreamily. “What can’t you do?”

Sonny swallows down the last of another mimosa.

By the end of lunch, which consisted of a tiny salad and six mimosas, the women are each talking to Sonny about their legal troubles and what they should do about it. Plus, they’re fawning all over Sonny for being ‘the total package’. Sonny feels bolstered by the praise, and confident that he is giving them the correct advice.

Sonny made the mistake of driving himself to lunch, so he has to order an Uber to go home, then he’ll figure it out later.

Waiting for the car, he calls Rafael.

“Hello?” Rafael answers, sounding distracted already.

“Hey, lover.”

Rafael snorts. “Lover?”

“That’s right, you’re my lover, my baby daddy, and my bread winner.”

Rafael sounds like he forces a laugh. “I’m okay with one of those terms, most of the time. What are you doing?”

“I was at lunch with the girls.”

“The girls? What girls?”

“Monica and her friends! They liked me!”

“Are you drunk?” Rafael finally asks, sounding amused.

“Yeah,” Sonny answers. “I had a few mimosas. But Rafi, they liked me! I told them to leave their husbands!”

“Wait, what?”

“No, wait, I told Candace to. And Ashley needed help with her plastic surgeon, and Rebecca needed to sue her neighbor, and—“

“You gave them...legal advice?”

“Well, yeah. I am a lawyer.”

“Sonny,” Rafael says, “You’re actually not. You can’t just go around giving people legal advice.”

“Relax Rafi, it was lunch.”

“No, Sonny, listen. You’re not a lawyer. You can’t do that. Listen to me.”

“What, I always gotta listen to you, huh?”

“What?” Rafael asks.

Sonny knows he’s just swinging his mood because he’s drunk. He usually wouldn’t be so defensive, or say anything so dumb, but Rafael is upsetting him. It’s really not a big deal. It’s not as though Sonny was going to court and charging a fee.

“You’re the man so I gotta listen to you.”

“Sonny, that doesn’t make any sense. You’re a man, too. I listen to you, too.”

“Oh yeah, huh? Like when I let you take off to the city. Like Rebecca’s husband’s business trips? You’re a train away, Rafael. Why can’t you just stay home? You wanna get away from us?”

“Do you hear yourself? Do you hear how stupid you are being?”

“Don’t call me stupid.”

“You know what? I can’t talk right now.”

“Yeah, just run away.”

“When have I ever—“

Sonny’s just made himself mad. Instead of fighting any more, Sonny mutters a goodbye and hangs up. Luckily, his car arrives, so he slides in the backseat and quietly rides home.

* * *

 

“Jesus, what happened to you?”

Sonny drags his feet into the living room and flops on the couch.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” he tells Deb. “Can you get me some Tylenol, please?”

Sonny had enough time on his ride to sober up and get a stress headache. He’d never been so stupid to Rafael before, picking a fight over nothing. And it was nothing. Sonny knows Rafael needs to be in the city now.

Deb returns to the living room. She hands Sonny two Tylenol and a glass of water.

“So?” Deb asks.

Sonny feels like the little kid who accidentally got gum in Bella’s hair again.

“I fought with Rafi.”

“Uh-huh. Was this before or after getting too drunk to drive your car home?”

Sonny looks at her. “How did you know that?”

“That husband of yours never stops taking care of you. I’ll go get the car in a few minutes. Now, tell me why you fought with Rafi.”

Sonny sighs. “I don’t know. He was telling me I can’t give people legal advice, which, I know, like, I’m not a lawyer. I know that. But he’s never, like...reminded me of that before. I just felt stupid, inferior. I just realized he’s there being awesome, and I’m—“

“Holding your entire family together,” Deb responds. “Raising his beautiful children? Making his home a home?”

“Yeah, but—“

“Your job is just as important to his life as his is to his life. And so what if he gets mad at you giving out legal advice? Sonny, you’re a smart man. Saying a few words is useful.”

Sonny runs a hand through his hair. “I know.”

“Sure, picking a fight with your husband is stupid. Drinking so much is stupid. But it’s done, it’s over, and now you can move on.” Deb stands and grabs her purse off the table next to Sonny.

“I can’t take back what I said.”

Deb leans over and kisses his head. “Then just apologize. Christian’s napping, I’ll have the heating guy drive me back into town. You rest.”

Sonny nods. Deb leaves him in the living room with a still throbbing headache.

Since Sonny doesn’t know how much time he’ll have to rest before Christian wakes, he decides to sleep off his headache before calling Rafael. And, this way, he can think of the best things to say.

* * *

 

Sonny paces the floor in the study as he tries to gain the courage to call Rafael. All he needs to do is apologize. Apologize for getting defensive and saying stupid things. And maybe Rafael can apologize, too. Or he won’t. Either way, Sonny wants to move on from feeling guilty.

Finally, he decides he can’t avoid, so he calls Rafael.

“Hello?” Rafael answers on the third ring.

“Hey, baby.”

“How are you feeling?” Rafael asks, clearly unaffected by the pet name.

“Better. How are you?”

“I’m alright.”

Sonny swallows his nerves and continues. “Listen, Rafi, I’m sorry for earlier. I was being stupid.”

“Sonny, if that’s all how you feel—“

“It’s not. You know me, I just say things.”

“But you mean them.”

Sonny sighs. “Look, okay, sometimes I feel like I don’t do enough, like you’re the one taking care of everyone and I’m not contributing. And the ladies, they’re all like, ‘My husband makes the money’, you know? And that just got to me.”

“Sonny, that’s—“

“I know, I know. I’m here with the kids. But I’m not at work, I’m not making money for us.”

“Do you think I’m better than you because I make money?”

“Well—“

“Because that’s so not true. And such a 1950’s way of thinking. Every stay-at-home parent is just as hardworking and important as the one who goes to work. Just because you’re a man who stays home, that doesn’t change.”

“I know.”

“You do more for our family than I could ever hope to.”

“Now who’s sayin’ stupid shit?” Sonny jokes.

Rafael chuckles. “And I want you to have friends Sonny. And I didn’t even hear you out on what you were giving them advice on. Of course you know what you’re doing, okay? I know. I was being stupid, too.”

“You were,” Sonny admits.

Rafael laughs. “So, I’m sorry. I’ll try harder to listen.”

“I’ll try to hold my liquor at lunch.”

“Seriously, what did you even drink?”

“Just mimosas! I’ve lost my drinking abilities in my old age.”

“Me too. I had two scotches last night and I almost called you crying because I miss you so much.”

“Aww, Rafi, you miss me?”

“Of course I do. I want to be home soon. I’m trying.”

“Are you being safe?”

“Yeah. Maria’s following me around again.”

“Aw, Camilla will be so jealous.”

Rafael laughs. Sonny follows.

When they calm, there’s a moment of silence. Sonny wants to say so much, something meaningful, but all he can settle on is the most simple thing he knows to say.

“Hey, Rafi? I love you.”

“I love you too, baby.”

Sonny feels it in his core. He always does when Rafael says it. Every time Rafael says it, it’s like the first time. Sonny feels the thrill, the meaning behind the words, the spark. He doubts that feeling will ever go away.

They stay on the phone for a few minutes before Rafael needs to return to work. Then, Sonny goes back to the children to finish helping with homework before they start dinner together. 


	8. Chapter 8

Sonny never imagined a long-distance relationship would last into marriage. He especially never thought it’d happen so late in marriage. Maybe early on, had Sonny taken the transfer back to Staten Island that he was looking at right before they got married, but not twelve years later when they’re in a happy and secure marriage with four kids.

But Rafael is still stuck in the city most of the time, and Sonny can be nothing but supportive.

Out loud.

Out loud, he tells Rafael, “Of course we’re okay. You’re making us proud. Do your best work!”

In his head, he says, “I really wish you were here. Christian says ‘Daddy’ all the time now. He likes two syllable words, so the kids are trying to get him to say, ‘Manny, Javy, and Milla’. Manny and Javy are killin’ it in school, Camilla has nothing on her mind but basketball, but I really need you. You need to see them every day. They need to see you.”

Rafael is working himself to death, though, so Sonny can’t say much about needing him at home. It would only make Rafael feel worse, on top of his constant headache and near caffeine addiction. Rafael complains about his stomach aching every day and Sonny knows it’s because he’s not eating right. Rafael’s not getting enough sleep or exercise, and, if Sonny’s honest, Rafael’s not getting laid. That’s half of his problem. That’s Sonny’s problem, at least.

Not there would likely be much sex, even if Rafael was home. With the kids still believing the house is haunted, Sonny has one or more in his bed usually every night. They freak out over every little sound, every swoosh of wind or screech of floorboards. Sonny doesn’t know how they got the idea of haunting in their heads, but they won’t let it go.

It’s a shame, too, because the winter is Sonny’s favorite time to have Rafael to himself, for many reasons.

First of all, Rafael doesn’t like being out past the sun going down. In the winter, he always rushes home from work to avoid the coldest parts of the day. Sonny gets more of him, and they have evenings cuddled up with the kids.

Second, Rafael is like Sonny’s own personal little space heater. With more body fat and muscle than Sonny, and that Cuban blood, Rafael is constantly warm. Except his cute little nose. That, Sonny loves pecking with kisses over and over.

Rafael’s constant heat leads to the third reason why Sonny loves having Rafael to himself during the winter: cuddling close together on freezing cold nights. Things happen. Beautiful things. Hot things.

But Rafael is not around for any of that. Sonny only hopes he’ll make it home on time to help with Christmas. It’s two weeks until Christmas, but luckily the kids finish school only a few days before, because that gives Sonny a lot of time to get stuff done alone.

Sonny still needs Rafael home. They still haven’t put up a tree. They’ve barely put up any decorations. They haven’t done any Christmas baking like they usually do. It’s been a slow and boring December. Rafael has only been home once, for the twins’ birthday.

Sonny keeps himself busy.

He spends a lot of time at the kids’ school, a lot of time on housework, and a lot of time with his new friends, who Rafael “lovingly” still refers to as the ‘Stepford Wives’.

Sonny meets with the women almost every day, sometimes twice; once in the morning or afternoon for coffee or lunch, then in the afternoon at the school. Sometimes they have dinner. But they’re together very often.

Sonny enjoys them. He grows to like having adult friends, he grows comfortable enough have good conversations with them. He likes that his mom is still at the house, and she keeps Christian when he leaves.

Rafael does not like that Sonny leaves Christian, even if it is with his mother. Not that Rafael ever says the words, but Sonny can tell. Sonny can tell when Rafael gets quiet and annoyed when Sonny tells him about the talks with the ladies. Sonny can tell when Rafael rolls his eyes over FaceTime. But Sonny thinks he’s allowed to have friends.

Today, Sonny is leaving Christian with his mother to meet the ladies at a fancy new coffee shop that just opened last week.

“Are you sure you need to meet them again?” Deb asks as Sonny is pulling on his coat.

“What?” Sonny asks. “You gonna bother me about it, too?”

“I’m not bothering you,” Deb says, “but don’t you think Christian would enjoy a day with you?”

“I’m with him all the time,” Sonny argues, leaning in to kiss the boy’s cheek. “You’re probably sick of me, huh, pal? I love you.”

Deb ticks.

“What?” Sonny asks her, seriously this time.

“You act different, that’s all.”

Sonny snorts. “Now you do sound like—“

“Because he has a point,” Deb says.

Sonny rolls his eyes. “Alright. You two can gang up on me later. I’ll remind you that he’s not here either.”

Sonny steps up to the front door, ready to go, but he hears his mother mutter, “He’s not going to have coffee with his friends.” Sonny pushes down guilt and leaves the house.

* * *

 

Deb glares at her one and only son until he pulls the door shut tight. For being one of her greatest gifts, he drives her crazy sometimes.

She thought that would go away into his adulthood, after he left home. But his growing brought new challenges and new ways for him to drive her crazy. Namely, at this time, these new friends of his.

She hasn’t met the women, but she doesn’t trust them. To Deb, the group sounds like fake women you see on television, with fake hair and fake lives.

And, another thing Deb never saw coming into Sonny’s adulthood, she believes the women are a bad influence on Sonny. They cheat on their husbands and don’t trust them instead, they don’t work and spend all of their time going out, they do nothing for their own children and instead rely on the nanny, and they seem to live glamorous lives.

Deb is afraid Sonny is seeing that. It’s already starting, by Sonny leaving Christian with her while he goes out with his friends. How long until he goes to clubs at night with the women, or actually hires a nanny? That will be the final straw for Deb.

Deb knows Rafael sees it, and she knows Rafael agrees with her. She knows Rafael’s concern when, over the phone, Sonny insists, “Well, my mom is here.” when Rafael undoubtedly asks why he left Christian to see his friends. Deb knows Rafael’s almost fed up with it too, especially each week when the women convince Sonny to add something extravagant to the house, or to order something ridiculous for dinner instead of making a hardy meal like usual, or when Sonny drops the slang he’s picked up.

But Deb says nothing, because Sonny is grown and can make his own decisions.

She just hopes Rafael will say something soon.

After the front door is shut, Deb bounces Christian on her hip.

“You’ve got me, Christian James. Can you say Grammy?”

Christian blinks at her confusedly.

Deb just kisses his forehead. “We’ll try again later,” she says, then takes him into the kitchen for a snack.

* * *

 

Sonny watches Candace pour glasses of champagne, glad he opted to leave the car with his mom and order a Lyft to get to coffee, because coffee turned into brunch, which turned into Candace ordering champagne as soon as they walked through the door.

“Ladies!” Candace announces, “And gentleman. We are celebrating!”

Each woman gladly takes a glass. Sonny is more skeptical.

“What are we celebrating?” Sonny asks, taking his offered glass.

Candace almost squeals with excitement. “I took all of Sonny’s advice and I’m leaving Jeff!”

“What!” is collectively exclaimed around the table.

Sonny is shocked, and he feels bad. Sure, Candace deserves to know her worth and to be happy, but they have kids. What has he done?

“Really?” Sonny asks.

“Yes! All thanks to your advice, Sonny!”

Sonny gulps. He must look guilty because Candace grasps his forearm.

“This is a good thing, Sonny! I got a new lawyer, I’ll get what I deserve. No more Jeff!”

The women raise their glasses. “No more Jeff!” they all cry.

Sonny downs half of his glass when the women do, sick to his stomach.

“We should celebrate,” Monica announces. “Let’s go out Friday night! Find Candace a new man!”

The women all agree. They each look at Sonny for confirmation of his joining.

“Friday...” Sonny sighs. He was hoping to put the tree up with the kids on Friday night. He glances around the table, looking for his excuse.

“Come on, Sonny,” Candace says, “None of this would be possible without you! Come out with us, my treat. As a thank you!”

“Well...”

“Is Rafael still gone?” Monica asks.

“Well, yeah.”

Rebecca rolls her eyes. “What, he can be gone and you can’t do anything you want?”

“It’s not like he’s on vacation,” Sonny defends Rafael.

“Neither are you,” Sarah adds. She digs in her purse and takes out a business card. “Here, borrow my nanny for the night. She’s great, you won’t regret it.”

Sonny skeptically takes the card.

“I still don’t understand why you haven’t hired your own nanny,” Monica says. “It’s barbaric. Why does Rafael expect you to do all the work?”

In truth, Rafael doesn’t expect Sonny to do anything. Sonny wants to do it all. But he doesn’t argue with the ladies.

“I was going to put the Christmas tree up with the kids on Friday night,” Sonny says.

“It’ll still be there on Saturday,” Monica says, looking at Sonny with big, puppy-dog eyes. “Please?”

Sonny cracks. “Okay,” he mutters. “Only a few drinks.”

The women cheer.

“Another round!” Candace exclaims, draining the last of the champagne in everyone’s glass and motioning for the waiter to return with another bottle.

Sonny just drinks silently, stomach turning with guilt, but reasoning with himself that the tree will be there Saturday, and it isn’t like Rafael’s there this year either. He’ll make it up to their kids.

It’ll all be fine, Sonny tells himself, as he gets a little buzzed on flowing champagne. Soon, he feels loose enough to forget about the inner struggle and instead have fun with his friends.

* * *

 

Rafael is mad.

He can’t stop Sonny from going out with his friends, but he can voice his grievances.

“I appreciate that you waited until fifteen minutes before you leave to tell me you’re going out,” Rafael sarcastically comments over the phone.

“It’s not like I kept it from you. I said we were going out to celebrate.”

“I assumed you meant for your usual lunch dates.”

“It’s not my fault that you assumed.”

Rafael scoffs. “It’s not my fault you didn’t tell me the truth.”

“What are you so mad about anyway?” Sonny asks. “You’re not even here. This isn’t about you.”

“Sorry, I thought since we’ve been sharing a life for twelve years, I had the right to know when you leave our children with a stranger. Also, I’d appreciate hearing that news from you and not your mother.”

“That’s not my f—“

“It is your fault, Sonny. You’re my husband, my partner, we need to talk.”

“I know this is just about me hanging out with them,” Sonny says. “Why don’t you like them? You have friends.”

Rafael snaps, “Because you—“ but he cuts himself off. It’s not worth fighting about. Sonny is a grown man.

“Because I, what? Because I should be the one home with our kids? Because I should be making dinner and making our home and—“

“Dios mio,” Rafael mutters. “No, that’s not why, you tontito. It’s because you’re different around them! You act like them! And I think it’s only a matter of time before you do something stupid with their influence.”

“Seriously, Rafi? You think I’m going to do something stupid?”

“And I think Monica is in love with you.”

Sonny begins to laugh, and it slowly turns into loud laughter. Rafael knows it’s a mocking laugh.

“Now you’re being stupid. Are you serious? She knows I’m married.”

“You know you’re married.”

Sonny doesn’t say anything.

“Right?” Rafael questions.

“I gotta go,” Sonny says.

Rafael has a strange feeling in his stomach. He understands Sonny is mad at him now, but why can’t he just reassure Rafael that he feels nothing for Monica?

“Sonny?”

“What, Rafael?”

“Just be careful.”

“I’ll talk to you later.”

Sonny hangs up before Rafael can. Rafael stares at his phone as the call goes away, revealing his home screen, which is a photo of the family together. It’s a selfie Sonny took when all of the children were piled in their bed one morning. Javy is tucked under Rafael’s chin, Christian is laughing from his place on Sonny’s chest, Camilla is cradled next to Sonny, and Manny is draped across their pillows above them. It was an incredibly joyous picture, lots of love and laughter and happiness.

Rafael fears that going away. And he fears there’s nothing he could do to stop it.

* * *

 

“Sonny!”

Sonny smiles sheepishly as he climbs into a packed car full of beautifully done-up women. He slides in between Monica and Rebecca, smelling champagne already.

“Don’t you look gorgeous,” Monica says, so low that only he can hear. She grasps his shirt collar and adjusts it.

Sonny blushes, but shifts so she lets him go. “Thanks,” he mutters as the car begins to move.

The first place is a nice, clean, new bar. They order a round of shots, then their own separate drinks. Sonny has a beer and drinks it so slowly that he doesn’t finish it before the ladies decide its time to leave.

“There simply aren’t enough men at the current bar,” that’s what they claim. Except Monica, who keeps looking at Sonny with a look in her eyes.

He tries not to think about what the look is, what it means, he just talks to Rebecca while trying to ignore Monica’s hand on his knee.

The second bar is similar to the first, and they approach it the same way: shots, then drinks. Sonny gets another beer and drinks it similarly to the last. The only difference is this time they meet a group of men who begin chatting up the women eagerly. Sonny could laugh, imagining their feelings when the men realize none of them will be going home with any of them that evening, but he isn’t too sure.

The only woman not fawning over the men is Monica, who stays close to Sonny and talks mostly to him. But he, in turn, gives her just as much attention because he doesn’t want attention from any of the men.

“Do you even find any of them attractive?” Monica asks, sipping the beer she’d ordered, just like Sonny’s.

Sonny shrugs, looking at the men. One kind of reminds him of Rafael: shorter, stockier, great facial hair, naturally tan skin. But instead of feeling attracted to the man, he feels sorry for fighting with Rafael.

“You know what,” Sonny says, setting his beer down on the bar behind them. “I’ve got to check on the kids.”

Monica squeezes his arm. “Don’t be long.”

He gives her a half smile, then walks away.

Sonny goes into the less rowdy hallway to the bathroom and pulls out his phone. He quickly dials Rafael’s number and hopes it isn’t too late, hopes Rafael isn’t in bed already.

Rafael picks up on the third ring.

“Hello?” he answers, already sounding annoyed.

“Hey, Rafi.” He has nothing else to say.

Rafael sighs. “I’m busy, Sonny.”

“You’re not busy.”

“I am busy, and so are you. How’s your date?”

Sonny snorts. “Shut up, Rafael.”

“Shut up? You called me.”

“Yeah, I have no idea why now.”

“I’ll talk to you later, then.”

“Bye,” Sonny mumbles, then angrily hangs up.

He’s so angry after hanging up. He called Rafael to apologize, remind Rafael that he loves him, but Rafael was still mad, so he’s mad.

Sonny marches back to the bar where Monica is still waiting.

“How are they?” Monica asks.

“Huh? Oh, fine,” Sonny replies, lifting his beer and drinking the last of it in one go.

“Now we’re talking,” Monica laughs, drinking hers, too.

When both of their bottles are empty, Monica stands from her stool. She places a hand on Sonny’s side.

“I’m going to freshen up, you order another one. Or something stronger.”

Sonny waves a hand at the bartender as Monica walks away, glancing over her shoulder and grinning wickedly at him. Sonny does order something stronger, and he plans to down it quickly to forget about Rafael.

After that drink, the group of men invite the women to another bar, this one Sonny already knows as smaller and rowdier, with louder music and dingier bathrooms, but the women are excited, so Sonny follows them.

Again, in the car, Monica is practically attached to Sonny, but this time Sonny is more buzzed and doesn’t really care about Monica’s hand on his thigh.

At the third bar, Sonny drinks twice as quickly. Soon, he’s laughing and smiling and bopping along to the beat of fun songs.

Monica won’t detach herself from Sonny, not that Sonny is trying to get her to do so. Her hand stays gripping his shirt, she keeps pulling him close, and swaying into him.

“Oh, I love this song!” Candace exclaims after her second or third drink. “Dance with me!” She grabs her guy, the one that reminds Sonny of Rafael, and takes off to the dance floor.

“Want to dance?” Monica asks.

Sonny shakes his head. “Not really.”

“I don’t either,” Monica says, ordering another round.

When it arrives, Sonny sips it slower than it had been.

“I have something to tell you,” Monica says.

Sonny looks at her. “Huh?”

“I’m going to file for divorce.”

“Huh?” Sonny repeats.

“Just...seeing how happy Candace is...I’m jealous. I want that.”

Sonny looks over at Candace, dancing freely with the smaller man on the dance floor.

“Sure,” Sonny mumbles.

“And I...I think I have feelings for someone else.”

“Oh?” Sonny asks, but before he can get much of the thought out, Monica is leaning over and kissing him.

Sonny is screaming in his own head, because holy shit, was Rafi right? Is Monica in love with him?

Sonny pushes her away, slowly because he’s very drunk. “Wait—“

“I’ll wait,” Monica quickly says. “I’ll wait for you. After you leave Rafael—“

Sonny pushes her further away. “I’m not leaving Rafael.”

“But—“

“No, I’m...I’m not...sorry if you thought—“

“I know what I thought. You and I—“

“Not you and I,” Sonny says, standing. “Rafael was right.”

“Right about what?” Monica asks, following him.

“That you’re all bad influences, or something. I shouldn’t be here. I should be at home with my kids. With my husband.”

“Your husband isn’t even here.”

“Because he’s working. Because he’s important to all of the people of New York. And to me.” It was sappy, but Sonny meant it.

“I gotta go,” Sonny says, moving to the exit of the bar.

“Sonny—“

“No, don’t,” Sonny waves her off, pushing the door to the building open and rushing out.

Monica doesn’t follow him, thank goodness. Sonny is able to climb into a cab alone, collapsing against the backseat and pushing down all the nausea he feels.

When he arrives home, Sonny stumbles into a dark house. He wants to call Rafael, apologize for everything, but when he throws himself into bed, he finds his phone completely dead. Instead of making more of a fool of himself that night, Sonny just tosses his dead phone onto the nightstand and squeezes his eyes shut, willing himself to sleep.

* * *

 

Sonny wakes to the smell of bacon wafting through the house, the sound of laughter whistling through the walls. Confused, with a throbbing headache, Sonny rolls out of bed to find out what all the commotion is. He finds himself still wearing jeans and his button-up shirt, his shoes kicked off in the corner of the room and his coat tossed to the floor.

Sonny feels half dead as he walks into the kitchen.

“Las manzanas o las naranjas?” he hears a far too familiar voice saying before it registers to Sonny that Rafael is home.

“Oranges!” the kids reply to him.

“En español!” Rafael tells them.

“Las naranjas, por favor, El Capitán!” Javy says.

“El Capitán? Lo amo! El Capitán de...”

“Nos!” Camilla adds.

“El Capitán de Las Barba y Carisi monstruos!”

“Monstruos?! Christian, mira!” Manny yells before growling loudly, making Christian growl back.

Sonny just watches from the doorway, propped up against it because he can barely stand.

Finally, Camilla notices him.

“Daddy!” she exclaims, rushing over to him.

“Hey baby,” he weakly mutters, struggling to lift her when she tries to climb into his arms.

Sonny looks at Rafael over her shoulder.

“En español,” Camilla says before Sonny can say anything to him.

“Uh...buenos días, mi amor.”

“Buenos días, papá. Papi está haciendo el desayuno.”

“That’s great,” Sonny says, letting her down because Rafael is coming his way.

“Daddy, en español!”

Sonny ignores her. “Rafi, I’m—“

“Hi, honey,” Rafael says, leaning in to kiss Sonny’s cheek. Whether he’s really forgiven Sonny or it’s a formality, Sonny isn’t sure. All he knows is he remembers why he stormed out of the bar so quickly the night before, and that he needs to tell Rafael.

“Hi,” Sonny mumbles. “Rafi, I—“

Rafael turns back to the kids. “I need everyone to go wash their hands!”

The kids excitedly jump off their stools. “Last one’s a rotten egg!” Javy announces before the four dart out of the kitchen.

Rafael turns back to Sonny once the kids’ stomping is halfway up the stairs.

“You look like shit,” he says, straightfaced.

“I feel like shit. Rafi, I have to tell you something.”

“Do I want to hear it?”

Sonny frowns. “I have to tell you. Monica kissed me.”

Rafael just stares at him.

“I pushed her away, I promise. She...I was drunk, and she—“

“Let me guess, it wasn’t your fault.”

“It wasn’t—“

“No, because nothing lately has been your fault. Why couldn’t you have just listened to me all along? I was right.”

“I didn’t—“

“You didn’t listen to me.”

Sonny feels guilty. “I just wanted...” he sighs in defeat. “I don’t know what I wanted.”

“I don’t know either, Sonny. But I hope you got it.”

Rafael turns back to the stove, where he pours more pancake batter into a pan.

Sonny notices two mugs of coffee on the island. One is Rafael’s favorite mug, one the kids painted for him for Father’s Day a few years ago. The other is Sonny’s ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. He takes it and sips delicately, not feeling at all like he deserves to use the mug.

When the kids return, Rafael is back to smiling. Sonny, sick about it all, excuses himself to shower to wash it all away.

* * *

 

Rafael knows, deep down, that he can’t be mad at Sonny forever. It would be a bad case of victim blaming if he didn’t listen to Sonny when Sonny says he didn’t do anything. And Rafael mostly believes that anyway. He knows Sonny. He knows Sonny loves him.

Still, that doesn’t mean Rafael can’t be a little bit mad for now, and it doesn’t mean that Sonny doesn’t have a little bit of ass-kissing to do. Rafael was right and all Sonny did was fight with him about it.

Now, all Rafael wants is a peaceful weekend with his family before he must return to the city on Monday. He wants soft Christmas pajamas all day, hot chocolate, Christmas cookies, the tree put up proudly in the living room, and Christmas carols playing over the speakers.

“Alexa, play Christmas music!” Manny demands as soon as the family is in clean Christmas pajamas, new ones that Rafael picked up on his way home the day before.

Rafael serves hot chocolate to four patiently waiting little kids sitting around the living room coffee table.

“Did you get one for dad?” Camilla asks, blowing in her steaming mug.

“Of course,” Rafael answers, handing a mug over to Sonny.

“Thanks, Rafi,” Sonny says, his eyes ridiculously wide with innocence.

Rafael wants to roll his eyes, but instead he just gives Sonny a soft smile.

Rafael also knows Sonny can’t feel great physically. He’s hungover, which actually cracks Rafael up. Rafael hasn’t been hungover in years, not since they left the kids with his mom to go to a bed-and-breakfast to celebrate their ten year wedding anniversary. Instead of exploring the woods like they’d planned to, it rained for the entire weekend, so Sonny and Rafael spent the entire first night drinking their troubles away. That was the last, and worst, hangover Rafael had ever woken up with.

But Sonny is trying. Rafael is never without a helping hand and the kids are never without a various Christmas treat they have. Sonny is right behind Rafael every step of the way, even though Rafael is half ignoring him and pretending he isn’t even there.

They’re halfway through the afternoon, Rafael and Sonny are silently assembly their Christmas tree. The kids are snacking on candy canes and watching Muppet Christmas Carol on the couch. The kids have their backs to Rafael and Sonny, and usually any time the kids aren’t looking, Rafael and Sonny are kissing or touching in some way, but not today. Sonny is keeping his distance and Rafael appreciates it, even though he misses Sonny.

“I’m going to grab some water,” Sonny says quietly. “You good?”

Rafael nods, so Sonny leaves the tree and heads for the kitchen.

Rafael steps around the tree to inspect it’s all done before starting on the next layer of stems, and when he steps back around it to his original spot, Camilla is standing there staring up at him.

“Dios mio!” Rafael cries, “Make some noise!”

“Are you fighting?”

“What?”

“You and Daddy. Are you fighting? Is it ‘cause he went out last night? Are you mad at that?”

Rafael doesn’t think it’s appropriate for him to discuss it with his eight-year-old. “It’s nothing,” he lies.

And what would he even say? ‘Your father’s been acting like a huge idiot and I told him something bad would happen and I was right!’ He can’t say that to his child.

“Whatever Daddy did, he’s sorry. Just give him some kisses and make up.”

“It’s more complicated than that.”

“Not uh. You always fix everything with kisses. Remember that time he didn’t take your fancy suits to the laundry like he said he would, and you were so mad! But you fixed it with kisses.”

Rafael sighs. His initial thought is that forgetting the laundry and someone else kissing Sonny are two very different offenses. But Camilla’s heart is there. She’s trying to help.

“Hang on, I got it!” Camilla suddenly says, then runs out of the living room. Rafael can hear her pattering feet running upstairs, and he just stands confused.

Sonny returns to the living room with a fresh bottle of water. “Where’s she going?” he asks.

“No idea,” Rafael answers honestly.

They get started on the tree again while the boys remain watching the movie. In minutes, Camilla runs back downstairs. They hear her stop on the entry to the kitchen from the other side, they hear her move a chair around, struggle with something, then hop off the chair and replace it.

“What the hell is she doing?” Rafael ventures out loud.

Sonny shrugs.

“Okay!” Camilla runs back into the living room. “Come here!” She grabs both of their hands and yanks them out of the living room.

“What are you—“ Rafael starts, but soon he sees what she was doing. Camilla taped a paper sprig of mistletoe to the wall at the entry to the kitchen.

“Camilla—“ Sonny tries, almost laughing, but Camilla stops him.

“You stand here,” she positions Sonny under the mistletoe. “And you stand here,” she grabs Rafael’s hand and does the same, setting him up right in front of Sonny.

“How about I just kiss you?” Sonny jokes, leaning over and grabbing Camilla’s little face.

Camilla laughs. “No, no, kiss Daddy!”

Sonny kisses her cheek over and over. Rafael smiles at the scene.

“Dad, okay, okay!” Camilla cries, still laughing. “Let me go so you can kiss Daddy!”

She manages to wiggle out of Sonny’s grip, then stumble back to the living room, leaving Rafael and Sonny awkwardly under the fake mistletoe.

Sonny leans back against the wall. “Why did she even—“

“She knows we’re upset with each other.”

“You’re upset with me. I’m not mad at you.”

“I have a right to be mad at you.”

“I know. I was just correcting.” Sonny looks innocent, soft.

Rafael could kiss him. Kiss him and make it all go away.

Rafael’s not even really that angry anymore. He would have preferred Sonny tell him the truth all along anyway. He’s glad Sonny didn’t try to hide anything. Now, all he knows is that he was right, but he won’t gloat. Not until later, at least.

“Are you going to stop being friends with them?” Rafael asks.

“Do I have to?”

“I can’t tell you what to do. I can tell you I’d prefer you not be in a position where Monica can kiss you again.”

“Trust me, it’s not like I asked her to. She just did it.”

“I believe you,” Rafael says.

“Do you?”

“I’d like to believe you. I’d like to believe you’re not going around letting random people kiss you.”

“I don’t. I promise. Last night...they wanted to meet men. I was uncomfortable with that, obviously.”

“Obviously.”

“You’re the only man for me.”

“Mmm. And a woman?”

“She’d better have a bigger dick than you do.”

Rafael cracks a smile. “God, Sonny.”

“What? It’s the truth,” Sonny says, laughing.

Rafael begins to laugh, too. “Well, no other men, and no other women. I can’t tell you what to do and you know how I feel. Just...be here, please? One of us needs to be here.”

“Oh trust me. I am not going out like that again. You can’t imagine how bad my head is throbbing. I thought I was going to have to yank my brain out when you let the kids sing to that Chipmunks song.”

Rafael laughs again. “Yeah, that may have been my own personal form of punishment.”

Sonny reaches over and pinches his arm. “I knew it!”

Rafael yelps, then says, “I’m not sorry.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

Rafael keeps smiling. He loves smiling with Sonny, laughing, talking. It seems like it’s been so long since they’ve joked.

“Rafi?”

“Yeah?”

“You gonna make use of this mistletoe?”

“It’s paper. It’s not real, I don’t have to kiss you.”

Sonny pushes himself off the wall. “Fine, I’ll go—“

Rafael grabs him and pushes him back. “I don’t have to. That doesn’t mean I won’t.”

Sonny just looks at him with wide eyes. He licks his lips, Rafael follows it like a moth to a flame. He leans in closer and closer until they’re sharing breath, until their lips are barely apart.

“Ask,” Rafael whispers.

“Please, Rafi,” Sonny instantly replies. “Please kiss me.”

Rafael gives him one sweet peck. Then, he whispers, “Tell me.”

“Tell you, what?”

“Tell me you love me.”

Sonny places one hand on the back of Rafael’s head and the other grips his shirt tightly.

“I love you, Rafi. I always have and I always will.”

Rafael licks Sonny’s bottom lip.

Sonny moans and drops his mouth open slightly. “I love you so much,” he pants out.

Rafael is completely pressed against him now. He’s holding Sonny’s hips against the wall.

Rafael’s eyes drift shut so he can get lost in the feeling, smell, and sound of Sonny against him. He’s been without Sonny for too long. He needed him close.

Rafael bites Sonny’s bottom lip. “One more—“

Sonny slides his nose against Rafael’s. “I love you,” he whispers gently, against Rafael’s lips.

Rafael feels it everywhere; in his beating heart, his ribs, his lungs, his stomach, down to his toes.

Rafael surges forward and captures Sonny’s lips completely. Sonny opens his mouth to Rafael’s tongue, letting Rafael in like he always does.

Sonny’s hand slides up the bottom of Rafael’s t-shirt, and Rafael gets lost in that. He wants Sonny’s hands on him, needs him. If only it wasn’t the middle of the afternoon and they didn’t have a couch full of fully awake children. Maybe they can sneak off before the movie ends—

“Daddy! The movie’s over!”

Sonny tries to pull away.

“Wait,” Rafael whispers, “Need a second.”

Sonny grins as Rafael continues to kiss him.

Soon, eight feet run into the entry to the kitchen.

“Ugh!” one of the boys cries.

“Guess they’re back to normal,” the other says.

Rafael finally pulls his face away from Sonny’s, but he’s still close and can feel Sonny breathing against his cheek.

“I’m sorry, we’re busy, come back later,” Rafael jokes.

Manny pulls Rafael’s hand off Sonny’s hip. “But we want more cookies!”

Sonny, still playing with the hairs on the back of Rafael’s head, chimes in. “Oh, no, you’ve had enough sweets today.”

“What, ‘cause you guys aren’t fighting anymore, we can’t have cookies?!” Camilla argues.

Rafael’s jaw drops. Sonny pats his shoulder.

“You made them this way,” Sonny mutters, pushing Rafael off of him. “Come on, I’ll compromise. How about apples and caramel?”

“Yeah!” the kids cry, following Sonny through the kitchen.

Rafael joins them a second later. He helps Sonny with unwrapping dozens of caramel candies to melt in a pan for the sauce.

The rest of the day is much like it had been. The tree gets done, many snacks are eaten, only now, Rafael sneaks loving kisses to Sonny when the kids aren’t looking. And it ends up being exactly the Christmas decorating day Rafael had hoped for.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Sonny, oh Rafi. Want that to be the end of the angst? Oh man, me too. 
> 
> Hope it’s okay, let me know!


	9. Chapter 9

Sonny knows Rafael was right about a few things.

Sure, maybe Monica had feelings for him, and Sonny appreciates that Rafael was worried about that.

But Rafael was wrong about Sonny doing something stupid.

And sure, maybe the ladies are a bad influence on Sonny.

But Rafael is wrong in thinking that Sonny is turning into them.

He’s allowed to have friends.

And they’re right about a few things, too. Life is easier with a nanny. And he wouldn’t even need a nanny if Rafael were home more than a few days at a time.

Christmas came and went, and lucky Rafael was around to play Santa. He was there to give the twins his handpicked gifts of remote control cars, unveil Camilla’s very own basketball hoop, and Christian’s very first Radio Flyer bicycle.

But just as quickly as the new year arrived, Rafael needed to be back in the city for a new round of crime. Sonny was left with the kids for half of their winter break, which was fine, but he found he did need help.

Sonny spent days combing through candidates to help him out. In the end, a very nice woman named Anne was just right. She was so kind and fun, and had a nice “grandma-look” about her; that’s what the kids said.

But Anne still has good years left, that’s what she says. The kids don’t demand too much of her anyway, because there’s four of them and they’re very good at keeping themselves entertained. Anne is very helpful with cleaning and helping Sonny with laundry, and the family welcomes her easily.

The family continues on without Rafael. They know they can’t be at a standstill without him, that they must go on. They miss Rafael, of course, but the kids are happy.

By the beginning of February, Rafael only visits the house for a few weekends. When he visits, the kids are ecstatic. But even when he’s gone, they grow.

In the end, in a positive way, Sonny feels blessed that he gets to be the one there for them.

* * *

 

Rafael hates being away from the kids just as much as he hates that people are continuing to commit crimes and keeping him away from them.

If people would just stop with the crime, he could spend an uninterrupted weekend with his family. But instead, it’s a Saturday here, a Sunday there.

Rafael feels lost, extremely lonely without his family. He can’t imagine how Sonny feels. If Sonny is half as heartbroken as he is, it must be agony.

No wonder Sonny hired help. After the initial disagreement, Rafael understood. He understood that four against one all the time is a lot. Especially when the twins are constantly testing their limits, Camilla is getting more mouthy, and Christian is getting into everything.

Rafael feels like it is all his fault. He feels like he shouldn’t have ran for DA, like he should have fought Sonny for a home in the city, like he should fight to be home more. But what could he do? And he loves the home Sonny has made for them. The kids are thriving in their new school, they’re pretty happy.

He hopes.

They sound happy, when he talks to them on the phone almost every night. Judging by all of their FaceTime calls, they look taken care of and beautiful, as usual. Nothing is more beautiful than his smiling babies, even over a screen, miles and miles away.

Rafael tries to be there for them. He’s the provider, yes, but that doesn’t mean he’s doing enough for them. He’s not making their dinners, helping them with homework, or tucking them in at night. All he can do is offer words of praise and encouragement to get them through their days.

By February, Rafael is just getting by.

“When will you be home, Daddy?” Camilla asks him sweetly during their now tri-weekly FaceTime call. Their calls began nightly, multiple times a night even, but has since reduced to three times a week when Camilla isn’t busy.

Rafael finds that a little bit ridiculous: hoping his eight-year-old daughter isn’t too busy to talk to him. But since she’s started youth basketball, and her homework is important, and the various other things the girl does between getting home and going to bed, Rafael understands her tight schedule.

The boys sometimes can’t be bothered to sit to talk to him. Usually, with the twins, he gets ten minutes of, “How was your day, Manny?” “Fine.” “How was school?” “Fine.” Sonny is still trying to convince Rafael that they’re distracted, that they’re growing up and they treat him the same way, and Rafael refrains from arguing that at least he’s there to coax something out of the twins. A reaction or anything. But then, Rafael is just reminded that it’s his fault he’s not there.

“Maybe...Friday,” Rafael says, not even believing himself.

“Hey, I have a basketball game on Friday!”

“Oh, yeah?” Rafael asks, heart sinking.

“Yeah! Maybe you can come!”

Rafael tries not to frown, not with Camilla right in his face. Instead he forces a hopeful smile and mutters, “Yeah...”

“Have you seen my uniform? It’s blue! We’re called the Little Knicks!”

Rafael’s seen her uniform about a dozen times, but he doesn’t remind her. He could listen to any of his children say the same thing a hundred times as long as they’re still excited about it.

“Daddy says when he takes the boys to my game, they’ll all wear blue, like when we go to Mets games and all wear Mets clothes except they don’t have basketball shirts like mine. Except Manny does have a Knicks shirt, remember! So he can go for my team like that!”

Rafael nods.

“If you come, maybe you can borrow one of Dad’s Knicks shirts. Would you, Daddy? Would you go for my team?”

“Of course, mi amor. I’ll be your number one fan.”

“Tu siempre eres, Papi. Te quiero mucho.”

Rafael’s heart bursts. “I love you, too.”

For five more minutes, Camilla sets the iPad facing her on her desk in her bedroom. Rafael can see her writing as she absentmindedly rambles about the rest of her day, every little thing about it. She had a sandwich for lunch, and Anne makes really good peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and she traded an apple for a banana, and a kid spit milk out of his nose, because another kid told a joke about a monkey, and...

Rafael just listens and watches her. He watches her hand write just as fast as her mouth is moving. He wonders how she can be talking and writing at the same time, what a brain she has to conquer this task. Rafael appreciates and suspects that his daughter may be the smartest person alive.

Finally, Camilla is finished and decides she does need to concentrate.

“I’ll call you later, okay Daddy?”

“Okay, amor. Tell your brothers I love them.”

“And Dad, too?”

“Of course, but I usually talk to him after you guys go to bed.”

“You do?! No wonder he’s so sleepy in the morning. Yesterday he drank three cups of coffee, Daddy. I think it’s because you’re not here to drink the rest.”

Rafael wants to frown again. He wants to pack up and go home, save Sonny from drinking the lonely coffee, but his reminder of an 8 A.M. meeting is stopping him.

“I’ll let Dad get to bed early, then,” Rafael says.

“Okay, I’ll be checking. Goodnight, Daddy!”

“Goodnight, my love.”

Camilla gives him one last, gigantic smile, then hangs up on Rafael before he can.

Rafael stares at his phone. He’d changed his home screen photo to one of the kids on Christmas morning, all in their matching pajamas in front of the large bay window that overlooks fresh snow in the backyard. They’re smiling, even though they look sleepy-eyed due to the early hour that they woke their fathers, and they look so happy. Rafael’s heart is so full of love every time he sees the picture.

Instead of making himself too sad, Rafael locks his phone, tosses it on the empty nightstand, and goes to the bathroom for a shower.

* * *

 

Rafael misses the basketball game. As much as he’d wished and tried, half of his heart knew he’d miss it. Thanks to a last minute meeting, he’s forced to stay in the city. By the end of the meeting, he’s too tired to travel home, so he goes back to the lonely hotel to wait for Camilla to call him to tell him about her game.

His phone doesn’t ring until almost midnight.

By then, he’s long asleep in the rough hotel bed, but the shrill ringing through the small room wakes him almost instantly.

Rafael blinks wearily at the glow of Sonny’s face on his phone. Without a second thought, he answers it.

“Hello?”

“Hi babe,” Sonny says, sounding just as tired.

“What time is it?”

“Almost midnight. I’m sorry. I meant to call earlier, but we got caught up after the game.” Sonny used to rush to call Rafael right after an event. Lately, he’s just ‘gotten around to it’.

Rafael rubs his eyes. “Did the kids barely go to bed?”

“Huh? Oh, no, but I fell asleep with Christian and just woke myself up to come downstairs. Thought I’d call to...wake you up.”

Rafael chuckles. “Because you miss me.”

“Because I miss you,” Sonny agrees.

“What are you wearing?” Rafael asks cheekily, snuggling back onto his pillow.

Sonny laughs. “You’re a horny old man, my love.”

Rafael grins into the darkness. “Would you rather just tell me about your day?”

“Have a regular conversation? Sure.”

Rafael chuckles. “What else did you do today?”

Sonny tells Rafael about his day. He was able to go grocery shopping without Christian running around or throwing a fit. He was able to pee in peace when Christian was napping. And then they had the basketball game.

Rafael’s eyes slowly drift shut as Sonny speaks. Sonny’s voice may be ridiculous, his accent sometimes atrocious, but god if it doesn’t soothe Rafael to sleep. It makes Rafael feel at home, no matter how far away, no matter where he is.

Right before Rafael goes completely under, he hears Sonny whisper, “Rafi? You asleep?” He chuckles. “Okay, I’ll call you later. Sleep well, baby. Goodnight.”

Rafael dreams of Sonny, sweet and young like when they first met. He’s gorgeous, so loved, and Rafael sleeps wonderfully.

* * *

 

Rafael paces his office with his stomach falling out step by step. The carpet below his feet is treading bare, and his heart is beating so fast he’s sure the mayor on the other side of the line can hear it.

“And furthermore...”

Rafael zoned out about halfway through her speech, yelling at him for a trial he approved to prosecute three of NYPD’s leaders for the murders of two more ADA’s.

Rafael wants to tell Georgie she’s foolish, that they did it, but he can’t, and he won’t. All he can do now is let it go to trial.

Rafael hadn’t been bothered by John in a long time, not since Rafael fooled him at he bar that night. Rafael thought he just stumped the man enough to leave him alone, but Rafael knows now it’s because they were planning much, much more.

All he can do now is take Georgie’s verbal beating and worry about the carpet below his feet.

The door to his office opens quietly. Rafael turns on time to see Carmen slipping in and shutting the door. He wonders if the entire office can hear Georgie chewing him out.

Carmen hands him a fresh cup of coffee. If he wasn’t busy not listening, he’d ask if she poured half a bottle of whiskey in it.

“Are you listening to me, Barba?” Georgie asks.

Maybe a whole bottle.

“Yes, ma’am.”

Georgie sighs. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“With all do respect, ma’am, I do.”

“I’ll see you later, then, Barba. Good luck.”

Georgie hangs up before Rafael can say anything else. He watches the call end on his side, revealing his much loved home screen photo. He sags and wishes everything wasn’t falling apart so much.

His job is in shambles, the city’s in turmoil because of it, and his family is more than thriving without him.

Rafael locks his phone and takes a sip of coffee, trying to figure out the next step.

“It’s not like you can take it back,” Carmen wisely reminds him.

“I know,” Rafael agrees. “That doesn’t mean Georgie isn’t going to yell at me anymore.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“Won’t be the last.”

Carmen smirks. She’s been with Rafael long enough to practically be able to write his next outrageous motion.

Carmen organizes the last of his desk, then slips out of the room.

Rafael wanders over and sits heavily on his chair. He takes multiple deep breaths and stares up at the ceiling.

All he can think about is his family. How he’s doing his job for them and completely blowing it. How he hasn’t spent any quality time with them in forever. How their lives are going on perfectly well without him.

He decides he can’t let it. He can’t let them go, and he can’t let them forget about him.

Rafael picks up his phone and pages Carmen.

“What’s my schedule like for the rest of week?”

“Nothing pressing. Not now at least. Need a train ticket?”

Rafael smiles. “Have my things ready in fifteen minutes.”

* * *

 

Rafael is antsy the entire train ride. By the time he gets to the house, the kids should be off school, so he’ll have the evening with them. And, since he’s calling in sick for the rest of the week, he’ll have a few more days, as well.

He needs it. He needs rest and relaxation. He needs Sonny beside him at night and the kids to wake him up in the morning.

Rafael’s Uber is quick, and he arrives at the house right at 3:00, which means the kids should be home any minute.

Rafael lets himself into the house, and as expected, there is no sound around, except Anne’s unsuspecting feet pattering in the kitchen.

Rafael shuts the door as loud as he can so Anne will at least know someone is there. Then, he wanders over to the kitchen doorway to talk to her.

Anne is in the kitchen alright, but she’s staring at the doorway with a pot in her hand ready to swing. When Rafael comes into view, she visibly sighs and holds her chest, over her heart.

“Mr. Barba! You almost gave me a heart attack!”

“Were you going to hit me with the pot?” Rafael asks, laughing.

“It would serve you right! What are you doing here?”

“I came to surprise my family. Are they still at school?”

Anne nods. “Yes, but...” She moves her hand to signify Rafael follow her.

He does, confused, as she leads him into the living room. The television is blasting some cartoon Rafael has never seen, there’s litter of tissues and cups of juice and water on the table, and a little body bigger than the last time Rafael saw it snuggled on the couch.

Anne gets his attention, “Javier, look who’s—“

Javy looks up. “Oh, hi, Daddy.”

Rafael expected a little more of a grand welcome than that. He hopes it’s just because Javy is sick. He sits next to Javy on the couch and pats his leg.

“Under the weather, buddy?”

Javy nods. “My nose won’t stop runnin’. Dad let me stay home with Anne today.”

Anne steps in. “Mr. Barba, why don’t you surprise the kids at school? I’m sure they’d love that.”

Might as well, Rafael thinks, because he didn’t receive an expected reception at home.

“That’s a good idea,” Rafael agrees. “I’ll give Javy some more time to rest. I’ll be back.”

Anne offers Rafael her car keys, then he takes off to the school.

* * *

 

By the time Rafael gets to the school, he’s overthought everything.

Javy was not as excited to see him as he expected. What if the other kids are the same? What if they’ve moved on without needing him anymore? What if he doesn’t fit anymore? He had trouble bonding with Christian before, what about now? His family is fine without him, they have a routine. What if he ruins it?

Rafael almost doesn’t get out of the car.

But, in the end, he decides he needs to try.

Heart in his stomach, Rafael climbs the steps to the school and finds the cafeteria. That should be some indication to him: he’s only been in the school once before now.

Rafael stops in the doorway to the cafeteria. He looks for his family and spots them quickly; Manny and Camilla running around after a few more kids, Christian watching from his spot on Sonny’s hip, where Sonny is busy chatting with, who Rafael assumes, are the ‘Stepford Wives’.

Rafael just watches his family. He wishes he could feel joy seeing them so happy, but instead he feels regret and sadness.

The kids are so big. He’s missed so much. He’s missed their homework, their lost teeth, he didn’t even know Javy was sick. He’s missed Christian saying the older kids’ names, he hardly knows anything about the twins, and he only knows about Camilla’s life because she’s the only one who’s bothered to call him up to three times a week.

Sonny is so happy. Without him. With his friends. With Anne, the nanny, by his side, he really doesn’t need Rafael. He hardly even asks Rafael to come home anymore, and he’s not disappointed when Rafael says he won’t be home for a few days.

Sonny laughs loudly, getting Rafael’s attention. He could go over, walk over and surprise Sonny like he’d planned, but Sonny is enjoying himself.

Without Rafael.

That’s all Rafael can think of.

Without him.

Happy.

Without him.

Growing.

Without him.

Thriving.

Without him.

Rafael rushes out of the cafeteria, then down the stairs of the school and back to the car.

He’s unlocking the door and almost in when he hears his name being called from the entrance to the school.

“Rafi!” Sonny is yelling, running toward him.

Rafael pauses.

“What are you doing here?” Sonny asks, approaching quickly.

“I...I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? You’re here, that’s—“

“I’m going back to the city. I don’t know why I came.”

“I don’t understand—“

“Look at you guys, Sonny. You don’t need me. It was foolish of me to think...I don’t know what I thought. To think you’d all be heartsick without me—“

“I am, Rafi. Every single day I wish you were here. But I know you can’t be. I know you have a million other people to take care of—“

Rafael shakes his head. “I should’ve been here. Before you all moved on without me.”

Rafael opens the car door.

Sonny shuts it. “So what, you’re just going to leave?”

“It won’t make a difference to you guys.”

“What am I supposed to tell our children?”

“I’ll call them.”

Rafael manages to get the door open, then slide in the front seat.

He leaves Sonny looking defeated in the parking lot of the kids’ school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story went on so much longer than I anticipated. There are two more chapters. Don’t worry....


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn’t make you wait too long!

There was a story once.

A love story...

About a spritely young detective, trying to make a name for himself, trying to fit in, being too eager to make a good impression and being annoying with it.

There was a grumpy older man, far too sophisticated and handsome, who the younger man found endearing and lovely and sexy.

The younger man fell in love quickly, always looking for the older man’s company and guidance. It was the younger man who could handle it no longer; he always asked first.

“Will you go out with me?”

“Will you move in with me?”

“Will you marry me?”

The answer was always yes, even when the younger man took a chance and asked if they should have a baby.

“Yes,” it was enthusiastic, as if the older man felt just as much love in his heart that needed to be shared with a little baby.

When there were two babies, the younger man thought the older would be scared off, nervous of another baby he did not sign up for. But, as with every other obstacle in the older man’s life, he took it head on. Another addition was exactly what they needed to steady the beating of their hearts.

Then, their daughter was born. And finally their youngest son.

The once grumpy old man was the best father anyone ever could have asked for, making up for his own lost time with his father and striving to be the best he could be. The younger man fell more and more in love each and every day.

Now, the younger man turned older, drinks his coffee alone, takes care of their children on his own, and never lets down the hope that he will not be alone forever.

* * *

 

“Are you just going to mope forever?”

Sonny glances up at Deb, but makes no move to offer any explanation. Yes, he does plan to mope forever. He just sips his coffee.

Deb sighs. “At least get your feet off the counter.”

Sonny, who is sitting on a stool at the kitchen island, drops his feet from where they were on the island. He was cramped in his seat, because for some reason being smaller feels better.

“What are you doing up?” Deb finally asks, pouring herself a cup of coffee. It’s five in the morning, the kids won’t be up for at least an hour and a half, two if Sonny lets them sleep in. Which he might. Just for a little bit more quiet.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Sonny says.

Deb grabs his face and examines it. She must see the deep set circles under Sonny’s eyes, the darkness of the blue, the frown permanently printed on his lips.

“He wasn’t here before,” Deb reminds Sonny. “He isn’t here now. What’s the difference?”

The difference is that Rafael won’t take his calls, Rafael hasn’t attempted to talk to him, Rafael hasn’t told the kids he’s coming home. He talks to the kids as often as they call him, and it’s made Sonny see his point. Sonny would feel left out too if the kids only tried to call him three times a week.

Maybe Sonny should’ve tried harder. Maybe he should’ve made an effort to have the kids call Rafael every night, made an effort to show Rafael how missed he is constantly. But Sonny thought it was no use either, making Rafael feel guilty. Rafael would come home, call, when he had time. He didn’t need Sonny nagging him.

And they did continue on without him, but what did Rafael expect? For everyone’s lives to stand still? The kids needed to grow. He needed help, so he hired Anne. And now that Anne has a week off, Sonny needs his mother.

Deb starts, “If you ask me—“

“I didn’t—“

“You are both being terribly stupid.”

Sonny sighs. “Can’t you be on my side? Just say he’s the stupid one?”

“I love you both, you know that. Do I see your side? Yes. Do I see his side? Yes. But I’m not on either of your side. I’m on the kids’ side. Those beautiful babies who have no idea what’s going on. What do they think? That their daddy is saving the world? It’s the truth.”

“Yeah, but...Rafi left, Ma. He left me, he left us. What if...what if he doesn’t come back and I’m just being foolish by thinking he will?”

Deb leans over and kisses his forehead. “We all need a little bit of hope. Hope in something. Don’t let it go.”

Sonny nods.

“I’m going to get ready. You go lay down.”

Sonny takes his coffee into the living room to flop on the couch. He doesn’t turn the television on to watch the news like he would; he just stares blankly at nothing and thinks about anything and everything.

What does he do if Rafael doesn’t come back? What if Rafael wants a divorce? What if his kids hate him forever for driving their father away?

Sonny would hate himself forever.

But he can’t let that happen. He can’t let the kids hate anyone, he can’t give up hope that Rafael will come back.

Because he will.

He has to.

He promised.

Sonny promised.

They promised each other to be there forever, through everything.

This...they’ll get through.

* * *

 

Deb watches a week come and go, her son falling deeper and deeper into the black hole of his own brain. Deb’s seen her daughters go through breakups, divorce, their husbands leaving for younger women, but she never thought this fate for Sonny and Rafael. She had never seen two people more in love, even after her own fifty years of marriage, and she had never seen two people more right for each other.

Deb doesn’t think this is the end. She just thinks Rafael will realize he’s foolish and come crawling back to Sonny. In truth, she doesn’t think Rafael is really “gone”, she just thinks he’s doing what he needs to right his own mind. He’ll see.

Or Sonny will see.

Anne returns from her vacation, but Deb doesn’t need to hear Sonny ask for her to stay. She just knows, for support, he wants her there. Sonny’s always been a “mama’s-boy”. Deb is glad to stay to give Anne less work, let Sonny worry less, and offer a shoulder to cry on.

But Sonny doesn’t cry, and that worries Deb. Sonny is in so much pain but holds it down. He doesn’t let the kids see, he hardly lets her see.

Sonny is the strongest man she knows.

And the dumbest.

It’s been three weeks since Rafael left. He hasn’t talked to Sonny at all. He talks to the kids pretty often.

It’s late. Sonny and Deb are sharing a nightcap out on the back porch as the kids sleep. Sonny has the baby monitor resting on his chest, waiting to spring into action after any sound from Camilla’s bedroom, where Christian is sleeping to make room for Deb.

“Why can’t you call him?”

“I did, Ma. At first. Then I got the message.”

“What message?”

“That he doesn’t want me anymore.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

Sonny snorts.

“Son, I’ve seen you two together. It’s disgusting. A man who can’t keep his hands off you doesn’t just walk away.”

“Emotionally, then. I don’t know, Ma.”

Deb shakes her head. “I can’t believe you’re just letting him—“

“I’m not ‘letting him’ anything, Ma. Jesus, can’t you see? He doesn’t want to be here anymore.”

“He loves those kids.”

“Yeah, them.”

“He loves you.”

“Right.”

Deb rolls her eyes as she watches Sonny down the last of his drink.

Well, if he won’t do anything about it, she’ll have to take matters into her own hands.

* * *

 

Rafael has never been so tired in his entire life.

He isn’t sleeping, isn’t eating, and spends almost all of his time in the office. His hotel room isn’t even for the bed anymore; a lot of nights he’s spent working away. If he’s not in the office, he’s out with people he barely calls friends. New York’s most important people, and it’s still surprising that he’s one of them.

Georgie’s forgiven him, since the case against the officers is going so smoothly. He has the previous DA testifying on grounds of stalking and threatening, and Rafael is hopeful to even get an attempted murder charge thrown in.

He’s still not the NYPD’s favorite person, but when has he ever been? He’s only lucky that this time, he doesn’t need Sonny to testify for the grand jury.

Rafael is also so exhausted from keeping his mind busy. He hardly lets his thoughts stray to Sonny, wondering how he is, how he’s been. He doesn’t know how Sonny’s been, if he’s moving on from Rafael just like his girl friends did to their husbands. He doesn’t know if Sonny’s looking for someone to take his place. He doesn’t know if Sonny is just as happy without him; Rafael doesn’t know if Sonny is as heartbroken as he is.

Of course Rafael will always be there to support Sonny and the kids, he wants to, he always has. He’ll live in a dingy hotel forever if it meant the kids had a roof over their heads.

Rafael is tired.

It’s six in the evening and he feels like he could fall asleep until the twins graduate from high school. He is out watching his friends eat a nice, expensive dinner, and he is using the excuse of eating a big lunch for the third dinner in a row.

Rafael just drinks his scotch and watches everyone laugh. He wonders if he’ll laugh again.

“Rafi, come on, nothin’?” Dan, an ADA, asks. “This steak is divine.”

Rafael shakes his head. “I’m good with this, thanks.”

“I’m that case...” Dan waves down a waiter and orders another round of drinks for the table.

Rafael hardly knows any of the other people at the table. Just Dan, really, because they worked together before Rafael was elected. Dan invited him out, and Rafael agreed just to be distracted for the night. He didn’t expect the kids to call. He hardly ever does, and it’s a pleasant surprise when they do.

Carmen is at the dinner too, because her life also seems to be on hold as she follows Rafael around to make sure he doesn’t go over the deep end. She doesn’t mind; it’s getting her a lot of attention from a lot of important people. Rafael won’t be in office forever, but Carmen can be great at her job forever.

And, if Rafael’s sure, she’s got a thing for Beth, another ADA.

Carmen’s really good at covering Rafael’s lies.

“Still full from that chicken you had for lunch?” she asks frequently.

“You have an early morning,” she says more, when she’s noticed Rafael wants to leave.

She is a godsend.

For now, she’s enjoying the company of Beth and watching Rafael out of the corner of her eye.

Rafael mostly stays out of conversation. He just thinks.

Maybe he is being stupid.

Maybe he should take Sonny’s calls. Find out if Sonny wants him, still, or if Sonny is finished with him. He’d be finished with himself. Just another father who wasn’t good enough for his family.

Rafael gets lost in his mind, doesn’t notice drinks being pushed in front of him, and he doesn’t even notice his phone ringing until Carmen is judging him softly.

“Boss? Your phone is ringing. Do you want me to—“

Rafael takes his phone out of his pocket. “No, it’s...”

It’s Sonny’s name, Sonny’s photo on the screen, but Rafael knows it’s one of the kids.

Rafael stands from his seat. Nobody blinks an eye at him moving. He doesn’t even properly excuse himself. He just gets up and walks out of the restaurant.

“Hello?” Rafael answers quickly, before it goes to voicemail.

“Hi, Daddy!” It’s Javy, Rafael is sure. And he’s surprised. Camilla usually calls him.

“Hola, Papito!” Rafael tries to sound excited; not that he isn’t excited to talk to Javy, it’s just that he’s been so depressed that it’s hard to get excited for anything lately.

“Dad!” Javy cries. “Guess what! My new Little League coach called Dad!”

Rafael sits down on the curb outside the fancy restaurant. Having drank too much, he didn’t trust himself to stand.

“Manny and I are on the same team, and guess what! We get to be the Diamondbacks! It’s not as cool as the Mets, this kid in my class gets to be on the Mets, but that’s okay, because at least we’re not the Dodgers. Our jerseys will be black, and I’m excited because I think black baseball jerseys look really cool. What do you think, Dad? Do you think we’ll look cool?”

Rafael rubs his eyes. Javy’s excitement is enough to make his heart burst. He feels tears prickling his eyes.

Rafael tries to stifle a sniffle before he says, “You’ll look so cool, Papito.”

“Daddy? Papi? Are you okay?” Javy asks.

Rafael takes a slow, deep breath. “Yeah, honey, I’m okay. Just happy to hear from you. Tell me more about Little League.”

“Okay, well, we had to go to tryouts the other day, and secretly I was way better than Manny, but don’t tell him.”

Rafael chuckles, knowing full well that Manny will say the exact same thing. They’re each other’s biggest competition and biggest fans; at the end of the day, the other will tell his brother he’s the best player ever and mean it.

“What else?” Rafael asks.

“Dad’s gonna get me a new black glove if I get straight A’s on my report card. I’m really close, all I need help with is four-digit multiplication. But Dad is helping me. And Grammy. She’s still here, too. And Anne. There’s a lotta people here, Daddy.”

Rafael chuckles. “Yeah, I’ll bet. Tell me more, Papito.”

Javy talks to Rafael for another half an hour. He’s more sober and still tearing up by the time his party exits the restaurant. Undoubtedly, Carmen had given the excuse of Rafael being caught in an important phone call, so everybody just waves goodbye as they get into cabs or walk down the street.

Carmen approaches and pats his shoulder.

“Hey, hang on, Javy,” Rafael says to the phone, but Javy keeps talking.

“Do you need me to call you a cab?” Carmen whispers.

“No,” Rafael says. “I’m going to stay here for a while.”

Carmen nods in understanding. She squeezes Rafael’s shoulder, then walks down the street with Beth.

After another ten minutes, Javy passes the phone to Manny, who tells him everything and more about baseball.

“I told him that!” Rafael hears Javy tell Manny in the background, but Rafael asks Manny to tell him anyway.

“I really hope I get to play outfield, ‘cause Dad throws with me every day and my arm is getting so strong. My arm is better than Javy’s.”

Rafael chuckles. “That’s what Javy said,” he says.

“Javy can’t throw as far as I can! He can hit farther than me, though. I’m still trying, but Dad says I don’t get a lot of good pitches ‘cause I’m left handed and Javy’s right. I get hit a lot.”

“That could be it,” Rafael agrees.

Manny talks to Rafael for another half an hour, at least. Rafael doesn’t want to hang up with them, but checking his watch, he finds it’s almost ten o’clock, and the twins have school tomorrow.

Manny yawns greatly into the phone.

“Tired?” Rafael asks.

“Yeah. Are you, Daddy?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Why don’t we go to sleep, then?”

Rafael looks around. He’s sitting on the street outside a busy Manhattan restaurant, nowhere near a bed or anywhere he can sleep. Still, he’d rather Manny fall asleep talking to him.

“We can go to sleep,” Rafael says.

“Can I go see you sometime, Daddy?”

Rafael’s heart bursts. “I’d love that, cariño.”

“And we can go to that ice cream place by the old apartment?”

“Anywhere you want.”

“I’ll ask Dad tomorrow, okay?” Manny yawns again. “I love you, Papi.”

“Te quiero, cariño. Sleep well.”

“You too, Dad. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Rafael’s phone beeps with the call ending. He looks at his home screen, the one of the kids at Christmas, and just smiles. He wants his babies back. He wants his family back. He can’t let them grow up without him. He won’t make the same mistake his own father did. He won’t abandon his children and the love of his life.

* * *

 

Rafael is ready to go. It’s been two days since his long talks with the twins and he just wants to go home. He’s thrown everything haphazardly into his bags, he’s been approved for two entire weeks of vacation, and all he needs to do is check out of the hotel.

For good.

He’ll commute every day, just like the original plan. He will make it work.

Rafael is just about ready to go when there’s a knock at the door. Confused, Rafael walks over to answer it.

It’s Mike.

“Mike?” Rafael answers the door. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I, uh, stopped by your office, but your pretty secretary said you’d be here.”

“Come in, come in. What can I do for you, Mike?”

Mike wanders into the little hotel room. “I had some good news, Mr. Barba. I got the help my son needed.”

“You didn’t listen to me.”

“Well, I, uh...no—“

“No, no!” Rafael cries, patting Mike’s shoulder. “That’s great news. That’s more than I could have hoped for for you. I was a huge ass to you, Mike. I sincerely apologize.”

Mike gives a huge smile. “I accept your apology, Mr. Barba. But let me ask you a question, what have you been doing here?”

“Being an ass, Mike. I’m on my way home now. Why don’t we call you sometime, we’ll have you over for dinner.”

“I’d like that, Mr. Barba. I like those kids of yours. They’re great kids.”

Rafael smiles. His stomach flips with excitement to get back to them.

“Hey,” Mike says, “You need a ride?”

Rafael is about to agree when there’s another knock at the door.

Even more confused, Rafael goes to the door again.

It’s John. Rafael’s heart immediately begins beating quickly.

John lifts his arms. “I’m unarmed. I just want to talk.”

Rafael steps aside to let John in, but doesn’t follow until he glances down the halls of the hotel to check for cameras. Luckily, there are two. Someone can see John enter his room. Plus, Mike is still there.

“I was hoping to talk alone,” John says.

Rafael looks at Mike, and Rafael can tell Mike is ready to protect him.

But, for some reason, Rafael asks Mike to go down to the car.

“I’ll be down in ten minutes,” Rafael tells Mike. He walks Mike to the door and whispers, “If I’m not down in ten, call the police.”

Mike nods, then takes off downstairs.

Rafael returns to his room, where John is awkwardly standing in the center.

“I’m turning myself in,” John says.

“Oh?” Rafael asks nonchalantly. “For? Intimidation? Threats?”

“You have to understand,” John says. “They made me. And they paid me.”

“Who? Your superiors I’m charging with the murders of the ADA’s?”

John slowly nods.

“So, why turn yourself in?”

“I want out.”

“Out of...”

John places his hands on his hips, pushing his jacket back and revealing his NYPD badge. “It’s not good, Mr. Barba. Some things...some things I have to live with. At least I can clear my conscious from what I did to you.”

Rafael nods. He just wants all of this over. Forget calling the police himself. He wants his own hot shower, his own bed, and his family.

“How much did they pay you?” Rafael asks out of curiosity.

“Five hundred a visit.”

“Huh. Not bad,” Rafael admits.

Rafael is about to escort John out so Mike doesn’t call the police, but there’s a short knock at the door.

“Now, who could that be...” Rafael jokes, going to the door.

He is completely surprised to see Deb on the other side.

“Deb?”

“Rafael. Would you please invite me in? I’m hoping your room is at least cleaner than the rest of this place.”

Rafael steps aside for Deb to enter.

She walks into the room and pauses when she sees John.

“And you are...”

“Just leaving,” Rafael says to John.

John nods. He heads for the door and says nothing as he leaves.

When Rafael turns back to Deb, she’s examining the hotel room.

“Is this where you’ve been living for the past few months?”

“Nice, isn’t it?”

Deb turns to him. “I didn’t come here to joke with you. I came here to tell you to get your head out of your ass.”

“Deb—“

“Sit down.”

Rafael slowly sits on the bed.

Deb explodes. “What have you been thinking, Rafael, leaving those kids—“

“Deb—“

“And my son! He’s given up everything to raise your family, and you just...you just walk out on them?”

“Deb—“

“He’s been a mess without you, Rafael, and you haven’t even taken his calls. You haven’t even tried to talk to him—“

“Deb—“

“You haven’t even...he’s a mess, Rafael. A mess. It’s been all he can not to have a breakdown every single day. He hasn’t given up hope, but he’s getting there, Rafael, he’s...” Deb rubs her eyes. “He’s a mess, Rafael.”

Rafael quickly stands and places his hands on Deb’s shoulders.

“Deb. Didn’t you notice my bags are packed?”

Deb looks over at the packed luggage by the door.

“You’re going home?”

“I’m going home.”

Deb lifts an eyebrow. “You’ve learned your lesson?”

“Yes, ma’am. I promise to never go crazy again.”

“Don’t promise me,” Deb says, “Promise your husband and kids.”

“I’m on my way. Mike’s downstairs with his cab.”

“And who was that man here just a few minutes ago?”

“Nobody to worry about, trust me.” Rafael leans forward and kisses his mother-in-law’s forehead.

Deb smiles. “I missed you, you dumbass.”

“I deserve that,” Rafael admits.

Deb wraps her arms around Rafael’s waist in a hug. Rafael happily hugs her back.

Except, they hug for far too long. After a minute, Rafael tries to back away.

“Deb? Not that I didn’t miss you too, but I have four children who I haven’t seen in weeks and—“

“And who’s fault is that?” Deb asks.

Rafael rolls his eyes. “Okay, okay. Let’s go back to the house.”

Deb finally lets him go. But not before he pats his chest and looks at his face.

“You haven’t eaten.”

Rafael shakes his head.

“Not that I want to reward you for making poor decisions—“

“Okay, Deb...”

“I was going to say,” she continues, “Tomorrow night I’ll make you whatever you want.”

Rafael’s stomach practically growls at the thought of some homemade food. He wonders if he can ask Deb to make all of his favorite dishes of hers. He wonders if he can call Lucia and ask her to email Deb all the recipes from his childhood.

Rafael grabs his bags and follows Deb out the door of the hotel room. He’s still got a few hours until checkout, but he wanted to be home quickly. He grabs the key cards off the dresser and opens the door.

His heart stops when he opens the door.

The breath he takes is a simple gasp that gets caught in his throat.

On the other side of the door is the most beautiful person he’s ever seen.

Giant blue eyes, puffy pink lips, perfectly styled hair, a black sweater under a black zip-up hoodie.

God, he’s gorgeous. Perfect.

Rafael just stares at his husband standing there like a granted wish.

“H-Hey, Rafi...”

“Sonny,” Rafael breathes out.

Sonny glances at his luggage. “Going somewhere?”

“Home,” Rafael instantly answers.

Sonny looks up at him, into his eyes.

Deb clears her throat next to them. Rafael forgot she was there.

“I’m going to have Mike drive me to your house. I’ll stay with the kids...as long as you need.” Deb squeezes Sonny’s arm as she walks away toward the elevator.

Rafael just stares at Sonny.

“Can we talk?” Sonny finally asks.

Rafael nods. He backs to the door, takes a key card out of his pocket, and opens the door.

He follows Sonny into the little room, wondering if this is going to be a goodbye or a welcome back.

Rafael is nervous, but excited, and Sonny looks so good, and Rafael missed him so much, and he’s willing to endure any kind of yelling Sonny is bound to make Rafael sit through.

Whatever happens, Rafael is ready. Whether it’s to beg forgiveness or be welcomed easily back into Sonny’s arms, he’s ready.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for sex, but I’m sure you already suspect that.
> 
> There will be one more chapter after this! Thank you for reading!

Rafael can’t take his eyes off Sonny, like a dream that’ll disappear when Rafael wakes.

Rafael has been so foolish to think he could live without this man. This tall, gangly, Staten Island boy who waltzed knowingly into his life and made himself at home in his heart.

Rafael had no chance from the start. From the moment Dominick “call me Sonny” Carisi flashed his big blue eyes and opened his goddamn mouth, Rafael was hooked. Trapped, except willingly, under a spell of love for the rest of his life.

He had no chance.

Rafael watches Sonny’s skinny figure wander through the bright room. It’s only 8 A.M. How did everybody know to visit him so early?

Doesn’t matter, except one. The beautiful one right in front of him.

“How’ve you been?” Sonny asks, ending the silence first.

Rafael shrugs. Admit he’s been an ass and say he was miserable, or lie and hurt Sonny further by saying he was fine.

“Me too,” Sonny says.

Sonny finally stops wandering, but he doesn’t make eye contact with Rafael.

“Can I get you something?” Rafael asks, unsure of what to offer. This hotel has a shitty mini-bar.

Sonny shakes his head.

“Want to sit?” Rafael asks, motioning to the bed. Sure, there’s a chair, but the bed is closer and they’d be sharing it. He wants to be closer to Sonny, more comfortable.

Sonny slowly steps over and sits on the bed. Rafael follows.

Rafael takes a deep breath, to relax.

Sonny looks stiff as a board.

Rafael starts there.

“Sonny, relax, please. It’s me.”

Sonny’s eyebrows knit together. “You hurt me. You...left me.”

“I...I know, Sonny. And I’ll probably never be able to tell you how sorry I am. How stupid I know I was. I...” Rafael rubs his eyes. “You shouldn’t let me come back. You should be mad at me forever.”

“Oh no, you’re coming back.”

Rafael looks up at Sonny. “What?”

“I didn’t come here to tell you to stay here. I came to talk about you coming home. Ask you...what’s going on with you, Rafi? Is it me?”

“No, baby, it was me. I just...I didn’t feel like I fit with you and the kids anymore. I went home, and Javy wasn’t excited to see me. I was selfish in thinking he should have been, I guess.”

“The truth, Rafi? Of course they miss you like crazy when you’re working, but it’s like...it’s not a big deal because they know you’re coming home. No, they don’t cry for you every single night, but they’re more like, ‘It’s fine, Dad will be home soon.’ That doesn’t mean they ever want to be without you.”

“I know, I just—“

“And with technology and stuff, babe? Sure, they don’t call you every single night, but they know it’s an option. They know you’re a phone call away. That’s practically down the hall to them.”

Rafael nods. It makes him feel immensely better.

“But they do miss you,” Sonny says. “And I miss you. What else is going on? Work?”

“Yeah, actually. Georgie’s been breathing down my neck over this cop trial.”

“Hey, she can’t be mad at you forever. You just gotta flash a picture of those adorable kids of ours and she melts.”

Rafael chuckles. “That’s true. They are some cute kids.”

Sonny nods.

They’re silent again. Rafael watches Sonny play with his own fingers.

Finally, Sonny stops. He looks up at Rafael and they lock eyes.

“Is there anything else?” Sonny asks. “The commute? Rafi, I’ll sell the damn house if—“

“I love the house. I’ll make the commute work this time, I’m not worried. Even if it means working twice as hard during the day to leave on time to tuck the kids in. I will make it work.”

Sonny nods. “And my...the ‘Stepford Wives’?”

Rafael chuckles. “As long as nobody’s kissing you anymore.”

“I haven’t even talked to Monica. She just avoids me as much as I avoid her.”

“You didn’t let her down gently?”

Sonny shrugs. “What can I say? I’m irresistible, she’ll be heartbroken anyway.”

Rafael knows he’s joking. “You are irresistible.”

Sonny cracks a smile. “You still think I’m irresistible, Rafi?”

“Baby, I will always think you’re irresistible.”

Sonny’s smile widens. He looks visibly more relaxed. “Is there anything else we need to discuss?”

Rafael shakes his head.

Sonny leans towards Rafael. Rafael’s heart almost stops.

“How long until you gotta check out of here?” Sonny asks.

“Check out is at eleven.”

Sonny bites his lip and looks down at the bed.

“What are you thinking?” Rafael asks.

“Few things. Mostly, I’m wondering how many times you can get it up in the next two hours.”

Rafael laughs. “I can guarantee once, but I’ll make it worth your while.”

Sonny leans in closer to him. Rafael can smell him, his clean scent of familiar soap, deodorant, and laundry detergent. He smells just like home, because wherever Sonny is, it’s home.

Rafael must look desperate for Sonny’s lips, because Sonny, only inches away from Rafael, says, “Wanna kiss me, Rafi?”

“I will lay back and do whatever you want me to do, just say the word.”

Sonny grins. “Oh, this could be fun.”

Sonny finally gets close enough for Rafael to close the gap between them. Sonny is still smiling, and Rafael doesn’t want to stifle that smile but he needs Sonny’s mouth on him.

Rafael places a hand on Sonny’s neck.

“I love you,” Rafael whispers.

Sonny’s smile gets impossibly bigger. “I love you too, Rafi.”

Rafael can stand it no longer; he finally captures Sonny’s lips in his own.

It’s a slow minute of just feeling, his heart bursting and being built back together, before Rafael tries any thing more. He slips his tongue into Sonny’s mouth while trailing his hand down Sonny’s neck to unzip his hoodie.

Sonny slips his jacket off, then works to get Rafael’s off. He puts his hands on Rafael’s face and holds him still; he runs his hands through Rafael’s hair. Rafael missed that; Sonny has always loved his hair, there’s never an intimate moment that his hair doesn’t end up amok, and it’s comforting that Sonny won’t ever lose that obsession.

But Rafael wants more, he wants Sonny’s hands all over him. He wants his hands all over Sonny. He needs skin, needs to touch, so he lifts the bottom of Sonny’s sweater and grips his bare hip.

Sonny doesn’t detach his lips from Rafael, but he steadily climbs onto Rafael’s lap.

Rafael needs to be caged by Sonny, caught like prey and grounded to the earth. He needs Sonny on him, all over him, around him. He needs to feel like Sonny, smell like Sonny.

Rafael pulls Sonny hard against him with his hands on Sonny’s ass. He squeezes and makes Sonny grind against him.

Sonny finally breaks the kiss first to moan in Rafael’s mouth.

“Jesus, fuck me, Rafi,” Sonny mutters.

“Yes, please,” Rafael replies.

Sonny, his hands on Rafael’s shoulders, pushes Rafael down onto the bed. He keeps grinding down against Rafael, where Rafael is pulsing in his jeans, as Sonny sits up again and pulls his sweater over his head.

Rafael trails his hands down Sonny’s chest, his belly, his hips, until he gets to Sonny’s belt. He begins to undo it as Sonny works on the buttons of his shirt.

When Sonny pushes the front of Rafael’s shirt apart, his hands rest on Rafael’s belly. “You haven’t been eating well,” he observes.

“What? A few pounds is fine.”

Sonny shakes his head, then lays completely over Rafael, chest to chest. Any other retort from Rafael dies as Sonny takes his lips again.

Sonny’s hips never stop moving, and Rafael loves it. With every downward thrust from Sonny, Rafael meets him. Rafael’s hands roam all over Sonny, his nails scratch gently down his back, down until his fingers wiggle under Sonny’s waistband.

Sonny’s hand holds Rafael’s face, plays with his hair.

“God, seriously, I need you to fuck me,” Sonny whispers.

Rafael smirks as he squeezes Sonny’s ass. “Missed me?”

“You have no idea.”

Rafael pulls his hands out of Sonny’s pants, wraps his arms around Sonny instead, then flips them over so Sonny’s flat on the bed.

Then, Rafael stands. He shoves his own jeans down his thighs quickly, then just as quickly gets Sonny’s off. He tosses both away, off the bed, out of his way, then climbs on the bed between Sonny’s spread thighs.

“Fuck yes,” Sonny sighs, once they’re completely skin to skin.

Rafael attacks his lips, his jaw, his neck; he sucks kisses down Sonny’s lithe body until he’s face to face with Sonny’s leaking cock.

Rafael licks him gently, lovingly, and Sonny gasps through parted lips as he grasps Rafael’s hair.

“Oh my god, Rafi,” Sonny cries as Rafael wraps his lips around the head of Sonny’s cock. “Not too much, baby...fingers...”

Rafael is about to pull off, find his overnight bag and hopefully find lube, but Sonny’s fingers dig tight into his hair and he thrusts up into Rafael’s throat.

Sonny instantly lets him go, muttering apologies. “I’m sorry, Rafi, I didn’t mean to—“

Rafael takes a deep breath and bites his hip. “Baby, don’t apologize, I want to make you feel good.”

“You are, you have no idea. Fuck me now.”

Rafael might come next time Sonny demands that, in those words, so he climbs off the bed again and dives for his suitcase.

“What are you doing?” Sonny asks.

Rafael glances at him. He’s now got his knees up and he’s stroking his cock.

“Jesus christ, you’re like a wet dream,” Rafael says, caught in a trance watching Sonny.

Sonny grins. “Hurry up.”

Rafael rummages in his luggage again, and miraculously there’s half a bottle of lube stashed in one of the front pockets. He has no idea how long it’s been there, when they used it, but it’s still liquid-y, so Rafael takes it back to the bed.

“Fuck yes,” Sonny whispers, welcoming Rafael back.

Rafael takes the time to kiss Sonny, touch him wherever he can, while preparing him. He uses his fingers gently, but sturdily, and Sonny writhes under him like it’s the greatest he’s ever felt. Rafael agrees, because it’s been way too long and he feels pretty fucking good, too.

Finally, Sonny cries out as if in pain.

“What?” Rafael asks, “What did I—“

Sonny reaches between them and grabs Rafael’s cock. “I need you, okay, I’m ready, just...get in me...”

Rafael doesn’t need to be told twice, even though Sonny’s hand feels amazing for itself. Rafael grabs the lube, slicks up, then lines up against Sonny.

“Ready?” Rafael asks.

Sonny bites his lip and nods.

“You sure?” Rafael asks, partly messing with Sonny.

Sonny squeezes his arms. “Rafael Barba-Carisi, I swear to god—“

Rafael smirks and does as told.

Making Sonny feel good has always been among Rafael’s favorite things. From the first time, years and years ago, in Rafael’s last lonely apartment, after many dates and falling completely in love quickly, to now, years on them, their relationship, the changes they’ve endured and the obstacles. Nothing has changed their love, their love making, their slow fucking late at night or early before the kids wake. Nothing has changed wanting to touch, to kiss, wanting to make each other feel good. Nothing has changed the need for closeness, fulfillment, being one, being together, being in love.

“Oh...Rafi, I love you,” Sonny sighs, his hips meeting Rafael’s with each thrust.

“I love you so much,” Rafael says back, kissing Sonny’s lips sweetly. He’s lost in the feeling of Sonny around him, his scent, the sounds he’s making. Rafael is never tired of any of it.

Sonny finishes first, which is always what Rafael wants, but he follows quickly behind and groans brokenly against Sonny’s lips. Sonny squeezes him tight, grounds him to earth, and kisses his head over and over.

They rearrange on the bed so they’re laying on the scratchy pillows, Sonny’s back to Rafael’s chest as Rafael kisses his shoulder and tickles his sides.

“How do you feel?” Sonny asks.

“Me?” Rafael replies. “Deliriously happy. How about you?”

Sonny stretches against him. “Loved.”

“You are, always. Don’t doubt that. I’m sorry that I made you—“

“I knew you were being stupid by leaving. I didn’t think you completely lost your mind by not loving me.”

Rafael chuckles. “Really?”

Sonny snuggles into his arms. “No,” he says. “I actually didn’t think you...”

Rafael nuzzles his shoulder. “What?”

“I didn’t think you loved me anymore.”

Rafael squeezes him. “God, Sonny, I am so sorry.”

Sonny lifts his hand and kisses his palm. “It’s over. You’re back to me now.”

“And I’ll never leave again.”

Sonny nods. He kisses Rafael’s hand again.

Rafael looks over Sonny’s shoulder to check the time and sees they have a little while before they need to leave the hotel. A little while before they’ll get back to the babies and have absolutely no time alone again. Not that Rafael ever wants to be separated from the kids again. One will be sleeping in their bed for the rest of their lives. He’ll go to college with one twin and Sonny can go with the other, then they’ll switch every semester.

Back to his home, the kids, Anne, Deb—

“Cariño?” Rafael asks suddenly, thinking about that.

“Hmm?”

“Not that I don’t love your mother, but is she going to stay with us forever?”

Sonny chuckles. “Welcome to your punishment, my love.”

Rafael groans. He rests his forehead against Sonny’s shoulder.

“It’ll be fun!” Sonny tries.

“How would you like it if my mom—“ Rafael pauses. “Oh, who am I kidding? My mom likes you way more than she likes me.”

Sonny laughs. “I gave her grandchildren.”

“What?! No, you did not!”

“I gave her the opportunity to get grandchildren!”

Rafael rolls his eyes. “I could’ve had kids—“

Sonny snorts. “How many dates were you going on when you practically begged me to date you?”

“I begged you?! You asked me!”

“Because you were desperate for me all along.”

“I’m not having this argument again. I was not the one—“

Sonny suddenly turns in his arms. He’s smiling ear to ear, smiling in his eyes and his cheeks.

“Estás lleno de mierda,” Rafael tells him.

“I learned from you,” Sonny jokes.

Rafael rolls his eyes. “Guess the afterglow is over. Can we get home to my babies yet?”

Sonny snuggles into the bed. “I’m with them all the time, is it too much to ask for a little bit more quiet?”

Rafael turns to sit up in the bed. He swings his legs over the edge, but looks down at Sonny.

“Okay, your highness, you stay here, I’m going to see my babies.”

Sonny waves a hand.

Rafael traces a finger up Sonny’s arm. “I’m going to shower. You could...join me.” He glances down at his lap, hoping maybe a slippery, wet, hot Sonny will get him going again.

Sonny lifts an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“Worth a try,” Rafael says.

Sonny slowly gets out of bed. “Lead the way then, big man.”

Rafael takes his hand and drags him out of bed. They kiss and laugh the entire time, and Rafael suspects he won’t ever stop feeling joy with Sonny.

Not for as long as he lives.

 


	12. Chapter 12

Rafael remembers everything.

Both a blessing and a curse, Rafael is able to remember appointments and cross examinations to a tee. Unfortunately, he can’t forget terrible court dates and meetings.

But Rafael can remember he first time he cooked with his Abuela. He can remember learning English with his Mami. He can remember trying sports with Alex, then throwing his baseball glove at his Tio, and everyone laughing because of his cute little scrunched up angry face. Rafael’s seen photos of himself then, and he looks just like Camilla.

He can remember the first time he met Sonny, how they didn’t even speak personally for about a week into Sonny’s arrival, but he already knew that the detective was going to have an incredible effect on his life, that meeting the detective would literally change his life forever.

He can remember Sonny asking him out, finally, because it seemed as though they were in love long before they were. He can remember Sonny asking Rafael to marry him, on a romantic night alone in their apartment.

He can remember Sonny asking if they could have a baby, all nervous, big eyes and a puppy-dog look. As if Rafael could say no, because he was thinking about it, too. He wanted it, terribly, wanted to share everything under the sun with Sonny. Of course, it was only natural they wanted a child.

He can remember questioning who would biologically father the baby, and being unsurprised when both babies came out blonde with blue eyes that never changed. He can remember being unsurprised when Deb exclaimed, “Oh my god, they look just like Sonny!” the first time she ever saw them.

He can remember holding them in their apartment for the first time. One in each arm, because they were so tiny they they fit perfectly together. They just gripped each other, longing for that comfort from his brother, and they were so easy to hold together. Rafael loved when they were small enough for both to sleep on his chest, and Sonny has a thousand pictures of those times.

“My man and my babies,” Sonny would say over and over, with love, and Rafael’s heart would burst.

He can remember the twins growing, more and more each day, being surprised by just how quickly children grow and learn. He remembers them calling him ‘dada’ for the first time, almost crying because of it. He remembers the first time the twins got sick, how deathly afraid he was that it was worse than a cold; he can remember their first solid foods eaten, he can remember their first steps.

  
He remembers thinking that he couldn’t ever be more in love in his entire life.

Until they were three and they met their baby sister. They brought Camilla home when the twins were with Lucia, then they introduced the siblings with excitement. The little boys gave Camilla kisses over and over, asked to hold her, wanted to show her their toys, and Rafael knew they’d made a good decision. Rafael knew their family was perfect and they would be forever.

He can remember feeling true fear for the first time when Christian was born. There were complications, he was upside down, they had to put a poor woman through getting cut open for their sake.

He can remember Sonny praying. He can remember Sonny whispering to his Rosary in the corner of the waiting room. He can remember pulling the twins away from Sonny because they kept trying to distract him, but knowing how important it was for Sonny’s sanity to continue praying.

He can remember bouncing Camilla on his knee, making her laugh, then settling into a panic every few minutes when there was no news about their baby, and Manny or Javy taking turns giving him kisses, Eskimo kisses on his nose, or holding his face as they locked eyes with him and just stared, as if they could literally see inside his soul, his hopes and fears. Then they’d just say, “Love you, Papi.” And he’d say, “Love you, Papito.” or “Love you, cariño.”

He can remember meeting Christian for the first time, thanking God over and over and kissing Sonny because his prayers worked. He remembers his life feeling more than complete with that little baby in his arms. He remembers bringing Christian home, all three older kids eagerly awaiting his reveal while sitting perfectly still on their knees on his and Sonny’s bed. He remembers the older kids welcoming him just like they’d welcomed Camilla, with kisses and hugs and lots of love.

Rafael can remember everything, everything important, everything terrible, and everything with love.

* * *

 

The car pulls through familiar trees and bushes, along a small asphalt road that Rafael is sure was not paved the last time he was home. He briefly wonders what other differences Sonny has made, surely trying to keep himself and the kids busy in Rafael’s absence. No matter, Rafael will be happy no matter what state the house is in.

He anticipates a noisy house, because it’s just after one o’clock and the kids had a half day of school. They’re probably causing a ruckus, driving their Grandma and Anne crazy with games and toys.

Rafael can’t wait.

“The kids have been asking for a puppy,” Sonny announces.

“Hmm?” Rafael asks, lost in his own thoughts, staring out the window to the swirl of green beyond. Spring has treated their neighborhood well, unlike Manhattan where you have to know where to look for flowers.

“The kids,” Sonny repeats, “Have been asking for a puppy.”

“I’ll get them one,” Rafael replies. “Each. I owe them—“

Sonny squeezes Rafael’s hand, the one on the seat between them that Sonny has yet to let go of since they got dressed in the hotel room.

“Raf,” Sonny says. Rafael knows Sonny is looking at him.

Rafael doesn’t look back. Guilt has seeped into Rafael now; this morning, where he had felt ridiculously happy and euphoric, now he feels terrible for what he’s done, what he had put his family through.

How could he?

Sonny shouldn’t let him come home.

The kids shouldn’t welcome him back.

He left them.

“Rafael, look at me.”

Rafael tears his eyes away from the trees and looks at Sonny.

Sonny, still soft around the edges and wrung out, looking at the man who left him with nothing but love and adoration.

“I want you to stop beating yourself up for this right now,” Sonny says. “You know you made a mistake. Hell, maybe I...I shouldn’t have let you...Jesus, Raf, I’m just as much to blame. For driving you away, for—“

“Hang on,” Rafael stops him, turning to Sonny completely. “Don’t do that, please. You did not drive me away. You’ve never...Sonny, you’ve never been anything less than perfect for me. I did make a mistake. And I’ll probably beat myself up for it every day. I shouldn’t have...” Rafael’s stomach turns with the thought. “I can’t believe I—“

“I can’t believe I got you back so easily.”

Rafael looks at Sonny again. “How could you not?”

Sonny shrugs. “I thought I’d have to cry, beg. I wondered if I’d get there to divorce papers being drawn up. But I just thought...I had to try. I had to convince you, or not give you a choice and just drag you out of that place even if you were kicking and screaming.”

Rafael chuckles. “You could have knocked on the hotel room door and said, ‘Come on, dumbass, we’re going home.’ and I would’ve followed.”

Sonny grins. “I thought about it, but what a waste of a quiet hotel room.”

“Yeah, we are definitely doing that again sometime. How about it? Monthly honeymoon’s?”

“You know what we need?” Sonny wonders.

“Hmm?”

“A vacation. A real vacation.”

“Well, we could take one, but someone spent thousands of dollars painting cabinets, or whatever you did.”

“Babe.”

Rafael lifts an eyebrow, daring Sonny to argue with him.

“Vacation to the Bronx for Easter it is, I guess.”

Rafael breaks into a chuckle. He manages to pull his eyes away from Sonny enough to glance out the window, still swarming with fast moving trees.

“Honey? Did you actually move the house while I was gone?”

Sonny laughs. “We’re almost there.”

Rafael’s stomach turns again, but this time because excited butterflies wake inside. His heart flutters, his blood ticks, and Rafael is so excited to see his babies that he can hardly control his hand still wound tight with Sonny’s.

Rafael can’t wait to give the kids baths tonight, or to make them breakfast tomorrow, or to drive them to school; actually, more accurately, to beg Sonny to let them stay home.

Finally, after a journey that seemed to last a thousand years, the large house comes into view.

It’s more beautiful than Rafael remembers, but probably because he missed it so much; it’s beautiful white with gray-blue shutters and trim, bushes and flowers blooming in front, bikes parked in front of the garage and Camilla’s basketball hoop right above. There’s decorations hanging from the upstairs windows, that are connected to the loft area playroom, so Rafael wonders what that’s all about.

“Jesus, Rafi,” Sonny mutters as the car pulls to a stop. “Take a deep breath. You’re vibrating out of your sweater.”

Rafael laughs. “I’m nervous. Why am I nervous?”

Sonny looks him in the eye. “You’re excited. Now, come on, before Manny runs out here barefoot and I need to dig a rock out of his foot, again.”

Rafael pauses while climbing out of the car. “Wait, what?”

Sonny just chuckles, but doesn’t elaborate, but Rafael is sure it is nothing serious. Well, he hopes.

Rafael grabs his suitcase out of the car while Sonny gets his suit bags, then they walk up the short steps as the car drives away.

“Welcome home, Rafi,” Sonny whispers, then unlocks the door with Rafael’s set of keys and steps inside.

It shouldn’t be a big deal, going home. But Rafael thinks stepping foot inside this house may be a grand occasion forever. Everything he could have lost, ruined, instead safely tucked inside these warm walls.

The house isn’t as loud as Rafael expected, but there’s music and laughter radiating from the upstairs, so Rafael assumes Deb and Anne got them all contained to one area, which is smart. Otherwise, those terrors would destroy the entire house and not just their playroom.

Deb pokes her head out of the kitchen as soon as the front door is shut.

“Oh, you listened to me!”

Sonny rolls his eyes. “Ma, we worked it out on our own.”

“Thanks to me,” Deb says, kissing them both on the cheek in greeting.

Sonny just rolls his eyes and ignores her. He shouts upstairs, “Hey, guys! Come down here!”

Deb grasps Rafael’s arm. “Rafi, calm down, you look ready to jump out of your skin.”

Rafael lets out a ragged breath.

“He’s nervous,” Sonny explains.

Deb laughs at him. “You’re dramatic.”

Rafael can’t find any words for the first time in his life. He is just so excited to see his babies.

Finally, banging footsteps come down the stairs, and three giant sets of eyes immediately lock onto Rafael.

“Daddy!” they each exclaim, jumping the rest of the way off the stairs and running at Rafael.

This was the welcome Rafael wanted, but even if they’d casually greet him, he’d be happy.

Zipping right passed Sonny, the three older kids jump into Rafael’s arms. He catches Camilla, because she’s smallest and easiest to pick up, but the twins latch onto him like an octopus.

“Daddy, can you get us a puppy?” is the first thing Camilla asks.

“Yes,” Rafael automatically says, kissing Camilla’s cheek over and over.

Sonny snorts next to him, now holding Christian, who Rafael is sure Sonny rescued from toddling down the stairs. Then, Sonny mutters, “Oh my god, Rafi, have a spine.”

“Let the man speak, Dad!” Camilla insists.

Rafael bursts into laughter. He gives Camilla one more kiss, then puts her down to properly greet the twins.

Javy pulls on his hand as Manny tries to climb into his arms.

“Dad,” Javy says, “You have to see the robot I built.”

“Camilla taught me how to shoot a free throw,” Manny tells him.

“My friend’s mom builds robots and—“

“And Dad is teaching me how to throw a curveball—“

“She said she’d help me make my robot move—“

“Grammy helped us bake a cake yesterday—“

“It was strawberry—“

Rafael watches the back and forth like a tennis match. He missed this greatly; the twins have always held conversations like this, and he and Sonny have grown more than accustomed to it.

Rafael looks at Manny, who he’s holding. “You are so tall, you know that?”

“I know, Dad measured us yesterday—“

“I’m taller!” Javy exclaims, yanking on Rafael’s arm again.

Rafael smiles as he gives Manny a kiss, then lets him down. Then, he lifts Javy to kiss him just once.

“Ugh, gross!” Javy cries, running away, muttering something about his robot.

Finally, it’s time to say hello to Christian, who Rafael was worried about seeing. Christian hardly liked him before he left, what would he think of Rafael now?

“What do you say?” Sonny whispers to Christian.

“Hello!” Christian practically yells.

Rafael laughs.

“What else do we say?” Sonny asks.

“Hola!” Christian yells.

Rafael laughs again. “Perfecto!”

Sonny points to Rafael’s chest. “Who’s this?”

“Pap-eeeee,” Christian says, the sound at the end going on like a song.

“Maravilloso!” Rafael tells him, and Christian smiles widely. Then, he lunges at Rafael and Rafael can barely catch him, but he hangs on, until Christian is tight in his arms.

“I missed you all so much,” Rafael says, mostly to Sonny.

“We missed you too,” Sonny says. “Of course, you know how much I missed you.”

Rafael grins. “I recall.”

“Maybe enough for a repeat performance this evening.”

“Baby, I don’t know if you realize, but I do not plan on sleeping without one or all of these children until they each go off to college.”

Sonny laughs. “I was afraid of that.” Still, he kisses Rafael over Christian’s shoulder.

Rafael squeezes the baby in his arms, carrying him all the way to the kitchen. There are dishes in the sink, plates of snacks on the island, and a half eaten strawberry cake on a platter. The room smells like dish soap and a pot roast Rafael is sure Deb has cooking in the oven. Rafael can hear the three older kids playing in the living room a room away, Christian chattering in his ear, and Sonny talking to Deb about dinner.

It feels like home.

It feels good to be home.

Rafael takes a deep breath; breathes it all in.

There’s sudden bickering from the living room. Something about the television remote, or a movie, or their snacks, or the Nintendo—

It’s music to Rafael’s ears.

Sonny sighs, annoyed. “Rafi, can you deal with that, please?”

Rafael gladly walks through the kitchen to the living room.

“And Rafi?” Sonny says sweetly, calling him back.

Rafael turns to him, smiling. “Si, mi amor?”

He hopes Sonny is going to say something sweet, or cute, but instead, Sonny sternly says, “Do not let them convince you to get them a puppy.”

Rafael laughs. “Whatever you say.”

“Rafi!” Sonny warns as Rafael ignores him and goes to the living room.

Rafael enters a room of whining and arguing, each kid running to him to tell him what’s going on. The warm welcome is over, but Rafael would have normalcy no other way. Even over the arguing, he is so in love, and so glad to be home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This concludes the story! 
> 
> Thank you for coming on this journey with me. Being encouraging, even if you didn’t mean to be, for reading and allowing me to continue. Thank you for coming back after my long absences. 
> 
> It’s always bittersweet to finish a story.
> 
> This story had been on my mind for a long time, and I’m glad I finally wrote it. I hope you all are, too.
> 
> Thanks.
> 
> PS: Sonny’s first day leaving Rafael with the kids to run errands...yeah, Rafael definitely gets them a puppy.


End file.
